For THE LOVE OF DOCTOR BATMAN!

September 26, 2009

Okay, apparently wordpress does not like CUT & PASTE!

(i know, all caps, it is absurd, but there exists now no emoticon for what I here feel)

Quite a minor quibble, but whenever I paste something in, like Daftwager, or a regular post written offline, wordpress gets ansty, either publishing the post as blank, no matter how many times it is republished & edited, or it works after the tenth time, with the format very off, and text from the bottom strangely inserted on the top of the text.

Is this just a minor bug? Or is wordpress, a slow ascendant intelligence , flailing out, blind & child-like against its surroundings? Will its cold, neon claws drain us, mining for data? Will it ally itself with bebo, facebook, twitter and, to a lesser extent, myspace? Will all its attendant terminals, now numbering greater than the billion-strong receptors in the human brain, roar like a newborn in the rain, covered in blood?

Most importantly; will this make it a more reliable blogging outlet?

 

In other schema: Abiding sequels;

->Mini Melancholy of Haruhi Suzimiya-chan episodes on youtube.

In the (extended) interim between Season 1 & proposed Season 2 of The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzimiya, no small amount to teasing, rumours & even website countdowns has occurred, I hear. Now it seems –

– okay wait –

– yes this blog was about the mini episodes, they are hilarious, particularly the lemon balloon animal & tiny asakura’s adventures. Except, breaking news here on the internet, while looking for the exact number of false previews on wiki, I have happened upon info that they relaunched in May, just after broadband & I parted ways …

… seriously, live on the blogosphere here, people …

… and I’m downloading what is on youtube. Let us talk about that next week .

->And_Another_Thing…_(novel):

Okay, this is the Douglas Adam’s Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy, the Final Novel, as written by Eoin Colfer.

Yes, odd.

Artemis Fowl series was ingenious, but is it comparable to Wodehousian wit, the Dickensian script, Austen ostentacion Adams so often displayed? In places, to degree of skill, but is the style matched?

Adam’s charm was, in no small part, the utterly frenetic nature of his pieces. Scripted week-to-week on the original radio shows, the later-books had more overarching plot, yet in at least one case, ended where they did because that was the page Adams was working on. It was off-the-cuff, witty & brilliant.

So much of the Artemis Fowl fiction seems so measured, well-thought out & the universe that so carefully reasoned & retconned, one wonders what the product of this publication will be.

What the heck – the film was cool in places, I thought. Why not this?

Still: best non-Adams Hitchiker work; The Neil Gaiman ‘don’t panic’ guide. Haven’t heard the revamped end to the radio series though.

Finally:

-> Dr Who – The Waters of Mars;

This, in November, succinctly sequeled in December by a two-parter ending Tennant’s run, which on the one hand isn’t the master ‘knocking four times’, yet at the same time John Simm features in the trailer. Weird. Dream sequence no doubt. Curse you, Davies!

2010 sequels:

-> World’s End

Finale to the ‘Blood, guts & ice-cream trilogy’, End of the Earth is film to follow Shaun of the Dead & Hot Fuzz in the Simon Pegg, Edgar Wright & Nick Frost series of films. Given the patent genre-busting power of their previous pieces, this looks good.

5 Sequels I want to see:

1 – Whatever comes next in the Nolan Batman series

2 – A sequel to Robin Jarvis’ ‘DeathScent’

3 – Pushing Daisies, in any format

4 – Dr Horrible: film, musical, broadway show, whatever. The comics are awesome.

5 – Whatever comes next in the Downey-Favreau Iron Man series.

Hopefully the wordpress sentience won’t supress  this; I am pro-robot, after all.

(am watching the new series of TMoHS right now … oh, dear heavens yes … extremely brave time-loop format … more next week!)

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Daftwager Twitter Fiction: Day 50 – The Roar of Excelsoar!

September 26, 2009

Day 50:Late 60’s ultra death ray! Saddle-operated, with Satan-gearing! If this were a lady, I wouldn’t marry it: Necessitus would. And I’d jeopardize our friendship by ‘indiscreeting’ his hot wife. 23:20; Impounded in a Vigil Alliance Vault, inserted into a retro-fitted black-ops van, specially braced for force, supplied with Bose-Einstein condensate canisters, & below-0 liquid nitrogen tanks, all, for this.

23:25; Not for me, for superhuman capture; that is Vigil. Super-cops like Jeans d’Armes are policed by the Lunar Luminaries, watchers like the Lunar Luminaries are watched by Vigil Alliance & its … friends.

23:30; And, sitting astride the modified Laseradicator, 1 of the 3 heads of the Western Europe Vigil Alliance, (along with Black Forest & Paradigm), none other than the very wonderfully Deadly Light Shade!

23:35; The Deadly Light Shade notes me, notes the time; the singularity ceases. Excelsoar, 1 hour abroad, 1 year(?) experienced, is reeled via a tractor beam, into a liquid nitrogen tank, underneath gun barrel.

23:40; Today a magical witch, a chemical titan & a sorcery/science dryad tried to save me. A very disciplined baseline human succeeded. It fundamentally terrifies me that I stole designs for this woman’s hat.

23:45; Look blankly at TDLS: she looks at me. Then: tell her that P is trapped underneath that collapsed construction. Intellectually she knows P has weathered worse. Emotionally she is momentarily terrified.

23:50; Equilibrium re-established, I’m already unbolting struts to swivel the gun around towards the building, when she decides to use the tractor beam. Rubble is being lifted out in seconds, cleared in minutes.

23:55; Fair is fair, P was almost out. Even had the temerity to chide for taking so long. I would strike her with an empty glove, but she saved me. & I lost my glove. & her girlfriend broke my arm, by accident.

00:00; TDLS (was probably chasing a lead on Necessitus abroad) worried I can see & wishes to make these feelings a little more clear. To oblige her privacy I throw up on her shoes, then faint into a puddle.

 

 

07:00; … I’m strapped down, to a bed … naked but for a loincloth … Open holds candle wax an inch over my chest … tells me to recant … No! … Pluto should never have been a planet! …she pours the wax!

07:05; She manages to keep it out of the majority of my chest hair. Picking out the rest, we switch places and I become a nouveaux Inquisitor, to her modern day Galileo. I have missed this, the past few days.

07:10; Arrived at LPR in the early hours of the morning; covered in sewer-muck, Open stripped me herself, then scrubbed me down, thoroughly, then we were arguing about planetary classes. Usual foreplay.

07:15; Familiar with the sewer system (from my tracking of Saniac’s sepulchre & my party days with Mon Sieur) I emerged into the basements of the Paris Library. ‘Library Ann’ let me out at 3 in the morning.

07:20; I am to install the half Marquis de Made, half Saniac mind into a relatively-human body, out of the goodness of my heart & because if the symbiote child isn’t born in 6 months, all my illegalities are told.

07:25; Ah. Deep beneath Paris a purely-computer calculates atomic weights & probabilities … and, if it doesn’t get a message from its brother within a half a year, it will broadcast video & audio of my crimes.

07:30; Not overly worried; the renovated Whitby lab should be up to it. I’ve seen the opposite of this operation – a bio-computer brain, made for an existing body – done, by a friend of mine, on his ‘girlfriend’.

07:35; I dress carefully, in summer-weight Boleskine tweed I’m considering for the Nabilac venture. Ms Deal’s work is magnificent & purloined, as usual. I shall get a chance to air it out; I’m due in court soon.

07:40; Not exactly ‘due’ – I have never myself been sequestered in an impregnable prison, nor laughably called to the witness box. Still, I feel entitled to get good seats, for the Projectionist Protector’s hearing.

07:45; Packed to the rafters, but early attendance, & employment of my stout stick assures Open & I far more than a worm of a seat. Open attends; she wishes to see the enemies of her hero ‘fry like piggies’!

07:50; I commiserate with her that they no longer commit corporal & capital punishments in public as they did when we were younger, with the celebratory barbecue, maypole dancing & flags, for the kiddies.

07:55; She is in a minority; the crowd is for the Projectionist Protectors, if the banners, songs & interpretative dance, are anything to go by. The Mexican wave when the PPs enter is also typical of the French.

08:00; The state prosecutor ducks, dodges, dives, deflects & ducks again a lot of scatological stuff hurled at his head. My own barrage of rotten sun-dried comestibles should impact his ability to hear the trial.

08:05; He seems super-agile; possibly the Jeans d’Armes super-speedster, ‘Le TGV’ in a civilian disguise. Superheroes secretly in the civil service; insanity! Also, everyone else was throwing things at the time.

08:10; Why yes, if everyone else jumped off the Eiffel Tower, I would too; if everyone jumped, the pile would be of sufficient mass to let me ski from top to bottom, sifting the bodies, for cash. Also; I can fly!

08:15; A call of ‘Madame President’ goes out & I momentarily think Sarko has tipped tipsy-silly into transvestitism! But that is a judge’s title here! What was I thinking; Sarko could never pull off those heels!!!

08:20; Joan Justine, resplendant in robe & wig, a guise even more ridiculous than her old ‘Diana D’Ark’ outfit. In ten years, she really will be able to row showboat trials like this into the presidency. Heil J.J.!!!

08:25; A city councillorship position soon, district governorship after that … I see the origami of orchestration in her mind rotating like mobiles made from finger bones. She has a bet going with Hillary Clinton.

08:30: Opening arguments – this trial will run to several weeks of time, & thousands in taxpayers €s. ‘Probably TGV’ develops a twitchy look hyper-agiles get, when their odd neurology processes in real time.

08:35; BORE *pings*. I appear to have absorbed something from ‘Probably TGV’. Might be ill-advised to test this out in a court of law – I don’t want any chaos to start … until I am the invisible ringleader …

08:40; As a measure of preparedness, I wire the new BORE into the projector. Also; justice is boring, but injustice done badly is worse. The PP’s lawyer expects to win; he is hoping to set up a counter-suit.

08:45; Murder cases take months to come to trial. But the PP’s jury-swaying popularity won’t last: the lawyer used the prior cases to argue the state had all the prep it needed – delay draws on the taxpayer …

08:50; We’ve moved onto video of Monochrone & Psylent Film’s capture & Open, engrossed at seeing her idol onscreen, stops doing that thing with her hand that was until now taking my mind off this trial …

08:55; … ‘the camera doesn’t catch me until I’m beating the assassin to the ground … totally missed my promptings of murder’ … I do need to acquire a machine-invisible BORE … getting ‘praise’ all the time …

09:00; … I point the BORE projector out the window, into pedestrian traffic. TGV is a speedster; what could he possibly have up his sleeve that could be overly disruptive? Hopefully, lots and lots of things …

09:05; These high gallery windows give an excellent expanse of foot traffic lab rats below. Picking out a jogger, I engage. Nothing happens. Then he blurs in a burst, doppler-effect doppelgangers in his wake.

09:10; Turned off he stops abruptly as if tripped, probably breaking something important in the fall. All the blood seems to indicate so. Then his arm falls beneath a van. The ambulance made wonderful time …

09:15; … strange though; it isn’t as if this is TGV’s speed ‘ability’. BORE can’t take, or impart physical attributes. Besides, he didn’t run as fast as TGV; the subject’s speed only increased somewhat, not super.

09:20; More interesting; the body exhumed from under the van shows no sign of super-friction on shoes or clothes. Massive lacerations from a brief fall, upper body contusions from the van; no friction burns.

09:25; Quit your blather – he was wearing a pro-PP T-shirt. If he is for vengeance from above, then I’ll oblige, from my high seat. More importantly; I think I have gained a tactile telekinesis BORE from TGV.

09:30; Tactile Telekinesis: ‘Secondary power’; bodies emit a ‘field’ that hovers 1-2 inches above their skin. Anything within that “field” is treated by physics’ caprice as if it were a super’s own invulnerable skin.

09:35; It is the single greatest secondary power: it facilitates the survival of all super types (curses!); cleverly applied, such as with Teflon, can become a power in its own right, free from physical & legal laws!

09:40; Thus their costumes are skin tight, just as invulnerable as they are & less prone to wardrobe malfunctions; like extreme friction burn. Their clothes are only torn when their skin is; great for ‘fight pathos’.

09:45; Capes are brief shields for innocents, hostages can be scooped up at super-speed safely, & planes can be caught by the nose very carelessly, rather than shattering to shreds at such ill-tutored touches.

09:50; Speedsters need this ability the most. They need to lessen friction on their clothes & bodies, yet still get traction on surfaces not designed for high-speed travel. On ice Grease Lightning is a mere spark.

09:55; Next: too high a speed for a given vicosity & collisions have no time to resolve quietly: soft objects begin to behave like hard ones; steel grass blades, glass puddles, buckshot raindrops, shrapnel snow.

10:00; This tactile telekinesis also deals with a paradox of propelling speedsters far faster than bipedally possible, yet anchoring them to the Earth instead of allowing them to achieve escape velocity off-planet.

10:05; For those that exceed light speed (& there are a few of those, walk/running contradictions that they are) this aura processes light by some spectrum to see & stops their shockwaves shattering the crust.

10:10; Oh, yes, Special Relativity doesn’t forbid space moving at light speed, only matter. This field bends space, it seems. Believe me, I wish Relativity forbade postlight: with ropes, chains & big damn sticks.

10:15; Invulnerability to accleration/deceleration g-forces – without immolating like fireworks … allowing runners to ram scoop air into their lungs – without the effect of flying a windshield-less supersonic jet …

10:20; … A very wide range of powers indeed, all to so an ability looks easy. Definitely mental; speedsters all have odd neurologies; reacting at super-speeds, but staying sane in the work-a-day’s ‘slow’ pace.

10:25; This inability to be bored allows them to type millions of combinations or run across continents without becoming tired … or eyes drooping … mind wandering- Hey! Wake up! Must I kill for attention!?

10:30; Obviously I used too many big words.*Sigh* As ‘The Fix’ explains it: ”Lois Lane is falling, accelerating at an initial rate of 32 feet per second per second … Superman swoops down to save her by …”

10:35; ”… reaching out 2 arms of steel … Miss Lane who is now traveling at approximately 120 miles an hour hits them & is immediately sliced into 3 equal pieces … Frankly if he really loved her he would …”

10:40; … ”let her hit the pavement; it’d be a more merciful death!” Yes? Personally, if I knew what ‘Lois Lane’, ‘Superman’ & ‘love’ were, I might actually have an opinion beyond: ‘logic at last! Dashed fiction’!

10:45; Most supes fidget when their powers are discussed like this – a primary reason to do it therefore! If supes overthink their powers, they get obsessed & paranoid: compare it to thinking of one’s organs:

10:50; I am Fitzwilly’s mega-liver … I have built up a tolerance to Gibbering Spider Monkey Poison … I am Fitzwilly’s stomach … I have built up a taste for Gibbering Spider Monkey Poison … Strawberries!

10:55; I work it into my cane – should allow me to fly at high speeds, without collisions and keep me from developing piles … Applications for proximity-triggered friction-shield are quite endless, like this trial!

11:00; Time to end it! Activate invisibility, descend to courtroom floor &, as a doctor, plan to resuscitate a dead man & give the PPs a taste of their own medicine! Invisibility key; still, pity nobody heard that!

11:05; What does The Monochrone fear? Her power & her victims, as does the jury – in that order. Time to use both power & victims to turn those odds to the advantage of truth, justice – haha!, sorry there.

11:10; The probably-TGV prosecutor asks TM if she feels any remorse for her murders. She answers no, my mind-read confirms, but she does feel apprehension; believes in ghosts. Time to make her know.

11:15; Using TM’s own ability, trace image she has of a cabal of spectres falling upon her. Line up Psylent Film’s projection power just as the prosecutor proclaims he intends that dead have their say; my cue!

11:20; Suddenly a circle of 20-foot tall spectres coruscate into the courtroom. Faces of fire, pointing fingers of judgement, voices elliciting shame in all at this sham trial. Guilty! Guilty! Guilty! Turning on jury …

11:25; Quivering in their seats, stench of excrement arisen from their ranks, the jury has their many secret crimes read out to them. Pederasty, imbezzlement, murder, … ”he was your son, you sick, sick fiend!”

11:30; The devils disappear just as I reach my seat. Whole crowd now condemns PPs and jury alike. A few hardcore fans fisticuff each other, Justine attempts to restore order, the audience mobs the floor …

11:35; Total mistrial declared when this is over. But there now isn’t a single juror in Paris who would side with the PPs openly. With a few lies, I have efficiently caused truth to be served up ‘revenge, ice cold’.

11:40; This detailed to Open, I hand her my hat & cane. Developments outside the courtroom have prompted me to visit an … old friend who would rob me blind as himself for such inventions. She kisses me.

11:45; She says ‘thank you’ for jailing her hero’s harrier with wit where justice could not. Intend to say ‘I was doing it for myself’, but she is already gone & I’m still touching my lips. Poison check, o-of course.

11:50; Yes, yes, she can still do that to me. Yes, we explored each other alone & all possible positions together. Its not that I’m unused to ‘thank yous’ from idiots; its from geniuses like her that confuzzles me.

11:55; Hurry now, have to get in before Vespyrs … pulling a Rodrigo Rosenberg Marzano on the French legal system puts one in a praying mood … prey praying to the ultimate genetic predator … interesting.

12:00; The Beast of Our Lady, looking hungry as ever. Earplugs useful in the bell’s roar. He projects into my unshielded mind easily (once lost his vocal chords, & developed telepathy) ‘Why are you here?’ …

12:05; ‘Simple really’, I *oomph* back, ‘I only wish to ask about the ‘breeding program’.’ He laughs, like last time. He admits; he has had 3 children. I counter; he has 3 children in the last 3 Paris occupations.

12:10; Wroth/Man/Lovechild; all relatively recent in genetic terms & Paris has been held more than a penis in prison cell. He has lived much longer than there ever has been a city here. He has birthed nations.

12:15; He asks if this is a crime. Of course not – it isn’t the law and it is my dream. It just adds a piece to an old gene puzzle – time. The puzzle; how do super powers actually work? I mean really, deep down.

12:20; ‘Secondary Powers’. If Someone-Tron is superstrong he is, inevitably, invulnerable, or his muscles would shatter his bones: a pity! Flamers/Freezers are resistant to extremes of heat/cold – or are dead!

12:25; High fliers are very light-bodied, have a lessened need for O2 in high-altitudes & an ability to throw off the chill of the upper atmosphere’s adiabatic lapse rate, and REALLY hard to break their arms …

12:30; Organs shouldn’t survive stretching, force-fields shouldn’t be O2 permeable & those in an intangible phase shift shouldn’t be able to breathe. Until shot with phase-shifting buckshot – THEN they stop …

12:35; In point of fact, one needs at least a half a dozen ancilliary abilities to successfully survive any one such ability. Some would call that ‘fate’. As ‘fate’ might give walking A-bombs high IQs, I call it a ‘con’.

12:40; One can imagine how it might be: a lineage displays successive generations pyromaniacal powers, growing stronger & more articulate with breeding, with occassional short-lived, self-destructive sports.

12:45; It was as such in Chateau Flambeau lordly line. Many such self bred family powers have existed since medieval times, picking up the odd talented peasant for in-breeding &/or summary fiery execution.

12:50; But, even accounting for regular regional droit de seignour, gene pools sport too many terrifically complete genomes of power appearing spontaneously, like a floating scatological brick in a child’s pool.

12:55; *sigh* You are an innocent, aren’t you. Every gene variation available now was present a thousand years ago & shall not be greatly differed by another millennia. These powers aren’t appearing, they …

13:00; … are natural selection discriminating against million-year old mutations! *sigh* you like dogs? Dogs did not evolve from wolves – they were bred! All dog variety genes already existed in elder wolves!

13:05; Ten percent of our DNA – 3400 genes – are variant alleles; alternate gene versions, like blood type, hair colour. It, & ‘junk DNA’ in all of us, contain the full spectrum of biologically-born superpowers.

13:10; Therefore; all these powers existed in potentia for millions of years – yet now, within these modern centuries, and at astronomical odds, each breakthrough has all their ancilliary powers pre-provided …

13:15; … against all laws of biological probability, which I’ve shattered often enough! As every schoolboy knows, provided that their school’s ‘biology’ was not the state-sponsored sex-talk shirk by parents …

13:20; … as it so often is in this pansy post-‘practical-pre-coital-performance’ era. Learning oral sex at my father’s knee, I also learned mutations in DNA take millions of years to be ‘judged’ ‘good’ or ‘bad’ …

13:25; … a speed which today’s legal system could learn a thing or eight from science! But if DNA assessment takes so long, how can full-blown DNA combos come about naturally, so efficiently, ‘recently’ …

13:30; Truth is, they don’t. BOOL has been finding & splicing together unique & obtuse sets of DNA to create well-rounded power bases. For centuries. He looks like has just met a fellow cat breeder in me.

13:35; He tells me of those who could breathe under water, walk through flames or were invulnerable to bullets, and how they were shot, drowned or burned alive, respectively, for their limited invulnerability.

13:40; He tells of those who could breathe in high atmosphere, resist frictions of high speed, weather deep pressures, and how they never were higher than a hill, moved faster than a horse, deeper than a bath.

13:45; He speaks of pyrokinetics who burned themselves alive, seers who saw too much & or they who could move in time but not in space: exploding in the vault of stars, or crushed in the deep of the earth.

13:50; I consider Him carefully, then remind that He once tore a man’s eyes out, ate the balls & made the corpse dance from the optic nerves like a puppet. BOOL is only humanitarian in that He eats humans.

13:55; Splicing powers pre-natally into his children’s genitals or immaculately conceiving offspring with every everyman in this church I have 1 query: Did he bring Excelsoar into the world? He is … inscrutable.

14:00; Departing, feeling exposed & missing the ability to read minds, I ask Him if He believes He is making ‘better’ humans. He considers this. Finally, BOOL comments He is making ‘better tasting’ humans.

14:05; Privately, I add 4 items: There is more than 1 monstermaker in the world. To His genetic, They are no doubt magical, mechanical, radioactive &, already, I really don’t like them & I want to meet them.

14:10; This Parisian parasite is not only a connosieur, He also owns the vineyard. Diversifying flavours, mixing, creating new scents. My kind? Scientists … make bottles, and break bottles. Quite a ‘quandary’.

14:15; He could read my mind. A necessary evil, as well I know. Will He ‘tell’ on me? Doubtful – He wasn’t consulted on Mister Scripts. The supercops hate Him for His fiendish nature & His taste for virgins.

14:20; The Vigils hate Him because of the virgins. The Jeans d’Armes hate Him because BOOL makes them feel- impotent. He gives power in moments of passion & He takes them in moments of disinterest.

14:25; Excelsoar? E lacks tactile telekinesis. Grasped an airplane by the wing, trying to save its passengers. Tore it in half. If BOOL bred E, why lack such a standard superpower? Risked ruining the vintage?

14:30; E would hate BOOL, if he could be made to understand what He does. E would have to reach at least a biology doctorate, specialising in proviruses & mitochrondria to understand, so He is very safe.

14:35; I’ve seen E’s mind. He hates ”normals”, yes, but he hates the other supers more. Discard isolationist angst: If he was the only one of his kind, he would be as a god. Here, E is a great big, blue condom.

14:40; In point of fact – Damn! Damn, damn damn! This suit was new! Some flying fool’s bad landing jittered me … off … my … my … my great Satan … speak of the devil, and *pant* he appears. Excelsoar!

14:45; Uh … Egads! Flee!

14:50; Okay *pant* he doesn’t *pant* appear to be *pant* following me. He is just standing *pant* in that crater *pant* his landing created. Just staring, *pant* at me,*pant* face as blank as infertile sperm.

14:55; Street of distance & Excelsoar remains unfazed. Smiling. Happy. How horrible. Well, perhaps the moron smile & bad landing infer mass loss of E’s already absent faculties. I’ll just nip down to the left-

15:00; Great Sir Walter Scott! That car is heavy! The people inside are a neglible ballast, particularly now that the impact has pulped them, but still it would be inefficient to move for my escape. Off, the right-

15:05; Shy Bizarro Oscar Wilde! That Italian truck’s size is only surpassed by the cargo of German washing machines it spills upon the road. The Swedish driver’s splat is of little consequence. Pry a sewergr-

15:10; Brain-Jane Austentacious! E tosses a washing machine in my personal space as I try to squeeze down a drain or unscrew a man-hole. I miss my staves, Mechanical or BORE , for screwing man-holes.

15:15; Charcoalotte Brontosaurus! Neanderthal brute cornered me like an intellectual mastodon in a pit of physical-strength-fuelled mental-mediocrity! In the name of invisible elephant avenger Triumphant I-

15:20; And now Excelsoar has finally focused enough to come kill me. I make a break for the restauraunts on the side of the street – perhaps I can cut through one through to the other side – escape this fool-

15:25; Note Reads: ”Have closed to see the PP trial, a deciding judgement in the restauraunt industry. Have taken in-house ninja to trial. If the PPs lose, we’ll all probably go out drinking. All day. Goodbye!”

15:30; Never has I been so absolutely hoisted upon my own petard. As punishing Excelsoar & the Projectionist Protectors, while fun, were also ‘good deeds’, I think this decides my never helping, ever again!

15:35; All my techtoys are in Whitby. All my BOREs are back in LPR. Even breaking into a restauraunt would provide a small television & microwave – visible light spectrum wave cannon parts. No time to-

15:40; I turn at his touchdown. Still leaping rather than flying, still smiling. He isn’t going to hold back; control simply isn’t in his featureless face now. His fist will skewer me like 3 homosexuals in a public toilet.

15:45; Fist draws back. I think of Open. Probably means I’m in love with her. Or I really wish she’d pop up with my hat & cane. Or I regret incensing this fool to save her bordello. I don’t have time to think…

15:50; … Then E’s hand is wrapped in pink string at swing’s apex. Few moments; manly-pink muscle explodes in liquid fire. E’s permanently dazed state shifts not at the pain, but when fire splashes in his eyes.

15:55; The classic retort to restrictive string follows; yanking in the offender for a punch. The attacker leaps at Excelsoar’s at this, ablaze, both now wreathed in flame; an elastic kamikaze riposte in cartoon-fu.

16:00; I sit down a moment. No, I hide behind a car. I have my pistol; might as well be rubber bullets. Excelsoar closed off the upper street at his back, before advancing. I roll my lockpicks out & start work.

16:05; Currently working on access to ‘Les Girondins’ which, according to the note on the door, has a mummy guardian, since the PPs started raiding, along with barred windows & exceptional locked doors.

16:10; Odd. I’m getting a lot more time to lock pick than I expected. Had assumed the attacker to be a passerby – seems to be holding his own, the warty bombardier. Still, keep picking; he isn’t that good …

16:15; Finally! Broke apart from a fiery embrace. Aha! This batractian bunsen burner, swinging from an elongated threadbare tongue overhead, hurling plasma fire balls from his webbed fingers, is Krakatoad!

16:20; Grandfather: French diver Frogman. Father: the masked adventurer Salamandrake. Mother: English civil writer Charcoalotte Brontosaurus. Brother: Electrical manipulator, known as The Brontosaurus.

16:25; Current affliation: Les Jeunes d’Armes, their third strongest member. Well it was convenient that-

16:30; -Convenient like heart attacks in prospective organ donors! He released E from his Chrono holding cell in the middle of his psych review; still reduced to the level of an infant!! Well, moreso an infant!!!

16:35; E’s confinement care must have been tendered to this adolescent idiot. At E’s current mental level, nothing exists but the id of the kill and the instinct of revenge. Revenge upon me. Drat that Krakatoad!

16:40; Innate acrobatics & well placed plasma balls (extruded from KT’s body FlameBoils) shan’t save me. E still can’t (won’t) fly, but KT was just concussed by E: a car. Girondin’s locks are many & good.

16:45; Ah! Good show! E leaned over, viced KT’s lips shut with a single hand, then squeezed the amphibian fire-eater’s bulging cheeks (his main methane gas reservoirs): Blowback! Bad for KT & I, but still-

16:50; -Here they come. Jeunes d’Armes no.s 1 & 2, in no particular order: Sabrianna, aka ”Witchgirl – Teen Hero of Justice” & Allen, aka ”Spaceboy – Emissary & Ally From Another World”. Good grief.

16:55; Didn’t hope for a Jeans d’Armes rescue – I had expected them to clean up their mess. Instead of the adults I get … what teen dramas do the kids today talk about at the box socials, or what-have-you?

17:00; Oh, lord, don’t they have an ongoing graphic novel? & podcasts. *Sigh* this will be a ‘team-building’ story; quirky animalist comic relief releases madman, kills me, gets recaptured – all have ice-cream.

17:05; I know J.J. hates the concept of youth-group supes; she was in the Jeunes d’Armes herself from pre-teens. Though I hear, for all her teen idol act, Sabrianna has a solid, JJ-style, head on her shoulders.

17:10; Descending on broomstick, I recall ‘The Fix’ described S as ‘Sexy schoolgirl plaid skirt & pointy Hermoine Granger hat’ mix. Don’t know who that is: a minion of ‘mind-control’ Rowling’s? So: Maybe?

17:15; As for sexy schoolgirl, why would schoolgirls be sexy? They are by definition thoroughly under-educated & inexperienced. Silly fetishes! Still, as president of the Witchgirl US fanclub, The Fix had info.

17:20; A fated birth … cross-discipline powers … princess of a lost kingdom … daughter of star … DAMN MAGIC! This lock must have magic seals on the lockplate opposite. Curse you, … unseen mummy!

17:25; Spaceboy? What about him? Prince, from another galaxy! Ambassador from beyond, learning our ways & customs, resembles a unitarded ‘Edward Cullen’, I am told! He has a website! I’m busy here!

17:30; Witchgirl tying E in glowing golden ribbons, while Spaceboy, in a bubble helmet & jetpack, is shooting multi-coloured lasers. Either it isn’t going well, or they are having an impromptu celebratory disco.

17:35; Not surprised about the lasers – E has taken his share of those in any number of extraterrestrial fisticuffs – but the magical invulnerability wasn’t something I knew about. Egyptian lineage claim, possibly.

17:40; Door is set to Henderson’s Itemised Combination! Wave a certain string of items in front of it, as well as keying the lock, it opens. The company’s standard combo should have been changed by owner.

17:45; But apparently hasn’t been! Gordian Knot Co recommends individualised combos – then charges a fortune for the reset! Lets see … yes! Siguls of light pulsed at the flash of a €5 note!! Combo 1564!!!

17:50; Indefatigabella’s Sequence! Why, yes, I did work that out in 5 minutes … because it was only 1 of the few possible pre-set combinations whose starter symbol I have on my person. Only sort-of lucky.

17:55; Sort-of lucky: sequence siguls 2-8 require a reddish-green light, a cat’s kiss, a jaunty flute tune, cheesy smells, sprinkled salt, gold & north winds blown through a blonde girl’s hair as she holds a mouse.

18:00; Yes, owners carry gladstone bags of very specific contents when such a lock is set. Not lightly locked, only in exigency … such as when he & all his neighbours are absent. Presumably, he rents the girl.

18:05; Then E careens through the door. The locks holds well – not so the doorjamb. Appears he intended to smite me, was smitten by the kitten with the ribbon whipped around his leg. S is yanked: she falls.

18:10; My, quite a headwound under her hat. Under the guise of applying Witchgirl’s own Rhythmic-Gymnastic ribbons her gushing cut, I observe Spaceboy fire laser round after round, at E, inside Girondins.

18:15; The only change to the prior fires is that the moody darkness inside the restauraunt & its recently deconstructed decor give the ineffectual light show the appearance of a homosexual celebratory disco!

18:20; I bandage over Witchgirl’s eyes, grip Spaceboy’s fishbowl helmet by the zigzag antenna & shake it swiftly, concussing him off of the inner walls, throw his jet pack into the restauraunt, shoot with laser!!

18:25; Intrinsic magics of windows & walls contain the blast, causing building to implode, rather than explode. A vent of fire out of the open doorway blasts the pubescent paragons of law up, up, and away!!!

18:30; Leaping wreckage & I am flushed into a police cordon *pant* where nobody knows me, offer help *pant* hence, I prefer supervillainy without a cape *pant* they might slow Excelsoar down, a little.

18:35; In scene of strength, no doubt inspirational *pant* if E wasn’t about to kill me *pant* his rubble-studded fist punches up through the brick-&-mortar bulge *pant* promptly beginning to dig himself out.

18:40; Saw E’s kind of rage fought before *pant* various of my employers took hostages *pant* metal doesn’t work – stronger than any metal *pant* riddles don’t work – too stupid *pant* too unstoppable!

18:45; If I can just get to *pant* Rue Belgique … in time … wait … is he gone? He isn’t behind me *pant* I’m almost there *pant* And … and then … and then there is a triangular shadow over my shoulder …

18:50; Like *pant* a rabbit in the grass under a hawk’s gaze *pant* a turtle in the eagle’s shade *pant* coyote beneath the boulder’s silhouette … he descends, having giant-leapt the tall building between us …

18:55; I turn … Excelsoar is at my shoulder’s height & a finger’s breadth distance. I try the useless laser; that I was frightened enough to try it scares me, more than Excelsoar does: He kills me, soul then body.

19:00; …

19:05; …

19:10; …

19:15; Dr. Morningstar calls a supertrouncing ‘the car crash that keeps happening’. Nothing but shock is processed. One doesn’t feel, until later – or not all. Classic pose: E holds a car, over his head, over me.

19:20; Car boot contents shift: E adjusts his hold. A bolt of white impacts upon E from the right so cleanly that car hangs in air absurdly, then drops harmlessly. With a voice like gargled glass, I say: thank you.

19:25; I sit up gamely – legs aren’t currently good for much else. Excelsoar has been driven through street & tarmac, pipes & wires, into the sewer. My rescuer: that angel, that goddess, The Mighty Paradigm!

19:30; Warrior angel on the jagged mouth of hell, I can just see sufficiently past P’s legs to the hole into hades, where E lies lengthwise, in ankle-deep eau de toilette. E is looks angry, looking a little … flushed.

19:35; An explosion of aqua! Excelsoar’s seizes the non-Mendeleevian element of surprise – choke hold! – inertia accelerating E&P into a nearby brownstone. Maybe the water powers weren’t entirely bunk.

19:40; I hate ringside seats to these debacles when I am without defences, video cameras & popcorn. Everything moves too fast, like an adolescent losing his virginity. I crawl, up steps of an adjacent building.

19:45; Paradigm is stronger & Excelsoar’s intellectual infirmity seems to have barred higher powers, like flight, but still – Plan A awaits! On this one occassion, I approve of disabled ramps on a public building.

19:50; P won’t kill & E, right now, will. Oh, she IS winning. That hand around her throat? Wriggled free, while holding the forearm in one hand & the upper arm in the crook of her elbow, – twist! Magnificent!

19:55; He screams. Her left fist comes up in a double stacatto, then a foot that must feel like teak twangs E behind the ear at roughly the speed of sound. Killing blow! KILLING BLOW! She! Speaks to him!

20:00; An avuncular abandoned insurance agency they impacted into is imploding. Out of pain, now, Excelsoar whips out blindly, shatters foyer support struts, load-bearing walls. It sinks down into the street.

20:05; The earlier sewer strata separation has compromised the architectural integrity of that area. The entire edifice goes down like a drunk secretary on his boss. I begin picking the lock behind me – quickly!

20:10; The semi-submerged hillock, a mound of earth pregnant with possibility & ruin, begins to shake. P: rendered unconscious by the events prior? E now has no pre/sub/unconsciousness to which to revert.

20:15; Lock unlocked just as a blue sleeve, Paradigm herself designed, breaches an earth birth once again. I stumble inside, careful on cracking joints, raid the Paris Library’s shelves, sit down to read in quiet.

20:20; C 34: ‘For the 1 the front mouth gripped, the teeth were as nothing to the claws, which sliced & tore the skin, until his back was stripped. That soul, my Master said, who suffers most is Judas Iscariot’.

20:25; Front doors shatter, behind I. ‘Head locked inside, he flails his legs. Of the other 2 who twist with their heads down the black mouth, holds the shade of Brutus, writhing, but not a word will he scream’.

20:30; ‘Cassius is the sinewy one, on the other side. But night is rising again, and it is time that we depart, for we have seen the whole’. A hand wrenches Dante’s Cantos from my mine, tears the spine. *Gulp*

20:35; Excelsoar’s face – bruised, broken in places. Excelsoar’s expression – pure rage, insane. Excelsoar’s eyes – blank, grey. Then, flying in the face of theology, a sinner such as myself, receives a 3rd angel.

20:40; Did I say Library Ann was beautiful? No? Still, inadequate. A deity in dame’s clothing. More beautiful than Open? Right now … perhaps, but only in that Open might leave me for this Ann in an instant.

20:45; That ‘a-single-second-from-stripping’ effect I mentioned, before? It blooms, now. Shirt undone, tie loosened, blazer unbuttoned, glasses down to the dip her nose, Ann asks E not to ‘bruise’ her books.

20:50; If E was in possession of full faculties, E’d do whatever she told him. She is … dazzling him, as is her kind’s prime most power. But E is far too far deep in his psyche to be touched. He swats her aside.

20:55; Hat crumpled to a concertina clump, jacket sleeve severed, spats torn & spattered. E grips me firmly by my lapels, pulling me up & my jacket’s back apart. Mental note: summer-weight fabric is weak.

21:00; A plant vine, with the sledgehammer strength of mychronoids breaching a cement pavement, wraps around E’s throat, draws him back. I go flying, wishing life was what I did instead of had done to me.

21:05; ‘Deity’ is inaccurate for Ann, as is ‘angel’. ‘Dryad’, really. Tree spirit: insectile & reptile varieties, South American & African jungles. Depending on species: tree’s protector, or bait for man-eating plants.

21:10; First line of defence is beauty – pheromones, neuroendinocrinology, ‘glamour’. Second line is sheer, destructive, strength. Her eyes become segmented, faceted, her face thin & triangular: Ann is shown.

21:15; Strong, tendril-thick & whip-quick fingers hold E in a boneless embrace. My guess? Ann’s mother laid her eggs in a redwood … which was a Paris Library shelf by the time Ann herself awoke, to duty.

21:20; Probably would have slaughtered the staff as tree-killers, except Marshall Lore must have been reading there. Using his elohim algebra of place & purpose, he redefined ‘sexy dryad’ into ‘invisible lady’.

21:25; The glamour became invisibility, the runes tattooed upon her entrusting her to protect the paper her tree had become. Lore no doubt recommended her to the Bookpimp, to protect books, by midnight.

21:30; Except tonight: She told me, early this morning that the Bookpimp’s night shift had closed up, ostensibly preparing for a new location, but in reality prepping to hunt Dr. Nation, newest 30-day defaulter.

21:35; A risk to rely she still would be in the Library, true – without BORE, she was invisible to me. Taking my life, & a particularly South-American smelling book, in my hands, I decided to … daftly wager it.

21:40; I exit by the main door’s dearth, limping to an ambulance parked outside. Dark, cold & rail slippery in my hands, I am glad things work in threes & thankful for the death of trees. Then! E is free, again!

21:45; He has wrestled free of her ferocious fronds. Part of his cape; fizzles with Ann’s acid. Part of his neck; scored with ugly red puckers. His mask; torn off, don’t know whether it was him, or her. I: … run.

21:50; I fall, down the steps he takes one at a time. I crawl, across the concrete his feet effortlessly dent. I wrench, useless, at the back doors of the ambulance he does not need. That E will never, ever, need.

21:55; Somewhere Witchgirl’s eyes are still blindly bandaged. Paradigm is still unconscious under a building. Library Ann is still bound by books to the library; she cannot get out, without the Bookpimp work.

22:00; Street swells with water from a building-blocked sewer. Quiet splash of E’s feet approach. Police cordons far too far away. Am about laser the van doors open only to see … its seams seem all wrong?

22:05; The laser blast glances off the panels, not so much as streaking the paintwork. The doors open with pressurised force, breaking my arm and knocking me aside. From below, I see the van’s steel struts.

22:10; Steel supports, drilled into asphalt. From gutter, I notice the shape of the entire automobile is wrong for an ambulance. A whirr of minor motors & a cannonhead is birthed from van’s now-open behind.

22:15; A rectangular barrel: I think rail gun, for a moment. Then: the energy canisters along its length signify Laseradicator. It preps a moment, then a red dot appears upon Excelsoar’s chest, in the central ‘E’.

22:20; He looks, then laughs. It is long, lonely thing from the man who believes himself to be most powerful in the world. He may believe his enemy believed it would hurt him. Just the targeting array … I think.

22:25; Still, I can’t imagine a Laseradicator doing E much harm. He wouldn’t exactly take it on the chin, but it wouldn’t end this. Then, over the scent of my blood(!), I smell Bose-Einstein condensate in the air.

22:30; A laser in the megawatt range using a light-bending condenser ether … I struggle out of the blast radius & into a good viewing spot. Only 1 person could have arranged this; she deserves total attention!

22:35; To make a wormhole in time, one bends space. Mass is curved space – light has energy, can act like mass. A circular beam of light takes great energy … unless, the light is slowed: with BE condensate.

22:40; A Bose-Einstein condensate: degenerate form of matter, occurs at absolute 0, atomic contents all in identical superfluid quantum state, with 0 viscosity. Here, my broken teeth chatter, in pure adoration.

22:45: The light only gains inertia as it slows, more energy for less effort. The bent-light circle time machine of Mallett traces a helical world-line … going back in time until the traveller exits the loop, in the past.

22:50; Looked into it as a time machine, but limitation: the machine cannot go back further in time than the date on which it was built – the timepod would be deconstructed in the attempt, killing the traveller …

22:55; … because the only way to overcome would be to externalise the machine from the process, leaving the traveller exposed to the vaccuum of the void – staying still, the earth moves out, into outer space.

23:00; Therefore, the only a man invulnerable to vaccuum, able to breathe in space, would survive such a trip. I presume Excelsoar can – he has been in the centre of the singularity for the past thirty minutes …

23:05; The water frozen, the condensate smell everywhere, a coccoon of light hangs in front of the gun barrel, a silk line of light, twisted around E. Between the light-line & E is the dead, deep, dark, of space.

23:10; E is suspended in space & moving in time, along the earth’s invisible orbit around the Sun. Experientially, E could have spent a year, hanging in space, in these past 40 minutes. Can he starve? Hope so!

23:15; Laseradicator:

Defcon Magenta!


1475 things Mr. Welch can no longer do during an RPG

September 19, 2009

1475 things Mr. Welch can no longer do during an RPG

Review: Awesome. Even if you don’t know anything RPGs.

To preface this: It is 1475 lines long, short enough for posting, long enough to review.

1. Cannot base characters off the Who’s drummer Keith Moon.
2. A one man band is not an appropriate bard instrument.
3. There is no Gnomish god of heavy artillery.
4. My 7th Sea character Boudreaux is not ‘Southern’ Montaigne.
5. Not allowed to blow all my skill points on 1pt professional skills.
6. Synchronized panicking is not a proper battle plan.
7. Not allowed to use psychic powers to do the dishes.
8. How to serve Dragons is not a cookbook.
9. My monk’s lips must be in sync.
10. Just because my character and I can speak German, doesn’t mean the GM can.
11. Not allowed to berserk for the hell of it, especially during royal masquerades.
12. Must learn at least one offensive or defensive spell if I’m the sorcerer.
13. Must not murder canon NPCs in their sleep, no matter how cliche they are.
14. Ogres are not kosher.
15. Plan B is not automatically twice as much gunpowder as Plan A.
16. I will not beat Tomb of Horrors in less than 10 minutes from memory.
17. Collateral Damage Man is not an appropriate name for a super hero.
18. When surrendering I am to hand the sword over HILT first.
19. Drow are not good eating.
20. Polka is not appropriate marching music.
21. No longer allowed to recreate the Death Star Trench Run out of genre.
22. There is no such thing as a Gnomish Pygmy War Rhino.
23. Any character who has a sensitivity training center named after him will be taken away.
24. Even if the rules allow it, I am not allowed to summon 50,000 Blue Whales.
25. The green elf does not need food badly.
26. Valley speak has no place in a fantasy setting. Especially if you’re the paladin.
27. I am not to shoot every corpse in the head to make sure they aren’t a zombie in Twilight 2000.
28. The Goddess’ of Marriage chosen weapon is not the whip.
29. I cannot have any gun that requires me to continue the damage code on back.
30. I am not to kill off all the vampires in the LARP, even if they are terminally stupid.
31. The backup trap handler is not whoever has the most HP at the time.
32. I cannot buy any animal in groups of 100 or over.
33. There is no such skill as ‘improvised cooking’
34. I am not allowed to base any Droid off any character played by Joe Pesci.
35. I am not allowed to convince the entire party to play R2 units.
36. I am not allowed to convince the entire party to sit on the same side of the table.
37. They do not make black market illegal cyberweapons for rodents.
38. When investigating evil cultists not allowed to just torch the decrepit mansion from the outside.
39. Gnomes do not have the racial ability ‘can lick their eyebrows’
40. Gnomes do not have the racial ability to hold their breath for 10 minutes.
41. Gnomes do not have the racial ability ‘impromptu kickstand’
42. Having a big nose adds nothing to my seduction check.
43. No longer allowed to set nazi propaganda music to a snappy disco beat.
44. Not allowed to spend all 100 character points on 100 1pt skills.
45. My character names are not allowed to be double entendres.
46. Sliver rhymes with silver because the computer frelling says so.
47. They do not make Nair in wookie sizes.
48. The elf is restricted to decaf for the rest of the adventure.
49. Not allowed to blow up the Death Star before that snotty farm kid gets his shot.
50. Not allowed to use thermodynamic science to asphyxiate the orcs’ cave instead of exploring it first.
51. No longer allowed to use the time machine for booty calls.
52. My bard does not know how to play Inna Godda Davida on marachas.
53. Not allowed to start a drow character weighing more than a quarter ton.
54. Cannot pimp out other party members.
55. Before facing the dragon, not allowed to glaze the elf.
56. No matter how well I roll, a squirrel cannot carry a horse and rider at full sprint.
57. In the middle of a black op I cannot ask a guard to validate parking.
58. Expended ammunition is not a business expense.
59. Not allowed to pose the Netrunner in embarrassing positions when he’s on a run.
60. Not allowed to short sheet the bedroll of impotent deities.
61. Can only taunt the ranger about his lack of swimming after my USCG E8 saves him.
62. I am not allowed to do anything I saw Han Solo do once.
63. No, I cannot buy 10,000 marbles even if I say please.
64. My paladin’s battle cry is not “Good for the Good God”
65. There is no Summon Bimbo spell.
66. Not allowed to start a character that speaks every language except ones the party speaks.
67. There is no Kung Fu manuever “McGuire Swings For Bleachers”
68. Bring him back intact includes redundant organs.
69. There is more to wizardry than magic missile. Even if I can do 200 damage automatic with no save.
70. Not allowed to cook up nerve gas in the sink even if the target number is 5.
71. There is no ‘annoy’ setting on a phasor
72. Not allowed to start a character who is over 100 years old unless he’s an elf or dwarf. Humans are right out.
73. Not allowed to name my cudgel Ceremonial Whoopass Stick.
74. My thief’s battle cry is not “Run And Live”
75. Nor is it “You take care of the orcs, I take care of the traps”
76. I am not allowed any artistic license while translating.
77. I did not get my super powers from James T. Kirk.
78. Not allowed to commission a pistol that costs more than a sedan.
79. I am not liquid metal.
80. When accepting a challenge for a duel, I must allow the other guy time to find a pistol.
81. A picture of my ex-wife is not an acceptable backup weapon.
82. Victory laps after killing the dragon with my 1d2 bow is considered in poor taste.
83. My gnome does not like big butts and he cannot lie.
84. Not allowed to talk my fellow inquisitors into buying a 220lb pull crossbow.
85. Not allowed to talk my fellow inquisitors into buying an industrial strength flamethrower.
86. Not allowed to make a superhero with a 99% chance of dodging even after the -10 penalty for a successful called shot.
87. There is no such thing as a dwarven katana.
88. My bard does not get a bonus to perform if she is obviously not wearing anything under her tabard.
89. The elf’s name is not Legolam.
90. My swashbuckling fop cannot take the flaw Dark Secret: Not Gay
91. A wet towel does not constitute an improvised weapon.
92. The name of the weapon shop is not “Bloodbath and Beyond”
93. I am to remind my DM that he must never, ever give my paladin a dire boar for a mount again.
94. I cannot base my ancient kung fu master on neither Gene Simmons or Bluto Blutarski.
95. I must not put the Thunder God on the spot again.
96. No making up polearms.
97. My one wish cannot be ‘I wish everything on this piece of paper was true’
98. There is no such thing as Speed Polka.
99. Not allowed to see if Jedi can parry a shotgun blast with their lightsaber.
100. When any character from a d20 sourcebook is allowed, that doesn’t include System Lords.
101. I am not allowed to pave ANYTHING.
102. I am not authorized to start any civil engineering project on the taxpayer’s dime.
103. There is no such thing as a Club 3 of Cup Checks
104. Nor is there a 1 Longsword, 5 against party members.
105. I am not allowed to polymorph anyone into Abe Vigoda.
106. I do not have weapon proficiency in cat.
107. There is no such game as Wereshark the Buffet.
108. No, I do not get XP for every single crewman on that Star Destroyer.
109. Not allowed to kill a vampire with any part from a DC-10 larger than my car.
110. Not allowed to serenade the party even if my character has an internal tape deck.
111. I did not pick the garrote skill last week from my grandmother.
112. If the gun can’t fit through the x-ray machine, it doesn’t go on the plane.
113. My Droid is not allowed to paraphrase any Jack Nicholson soliloquy.
114. The Demilich only falls for getting stuffed in the bag of holding once.
115. My musical instrument does not double as a personal flotation device.
116. Not allowed to take a coffee break during the final super villain showdown.
117. I am restricted to memorizing Floating Disc only once per day.
118. I will pick a more traditional paladin weapon instead of a sledgehammer.
119. My character’s names cannot be anagrams of playboy playmates.
120. Not allowed to kill another party member with a boomerang again.
121. I am not a contractor for Dragon Cave Cleaning Services Inc.
122. The paladin’s alignment is not Lawful Anal.
123. Not allowed to forget to mention traps when the powergamer has point.
124. I cannot insert the words “Kill Phil, Sorry Phil” into any list of instructions.
125. Lingerie can only snap coincidentally so many times per day.
126. Dwarves do not count as burrowing animals.
127. Not allowed to download AOL 6.0 on the Arasaka mainframe.
128. Polka Gnomes exist only in my mind.
129. Not allowed to name my ship The Antidisestablishmentarianism.
130. I am not authorized to form the head.
131. Not allowed to bet how many times the lich bounces.
132. There is no such feat called “Death Blossom”
133. My acrobat cannot balance on the warlord’s head for more than one round.
134. The King’s Guards official name is not “The Royal Order of the Red Shirt”
135. I cannot demand payment in electrum, backrubs or bubblewrap.
136. I cannot start the 7th Sea campaign with 3 confirmed Drachen kills.
137. I do not have a scorching case of lycanthropy.
138. If the mere thought of it costs the others sanity, I’m forbidden from doing it.
139. My bard is required to take levels in the perform skill and cannot ‘just play by ear’
140. The Dutch language does not exist in the Forgotten Realms.
141. My maid does not know kung fu.
142. Not allowed to give a 4 year old a sugar rush just to jack up the CR later.
143. Not allowed to by a holy symbol for every god just in case one of them is right.
144. There is no such thing as pleather armor.
145. I cannot go back in time to cut in line at the Declaration of Independence so everybody now is asked for their Terrence E. Woczinski when signing documents.
146. Not allowed to play an Australian in any game set before 1600.
147. Hobbits are not allowed to have Norse ancestry.
148. There is no Gnomish Deathgrip, and even if there was, it wouldn’t involve tongs.
149. Looting the unguarded baggage train is not considered a glorious victory.
150. Not allowed to create recreational drugs in suppository format.
151. Halflings do not have a racial proficiency with the flamethrower.
152. When the guy is at -9 HP is not the best time for my cleric to convert him.
153. I will not propose to every noblewoman at the royal ball until I crit my charisma check.
154. I am not allowed to rub the monk’s head for luck.
155. I am not allowed to rub any part of the elf chick for any reason.
156. When one person forgets to buy rations eating the half-elf is not our first option.
157. Any capital scale weapon is not ‘my little friend’.
158. I will not declare myself a god just so I can grant myself spells.
159. Airlocks do not double as trash disposals.
160. I will not load any gatling weapon with nothing but paint rounds.
161. I will not nail every single female party member except for the elf chick played by that creepy guy.
162. What ever monster we just killed is not to be tonight’s dinner.
163. Not allowed to try and make a dire version of any dog of the toy breeds.
164. I am not to tattle to the halfling assassin’s mom about his career choice.
165. I am forbidden from replacing anything with folger’s crystals to see if they notice.
166. Not allowed to bribe the enemy commander into withdrawing with a stolen Elvis LP collection.
167. I was not recruited by Star League for any reason.
168. I was also not recruited by 12 dwarves and a wizard to rob a dragon.
169. I am neither the pagan god nor goddess of fertility.
170. I cannot name my character Xagyg or any anagram thereof.
171. My character’s dying words are not allowed to be “Hastur, Hastur, Hastur”
172. At no point can I justify spending force points on a seduction check.
173. I am not allowed to recreate Veers’ March of the AT-ATs on Zhentil Keep.
174. There is no use of Shatner’s spoken word album that doesn’t require a humanity check.
175. I am not directly descended from either Huey Lewis or any member of the News.
176. I cannot make called shots to the plectrum, anvil, stirrup, hammer or Isle of Langerhans.
177. Stinking cloud is a privilege, not a right.
178. There are no profanities in Celestial.
179. Chummer means he is my friend, not that sharks find him tasty.
180. I have neither the touch nor the power.
181. I cannot quote Shakespeare in Crinos.
182. No figuring out the plot and killing the actual villain five minutes into the adventure.
183. There are no rules for cooking corn dogs in any d20 supplement.
184. A starting character has no need for 100gp worth of hemp rope.
185. My bard does not need roadies for a dungeon crawl.
186. No cutting line to be a god.
187. I cannot gain more than three drama die per session for making the GM pee.
188. I cannot play a elf with a scottish accent, nor a cajun dwarf.
189. Tourretes is not a flaw, it is a reason to kill the character at creation.
190. Duel wielding small animals is strictly forbidden.
191. My character is not related in anyway to Boba Fett. This goes double for Star Wars characters.
192. If the gun is best fired using the artillery skill, my character is not allowed to have it.
193. Not allowed to kill vampires with seismic charges.
194. When the other guy picks swords for the choice of weapons, that does not leave me pistols.
195. I cannot use a silent feat enabled power word stun and blame it on the dog.
196. I cannot name a character anything that I can’t say politely in another country.
197. My epic level character cannot take on the minor goblin menace to his country just to stay sharp.
198. Not allowed to steal my own soul.
199. My third wish cannot be ‘I wish you wouldn’t grant this wish’
200. I cannot name my character cliche canon characters from other systems.
201. My thief is prohibited from speaking solely in Cant.
202. Character descriptions cannot contain two of the following words: Slavic, Tonedeaf, Karaoke, Musician.
203. My superhero’s strength is not classified as snazzy, neato or bodacious.
204. I am not too sexy for the elf, too sexy for the elf, so sexy myself.
205. My 3rd ed. Red Wizard is not allowed to start a business named Thay Co.
206. I cannot forge a 1 sword of Brad’s Min/Maxed Paladin/Monk Slaying.
207. The following weapons are not legal choices in a duel: Steamroller, Nerve Gas, Landmine, Midget.
208. I cannot whine about the crappy selection of magical bec de corbins.
209. My Paladin’s heraldry is not a smiley face.
210. My Antipaladin’s heraldry is not Mr. Yuk.
211. If at any point if my dwarf takes on the mannerisms of Macho Man Randy Savage, he dies.
212. If the party always starts the adventure in a tavern, I cannot opt to start in a brothel.
213. I am not the patron saint of common sense.
214. There is no prestige class Drizzt Slayer.
215. They do not make heavy weapons in pump action.
216. There is an upper limit to the number of Bozo boostergangers I can get in a Volkswagon.
217. If the weapon is capable of staking vampires hiding behind engine blocks, I can’t have it.
218. No matter my alignment, organizing halfling pit fights is a violation.
219. In formal introductions to royalty, I must not introduce my companions as just “The Other Guys”.
220. I am not the master of the low blow or the gang up.
221. If I get that Yugo up to 120mph again, that’s gonna get some paradox.
222. Druids are not against my religion.
223. I cannot convince the Solo he has a cortex bomb when he really doesn’t.
224. I cannot insinuate elf chicks are all easy, even though you never hear about a half gnome do you?
225. I am forbidden from monologuing.
226. Troll bubblegum…bad idea.
227. My last wish cannot be “I wish we were playing another game.”
228. I cannot use my time machine to hire Hitler a hooker in 1920, thus avoiding WW2.
229. Not allowed to spontaneously check if the elf can take a punch.
230. There is no such thing as monofilament tooth floss.
231. I am not allowed to do anything that would make a Sith Lord cry.
232. It is not possible to recreate any scene from Dr. Who in Crinos.
233. If I am the medtech it is generally assumed I am going to have skill in medicine.
234. My character does not get d34 HP a level.
235. My Samedi is required to have dots in obfuscate. Plural, as in more than one, two more than none.
236. My character has no need for 24,000 cartons of cigarettes, especially in his neighbor’s garage.
237. Not allowed to use more than 3 words per game that the GM has to look up the definition.
238. My bard cannot play or has ever heard of the theremin, didgeridoo or glass armonica.
239. My rockerboy cannot play or has ever heard of the theremin, didgeridoo or glass armonica.
240. Any character with more than three skills specializing in chainsaw is vetoed.
241. Cannot use the jedi mind trick to get out of a speeding ticket.
242. Not allowed to give quicklings Mountain Dew.
243. Cannot cast haste on the king during a long winded speech to get him to hurry the hell up.
244. Not allowed to taunt the rest of the party in 8 different languages because they forgot to take any.
245. Not allowed to attend any opera whose name the GM confuses with a strip joint.
246. I cannot keep selling that creepy guy’s always naked elf chick to nomads every chance I get.
247. If the king rewards me with a forest, I am to assume he intends for me to keep it a forest.
248. There is no Halfling god of groin shots.
249. If a black op requires me to impersonate an employee, I cannot bill the target for overtime.
250. Superfluous Man is not a viable superhero concept.
251. I am not the Boogie-Woogie Bugle Boy of Gundam Wing Z.
252. I can not order the Druid to transform and roll out.
253. If the other party members forget to take any food prep skills, not allowed to let them starve to death.
254. I cannot blow 5 paradox in: A police line up, the candy aisle of Krogers, the Miss America Pageant.
255. I cannot create a superhero that can palm the moon.
256. The following cleric domains do not exist: Wet T-Shirts, Atheism, Keggers
257. I cannot wish nobody else gets wishes.
258. There is no such thing as Skyclad Armor 5
259. My Highlander’s name cannot be McHammer.
260. Gnomes do not have a racial bonus in bobsled.
261. The Barbarian’s name does not translate into “Screams like little sissy girl” in my language.
262. When the GM forces the plot, I cannot make choo-choo noises.
263. Not allowed to attempt to kill the Hutt by pouring salt on him.
264. I cannot use the time machine to go to Ancient Greece where all the women were leather clad, oiled down with big bosoms.
265. It assumed my mechwarrior knows at least what one of the buttons in his cockpit does.
266. At the end of a black-ops, I cannot crank call C-SWAT on the target’s phone.
267. I cannot yell “FREEBIRD” every time the bard makes a perform roll.
268. Mr. Welch is not allowed to speak in 3rd person.
269. My character cannot hear the soundtrack.
270. I cannot derail the adventure for a two hour in character discussion on the qualities of rope.
271. Tracheotomies are best left to characters with skills in medicine.
272. No skill allows specializing in defenestration.
273. No matter how smart I make my animal companion, he still can’t take the tax accountant skill.
274. I cannot commune with the Gods during peak hours.
275. I must remember at dinner time Rock is not a dwarven delicacy.
276. I must remember at dinner time Log is not an elven delicacy.
277. My half-ogre cannot surprise the halflings with spontaneous games of dodgeball.
278. Anything the DM has to ponder the full impact of for more than a minute is forbidden.
279. I cannot base any elf off of any British Prime Minister.
280. Thermonuclear hand grenades do not exist in any genre except Paranoia.
281. I cannot get emotionally attached to any generic nondescript unnamed NPC.
282. Even if laughter is the best medicine, it still doesn’t restore any of my HP.
283. I have been assured with total certainty Ralph is not a Japanese name.
284. When the CO asks for volunteers, I can’t help others make a decision.
285. I am not from Margaritaville, and even if I was, that doesn’t excuse the hawaiian shirt and lawn chair during the dress inspection.
286. No character of mine can start with 400 previous convictions for any misdemeanor.
287. When asked for advice before a fight “Don’t wet yourself in public” is not what they were looking for.
288. I cannot name my character after another PC already in this game.
289. My character does not have the flaw Addiction: Helium.
290. I cannot figure that the dungeon we’re in is the Pac-Man maze and point it out to the rest of the party.
291. I cannot form a huddle to discuss strategy before facing the final monster in the dungeon.
292. I cannot take all the monsters I’ve killed to the taxidermist after the adventure.
293. Clowns shoes have no place in a dungeon crawl.
294. My dwarf is not claustrophobic, likewise, my elf is not agoraphobic.
295. When my enemy blinks does not give me an attack of opportunity.
296. I cannot make called shots with a crew served weapon.
297. I cannot hand out artillery flares to the bad guys on New Years and tell them they are roman candles.
298. Sprechen Sie Bang-Bang? is not real German.
299. I do not get any XP for anyone I kill by stampeding sheep.
300. I cannot give the rebel operatives the codenames Luke, Han, Chewie or Yoda.
301. “Well Hung” is not a physical, social or mental trait.
302. A gimp suit does not count as leather armor.
303. I cannot gradually describe my character more and more until it’s obvious I’m describing Burt Reynolds.
304. My life long nemesis is not allowed to be the unsuspecting cleric sitting across the table from me.
305. Anything my character does that ends up as errata I am retroactively prohibited from doing.
306. Chaotic Evil dieties do not have hymnals.
307. Even if he can use them from the start, my barbarian can’t specialize in fencing weapons.
308. A Mao suit is not proper garb for my shugenja.
309. I cannot cast invisibility on random household items like car keys, tea sets and bear traps.
310. I cannot spend all my points on just followers.
311. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot start the game as pope.
312. I am not the son, father, husband, exroommate, former professor or retired garbageman of the villain.
313. My British Superspy does not get a reroll on his seduction check if his shirt gets ripped off.
314. Under ‘Religion’ I cannot put ‘Xenu’.
315. My gnome cannot save point on the ride skill simply by asking for piggyback rides everywhere.
316. My character is not allowed to commit suicide five minutes into the campaign.
317. My battlecry is not ‘Now young Skywalker you will die’.
318. Vampiric cows are not the fast food innovation of the future.
319. My character does not have the flaw: Dark Secret- I’m Kilroy.
320. The Sultan does not want a treasure bath.
321. The monk’s official title is Brother of the Lotus Path. Not the Slap Happy Jappy.
322. My bard knows more songs than just “I Saw Your Mommy”
323. I cannot start the game with a highly contagious deadly disease.
324. I cannot start the game pregnant.
325. Even if he was a paragon of humanity in his alternate dimension, Good Hitler is not an appropriate superhero concept.
326. Cannot accumulate 200 points of flaws for Hackmaster.
327. I am not allowed to decide which one of us is the Chosen One.
328. I cannot keep my phaser on disintegrate just because it’s the coolest setting.
329. Not allowed to spoil the plot by simply removing the hinges on the door.
330. The Halfling Paladin does not represent the Lollipop Guild.
331. I cannot invoke Consecrate Weapon on a Man of War
332. I cannot spend character points to buy imaginary friends.
333. I cannot fistinate anybody, whatever the hell that means.
334. Pinball is not a specialization for wizards.
335. When installing cyberware, can’t install the Clapper as a built in feature.
336. Cannot start a Cthuhlu character with a pre-existing hatred of books, altars and cutlery.
337. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot control 20,000 pigeons and use them as flying piranha.
338. Any character named El Robotico Jiraffe de Fuego is begging to be vetoed.
339. Can’t avoid going on an epic quest with the excuse “Can’t find a sitter”
340. I cannot start the game married to another PC without their consent.
341. Not allowed to declare myself a free agent and take offer from other adventuring parties.
342. After the first adventure I cannot write a tell all book about the party.
343. I must remember royalty do not share the same love of parody as my bard.
344. No matter how much I make my IQ roll by, I can’t make the other guy’s head explode.
345. I don’t have weapon proficiency in elf, either.
346. I most certainly don’t have weapon proficiency in a Phased-plasma rifle in the forty watt range.
347. If I’m not the decker, I can’t do anything I saw in Tron once.
348. The rest of the party appreciates it if I don’t start the game in Cyberpsychosis.
349. Power Word: Beer Me is not a real spell.
350. I am not allowed to buzz ANYTHING.
351. I cannot take skill Profession: Ecdysiast
352. When I choose my wizard’s familar, Belgians are not a legal choice.
353. I cannot pick a Destroid that makes the Veritech pilots feel inadequate.
354. Tricking the party into killing each other off and then turning in their corpses for the bounty is frowned upon.
355. My monk’s battlecry is not “Round 1: Fight!”
356. No matter how well I roll, the Quack skill is not a substitute for the Doctor skill.
357. I cannot disassemble a car in under 5 minutes.
358. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot make a character that gets double XP per game for showing up.
359. Killing quicklings with marbles only works once.
360. I must remind the GM that my Blessed can Raise Dead before he runs another murder mystery again.
361. It is not feasible for my Archer to recreate Hudson’s Last Stand.
362. It is very unlikely my half-ogre and the half-elf, half-dragon, tiefling and aasimar have the same dad.
363. When challenged to a showdown, I’m meant to face him at 10 paces with pistols, not 10 blocks with a Sharpe’s Big .50.
364. I am to avoid killing, upstaging or seducing historical characters.
365. Not allowed to setup the main villain with the mad scientist’s sister.
366. Female minotaurs do not have udders. This issue is closed.
367. No using excessive firepower to force the plot along.
368. My teleporter cannot stop the alien invasion with just the law of displacement, laws of motion, and a huge freakin’ asteroid.
369. Not supposed to stop the soon to be cyberpsycho by disassembling him earlier in the adventure.
370. What happens in Sigil does not always stay in Sigil.
371. No thinking up new, creative and fun uses for cursed items.
372. Cannot start the game blitzed, especially if I was stone sober at the last game break.
373. It is bad form for the queen to see my nipples.
374. I am not to combine the advantage Fearless and the disadvantage Curious in the same character again.
375. Killing the building does not add to my body count.
376. The barbarian must remember that ‘human shield’ is a figure of speech.
377. My character is required to have a minimum wisdom of 10, that way I have no excuses.
378. I can cannot give my character the moniker “Tim the Barbarian”. Especially since he’s the bard.
379. I am to stop asking the elf to put a good word in for me with Santa.
380. I cannot use the ventriloquism skill to convice the fighter his new sword is a magical talking one.
381. Min/Max for combat=good. Min/Max for accounting=bad.
382. I can’t bet the power gamer he can’t solo the module.
383. It is not ok to use 10,000 rounds to kill two sentries.
384. The titles “Viking” and “Obstretrician” are mutually exclusive.
385. All characters will use the bathroom before the dungeon crawl.
386. The following words are not legal for the command spell: Prognosticate, theorize, notarize.
387. I cannot give magic items super easy commands words like ‘is’ or ‘the’ and activate when you say them.
388. Pursue means chase after, not just make called shots to the knees.
389. My samurai is not required to commit seppuku if he fails to hit the monster.
390. My character’s background must be more indepth than a montage of Queen lyrics.
391. A starting paladin has no conceivable use for industrial lubricant.
392. I am forbidden to see when halflings or gnomes bounce higher.
393. If I can fit my head down the gun’s barrel, I can assume it doesn’t have the non-lethal option.
394. If the light spell expires, no lighting the dwarf.
395. I cannot have any weapon that requires me to crank start it first.
396. I will refrain from using wildly inaccurate high explosive weapons in close quarters.
397. I will not tell new players that 1st level characters do not have a scent as a defense mechanism.
398. No matter what popular media says, harpoons are not proper ninja weapons.
399. When I have to pick a starting dementia, Stockholm Syndrome is not appropriate.
400. Check the door means to listen at it, not put several rounds through it.
401. When a virgin sacrifice is demanded I will not look knowingly at the paladin, netrunner or Hermetic.
402. No matter how many people I need to feed, I will not use MDC weapons to fish.
403. My rigger does not get a bonus if his log in code is up, down, up, down, left, right, left, right, A, B, A, B, Start.
404. No subcontracting dungeon crawls.
405. I will not name my character for the power gaming campaign Generic Cleave Path Fighter #7.
406. The first rule of Finnegan school is not “Do not talk about Finnegan school”
407. I will not blow all my starting funds on hookers and booze.
408. If I have to sacrifice my fifth dot in resources to afford it, I can’t have that gun.
409. I will not cast darkness at the magic missile.
410. If the NPC is on the cover of the rulebook, I can’t kill him.
411. It is bad form to shoot a god while he’s monologuing.
412. I will not try to skip to the main boss dressed like a singing telegram.
413. The chaotic neutral alignment is forever closed to me.
414. If my stats are STR10 DEX10 CON8 INT16 WIS17 CHA15 I’d better not be the half-orc barbarian.
415. My archmage will not join a party running Keep on the Borderlands as a ringer.
416. I will not substitute accuracy with enthusiasm.
417. The solution to all my problems is not Crinos.
418. Steel toe boots do not add to my AC.
419. Spankings generally will not change evil alignments.
420. “For the King” is an example of a good battle cry. “Smoke the Mother” is not.
421. I will not convince the GM’s noob GF to play a psychotic combat monster.
422. My marital status does not affect in anyway my fear checks.
423. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot play a duck.
424. I cannot liven up the adventure with snappy musical numbers. Even if they did it on the TV show.
425. Chainsaws and butter churns filled with bees do not use the same weapon skill.
426. Thirty minutes after a massive battle against Cathayans I am not bloodthirsty again.
427. I cannot do anything I saw Jackie Chan do once. Even if I am in Home Depot at the moment.
428. I will never create a plan that first hinges on the invention of velcro.
429. If the character isn’t deaf, his only language cannot be AMSLAN.
430. Spray paint is not a substitute for proper camouflage.
431. We will not implement any battle plan that includes the underlined words “And hope they miss a lot”
432. Cannot put anything featuring Calvin on my starfighter.
433. I will not find a peaceful solution to the adventure just to piss off the power gamer.
434. Never again will I convince a player to keep a character nicknamed “Stumpy McLunger”
435. No bribing the DM’s new GF with chocolate so he’ll go easy on us.
436. Even if my cleric has the domains of Wealth and Healing doesn’t give me the right to start an HMO.
437. From now on my Highlander will refrain from dancing the Can-Can.
438. The ability to afflict everyone in 150′ with herpes is not an acceptable super power.
439. I will not start the game as a toddler just to rack up massive stat bonuses as I age.
440. I am forbidden from trying to merge the best features of automatic weapons and manual transmissions.
441. There is an upper limit on the number of people a bullet will go through.
442. When told to be subtle, playing a foul mouthed chain smoking squirrel is not a good choice.
443. Zombies are not infectious in D&D. So I should stop shooting PCs in the head if they are bitten.
444. Whether it’s fair or not, my thief will not insist we take turns checking for traps.
445. I will not admonish my fellow paladin with ‘a little less lawful, a little more good’
446. Ninjas are not ablative.
447. If the NPC is critical to the plot later, I cannot crit him 4 times in one round.
448. I will not attempt to unionize the brutes.
449. I will not switch to an entirely new class every single time I level.
450. When told to distract the villainess, they didn’t mean with a surprise marriage proposal.
451. I cannot start the campaign conjoined to another character.
452. Not allowed to convince the entire party to base the group only off Gary Oldman characters.
453. I will not redefine the term ‘trapdoor’.
454. No staking a vampire with anything larger than his chest cavity.
455. Styrofoam is not an appropriate component for golems.
456. I cannot put my familiar up for stud.
457. I did not invent the wet tabard contest.
458. “When I’m in the mood” is not a valid trigger for a contingency spell.
459. The vampire clan with vissitude is not pronounced ‘Karl’
460. I’d better have a real good excuse for being a necromancer if I’m lawful good.
461. Tasha’s Uncontrollably Hideous Sister is not a real spell.
462. 1st Watch is not for accordion practice.
463. Even if it is hip to be square, I still can’t play a Modron.
464. 2nd Watch is not for starting up pick up rugby games with wandering monsters.
465. After a successful black ops, I will not leave paint bombs under all the boardroom’s seat cushions.
466. 3rd Watch is not clothing optional.
467. There is no ‘accidentally’ slipping a Smite Evil into a pillow fight.
468. If the party wakes to find a chariot upside down in a fountain, I’d better not be the prime, usual or only suspect.
469. If I wake up to find black cloaked figures in my room, I will not immediately point them to the halflings’ room.
470. Sarcasm is wasted on Imperial Stormtroopers.
471. I am not fluent in any dialect of gibberish.
472. When my cleric is told to “Buff the Elf”, I know exactly what it means and may not miscontrue it in any way.
473. No matter the CR of the monster, no naked pookie dances upon victory.
474. Black and Decker does not make prosthetics.
475. Can’t trick the rest of the party into babysitting my kids.
476. The alignment of 2 years olds is not automatically Neutral Evil.
477. I cannot spay the Vargyr.
478. Castillians do not always end their sentences with the word ‘Ariba!”
479. As a matter of fact, Dwarven Battlegarb in no way resembles Angus Young’s stage costume.
480. I will not address Fauner Posen with ‘Jawohl mein Liebenaffe’
481. I am forbidden from doing anything that ends with a snarf, rimshot or spit take.
482. No uploading porn to my CO’s HUD.
483. No downloading porn from my CO’s HUD.
484. If the word ‘Mullet’ appears anywhere on my samurai’s character sheet, he’s vetoed.
485. My Mossad agent’s battlecry is not “Torah, Torah, Torah”
486. No how tough the encounter was, I will keep the congratulatory ass slapping to a minimum.
487. Halfing mating rituals do not include beer can crushing, power belching, or Lynyrd Skynyrd trivia.
488. If I have to pull out of the dungeon because I’m low on HP, no filing Workman’s Comp.
489. No making up any strange hobbies just to get out of taking watch.
490. Quoting Bob Dobbs while charging into battle is unusual. Quoting Bob Newhart is right out. Quoting Bob Dillan is just silly.
491. If my Faith is 4 and your Faith is 2, that doesn’t mean Jesus loves me twice as much.
492. Beer Boy is not an acceptable hireling for the dungeon crawl.
493. I will not base any Media character off Milo Bloom.
494. I will not use a time machine to invade Germany on September 2, 1939 by surprise, securing Dutch domination of Europe.
495. No supplying my own canned applause.
496. While Bardic music can increase skill rolls, bad jazz adds nothing to seduction rolls.
497. If somebody in the party has a Wisdom or Intelligence lower than 8, I am forbidden from talking to them.
498. A firefight is not the best time to tell the party my Medtech has a fear of blood.
499. No inventing the minefield.
500. My superhero will not spend points to fly just because he’s too lazy to walk.
means.

Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in an RPG 501-1000
To keep the list a bit more readable, split it in half. Here’s 501-1000

501. Even if playing a game allowing animal characters, Tai Chihuahua is not a good concept.
502. If my name isn’t Grimlock, can’t start every sentence with “Me Grimlock”
503. Dwarves do not get Beard Cancer.
504. If the party is to frequently meet with Queen Victoria, I cannot play a Texan.
505. My warrior cleric will not pick his deity solely on the god’s BAB.
506. Mjy Vjikjing Skjald wjill njot tjake ljibjertjies wjith thje rjunjic ajlphjabjet.
507. My character cannot give another character the alcoholic disadvantage during play.
508. I will not tell the noobie to roll his THACO.
509. I will not base my superpowers off of Christ. Even if my character is nothing like him.
510. After a bloody battle, I will not celebrate by lying down and making carnage angels.
511. When GM demands to know what my character is doing, it better not be “The Charleston”
512. The nationality of my favorite soccer team does not add to my Brawl Skill.
513. Trying to rip the face off the villain will not get the Scooby-Doo ending.
514. No giving my Roman gladiator the short disadvantage and naming him Minimus.
515. I am not the Lord of Rodly Might.
516. Not allowed to name my characters Grimlock.
517. I cannot make called shots to their self esteem.
518. Affirmative Action does not require me to play a drow.
519. Dual wielding party members is also frowned upon.
520. Under no circumstances is my medical droid allowed a groin mounted rectal thermometer.
521. I will not convince the entire party to play Amish for the cyberpunk campaign.
522. Not allowed to parry at the wrist.
523. When I’m rescued the correct response is ‘thank you’ not ‘took your freaking time!’
524. I will not ask my gun for advice.
525. Running a non-stop Rocky Horror fest for staked vampires is outside the budget for most Samedi.
526. If an NPC is known as the “One” I cannot volunteer to be the “Two”.
527. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot spend $64,000 to get the vorpal option for a forklift.
528. I cannot buy every single advantage during character creation.
529. My character is not from Duncan, Idaho.
530. I cannot earn bonus XP for ‘catching air’ with an MBT. So stop trying.
531. No making up gnomish subraces.
532. Despite being a staple of comic books everywhere, I cannot teleport objects in front of naked people.
533. I cannot increase my comeliness by growing a pornstache.
534. When I level up, I just can’t copy the guy next to me’s choices.
535. I cannot make a dungeon crawl easier by opening a rival dungeon and hiring away all his guards.
536. If a powergamer joins our crew, I will not billet him in the newly furnished auxiliary airlock.
537. The Cause Disease spell cannot inflict Nitrogen Narcosis.
538. Even if I spend the points, I cannot start married to any of the X-Men.
539. Defensive perimeter traps my character sets up are automatically party knowledge.
540. A full minute of stunned silence means “My God what did you do?” not “Please continue.”
541. When prompted for a target by the guided missile “the naughty bits” is not a valid choice.
542. No, I do not have time to carve that mountain in the shape of anything.
543. There is more to buying rations than ramen, spam and beer.
544. I will not cast Gate to bind an infernal creature of power to my bidding and make him mow the lawn.
545. No going 100% tracer round on the HMG just because I like the pretty colors.
546. Dead party members, while effective, are not appropriate anti-grenade measures.
547. Perform skill does not apply to the following: Performance art, spoken word, or fan dances.
548. I cannot have a “What Would Ao Do?” bracelet.
549. It is not physically possible to cook off an accordion.
550. Dwarves can indeed tell the difference between their genders.
551. Cannot install Lojack on the Dragonkin.
552. If my character’s drow wife finds I let my niece appear in a Gnomes Gone Wild Video, my death will not even warrant a saving throw.
553. No matter how well I make my disguise check, my gnome cannot convincingly pass for any member of Rush.
554. Even though armor gives him no benefit, my monk still has to wear something.
555. I will stop snickering every time the monk announces he’s touching someone with his quivering palm.
556. Even though I’m the ranger, I can’t stalk the elf babe.
557. If they get a bonus to spot my gun with a geiger counter, I can’t have it.
558. There is not a ‘Take your daughter to work day’ for adventurers.
559. Even if the Ranger offers his sword, the elf his bow and the dwarf his axe, my gnome can’t offer his accordion.
560. Can’t hire a sentient black pudding to be the ship’s janitor.
561. I can’t play a deep gnome just to make the rest of the party have to pronounce Svirfneblin.
562. “Pass without trace” doesn’t work on bad checks.
563. I can’t make anyone Jewish with a called shot.
564. The Lutherans don’t have an inquisition.
565. My vampire hunter can’t have anything he saw on an infomercial at 3am on PBS.
566. When confronted with a haunted house with bleeding walls, no converting it into a self supporting blood bank.
567. I cannot consult my lawyer before making my wish.
568. My first wish cannot be “I wish you grant all my wishes to the spirit and letter of the wish’
569. All 3 of my wishes cannot involve Alpacas.
570. The DM does not want to know how my human fighter is triple wielding scimitars.
571. I will not secretly maze the wizard’s familiar, druid’s companion or paladin’s mount just for a laugh.
572. Even if the rules say otherwise, I cannot carry 100lbs of styrofoam without encumbrance penalties.
573. Improved evasion does not work against Save vs. DM.
574. “Get dressed quickly in the dark” is not an advantage, bonus, benefit, feat, skill, perk or merit.
575. Even if I’m a near immortal demi-god with the power to create entire worlds with a thought, still bad to throw a party when Dad’s away without permission.
576. I can’t use my sneak attack opportunity to cop a feel.
577. No matter how stupid the PC’s comment, it doesn’t provide an attack of opportunity.
578. Rectomancy is not a school of magic.
579. “Pimp my Death Star” is not a real show, and I’d better believe Grand Moff Tarkin knows this.
580. A sledgehammer does not give any bonus to my search for secret doors roll.
581. No filling the paladin’s stocking with coal on Christmas to make him wonder what he’s got to atone for.
582. I can’t thwart the Rebel Alliance’s attack with the newly invented manhole cover.
583. Can’t intimidate the evil wizard just by constantly summoning bigger versions of what he’s just summoned.
584. On second thought, a minotaur architect is a really bad idea.
585. No using psychic powers before the adventure to figure out who to take life insurance out on.
586. Cannot spend extra money to get the optional “flay” setting for my pistol.
587. No taunting the 1st level magic user with “Mighty bold talk for a guy with only 4HP.”
588. Paladins are immune to STDs, but if I take advantage of this ability, I lose it. Wonderful paradox, isn’t it?
589. If my gun on a scale of 1-10 is a 7, it’s vetoed if that’s the Richter scale.
590. I can’t convince the rival party our Q-Ship is just named that because it’s piloted by John DeLancie.
591. Defibrillators do not allow me the use of the Cleave feat.
592. No matter how well I roll, other PCs cannot be haggled into paying me to perform errands for me.
593. Tensor’s Herniated Disc is not a real spell.
594. True to fluff or not, my berserker cannot take the beekeeping skill.
595. I cannot pick a race with a prehensile ANYTHING.
596. No dual wielding whips until I at least have proficiency with them.
597. The party does not need to know about the time I woke up duct taped to the back of a Drow Matron Mother.
598. Any adventure that ends up with my character being worshiped as an orc god was just a dream. Retroactively if need be.
599. Cannot start the new adventure with me trying to run down who ever didn’t show up for the last adventure.
600. Even if I’m a wizard, I still can’t apply embarrassing tattoos to the NPC.
601. If we run out of cannonballs armadillos will not do in a pinch.
602. Find Familiar scrolls are not a substitute for the hunting skill.
603. I cannot have any gun mentioned in the Geneva Convention by name.
604. If my alignment forbids torture, that includes Gnomish Poetry Slams.
605. Even if this an adventuring party, I can’t show up to the adventure drunk and wearing only a toga, lampshade and half elf stripper.
606. If my power is super growth, that includes my skin.
607. A N-Scale tuba player is not an appropriate miniature for my gnome bard.
608. The answer to ‘who’s got point?’ is not the fireball.
609. No diety will let me use my nipples as holy symbols.
610. I cannot name my character Dwead Piwate Woberts.
611. No initiating social challenges based only on the color of the werewolf’s shoes.
612. Every time a PC takes himself out through his own stupidity does not let me sing the Oompa-Loompa song.
613. I can’t have a magic item I can’t request with a straight face.
614. My superhero tank must be height/weight proportionate.
615. One close call with a mimic does not give me the right to attack every door I come across.
616. Even if they are the same cliched acid for blood aliens, can’t load my shotgun with baking powder.
617. The forehead is not an appropriate place for a kill count holo-tattoo.
618. No matter how much my humanity loss, a chainsaw is not a substitute for a bayonet.
619. No matter what the dice say, I can’t kill a 4th gen vampire with a pump action loaded with buck in a single round.
620. My Blessed does not have the hindrance Ailin’: Stigmata.
621. No offering the old man and the farm kid a better rate to Alderaan.
622. Paladins make poor vikings. And vice versa.
623. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot play a Dire Gummi Bear.
624. When asked what my character is doing, it had better not be the vitakinetic.
625. I must remember before the next time I shave off the sleeping dwarf’s beard and glue it to the sleeping elf, wars have been started that way.
626. Dwarves are not proper substitutes for pufferfish.
627. The GM decides if my character dies from a stroke, not me.
628. I can’t use audible glamour to trick the cleric into building an ark.
629. Just because they are all into rock, metal and axes, dwarves are not all headbangers.
630. Replacing the solo’s bullets with blanks so he comes in dead last in bodycount isn’t funny.
631. Medicine cabinets are not the best place to stash spare squeeze tubes of explosive putty.
632. When asked to tutor someone on his defense trait, can’t keep punching him until he get it.
633. When told to choose my weapon in a duel with the assassin, can’t pick his weapon.
634. Cannot recreate any scene in 2001: Space Odyssey involving women’s lingerie.
635. Arguments cannot end with the statement ‘Alright, we’ll settle this like penguins!’
636. Recon means tell them what I saw, not slaughter all the monsters without them.
637. German characters do not gets 4 racial bonus to intimidate French characters.
638. The DM is not impressed by me spoiling his well planned ambush by just casting Glassee on the door.
639. Before hiding with all the werewolves to ambush the Settite, make sure he didn’t leave the LARP 4 hours ago.
640. Even if he loves me too, Chitti-Chitti-Bang-Bang is not an appropriate choice for the romance background.
641. Casual attire does not include shoulder holsters.
642. My character’s grandma was not, is not and will never be a contract killer.
643. Even if the rules allow it, I can’t gain 1,000,000 XP with one forged check.
644. No matter how much mousse I use, my hair will never have damage resistance.
645. My matter how high my faith skill, still can’t take God as an ally.
646. If the game store owner goes into vapor lock, the adventure is over.
647. Any answer to a question involving the words ‘wizard’, ‘station wagon’ and ‘wood paneling’ is no.
648. Can’t marry off another PC more than half a dozen times.
649. Zero bodycount does not mean just the ones they can find.
650. Gnolls don’t fall for the fake ball trick more than once.
651. My alignment is not Sarcastic Good.
652. My fighter cannot take the flaw: Addiction- stabbing things.
653. Cannot wish for the party to have common sense. Even the wish spell has its limits.
654. If the party goes into my room and finds a Deva wearing only baby oil, oven mitts and spurs, they can start the module without me.
655. When asked my position in the party, it’s not ‘whatever’s closest to Bangkok.’
656. A crayon is typically going to cause a penalty to my forgery skill.
657. Can’t put a glass bottom on my tank to I can see the looks on their faces.
658. Changing sexes is restricted to male or female.
659. Quoting Ministry lyrics is not SOP for the Gladius Dei.
660. Walmart is not my one stop shopping place for hunting vampires.
661. The line on my character sheet for ‘Sex’ is not for keeping score.
662. My Paladin will stop referring to her detect evil power as Evildar.
663. Even if I just rolled 832d6 for damage, still can’t get a bonus to my intimidate check.
664. Unlike real life, I don’t gain the whirlwind attack to smack all my backtalking children.
665. My WW2 era mad scientist will pick a new target for his project other than Manhattan.
666. When offered a Dracheneisen item of my choice, can’t pick Nunchucks.
667. No matter what the dice say, can’t decapitate an Aberrant with a straight razor.
668. AT-ST soccer games are strictly against Imperial Army protocols.
669. Cannot name Boba Fett as a godparent to any of my children.
670. While I’m fixing the X-Wing, the brash pilot is still miffed about the Y-Wing loaner.
671. House Kurita Mechwarriors do not appreciate posters of Godzilla taped over their optical sensors.
672. Teleport Without Pants is not a real spell.
673. It’s not necessary to install a portcullis in every single room of my castle.
674. When deciding what to do with the ancient alien artifacts we discovered, EBAY is not an option.
675. Even if the rules allow it, I can’t take the identical twin advantage 22 times.
676. My character’s primary purpose in the party is not to just leech 1/6 of all the XP.
677. Elves do not have the racial trait: No Gag Reflex.
678. Distract the bad guy does not mean with a recreation of the Apollo landing.
679. I do not have time in the Black Ops for break dancing, Greco-Roman Wrestling or phone sex.
680. My axe doesn’t go off accidentally when I’m cleaning it.
681. Even if he is a total blast, can’t channel Baron Samedi at a Coming Out Ball.
682. Can’t make a called shot with a flamethrower.
683. After finishing the cliched “New boss is villain” adventure, can’t file for unemployment.
684. My mummy can’t take out multiple life insurance policies on himself and name himself the prime beneficiary.
685. The game of chicken does not involve the polymorph spell.
686. My vampire hunter does not take the “un” out of “undead”
687. I cannot backstab anybody with a Buick Skylark.
688. Even if the rules allow it, my Paladin cannot have the flaw: Hatred- All living things.
689. The combat feats I can use with a battering ram are extremely restricted.
690. Mordenkainen’s Dysfunctional Family is not a real spell.
691. No matter what the kids say, animated balloon animals is a poor use of the Create Golem feat.
692. The Dr. Jones School of Swordfighting is not an appropriate Swordsman’s School.
693. There is no conspiracy to write out the gnome’s contribution to the Fellowship of the Ring.
694. Search the old castle means enter it, not level it with artillery and dig through the rubble.
695. Buying the Elf Babe a trampoline and telling her it boosts her Dexterity isn’t fooling anybody.
696. Any plan involving strapping puppies to my armor is vetoed.
697. No “accidentally” crosswiring the X-Wing’s fire control and ejection seat switches.
698. During the Black Ops no accessing the target’s HR files and getting babes’ phone numbers.
699. Fed Ex does not deliver to the Keep on the Borderlands.
700. Not allowed to use basic economics to crash the evil empire’s economy by spending all my swag there at once.
701. Cannot take the moniker “the Hyperpolysyllabicsesquipedalinist”
702. The Banana of Disarming is not a real magic item.
703. Cannot sharpen Ioun stones for increased headbutt damage.
704. No using my hideously low Charisma to get the villain to do the opposite of what I suggest.
705. Need to stop using my reality altering ability to make every day Mardi Gras.
706. Cannot base my barbarian after Wink Martindale.
707. A throat punch does not give a bonus in a contested philosophy check.
708. My paladin mini is vetoed if it’s obviously Private Drake from Aliens.
709. Any plan is vetoed if it was obviously inspired by Boromir.
710. My info gathering mission must include info that wasn’t obviously obtained in a brothel.
711. If almost all the words in my character’s background start with the same letter, he’s vetoed.
712. When told to leave a trail for the rest of the party to follow, they didn’t mean with cigarette butts.
713. If if the rules allow it, can’t sink a battleship with a stapler.
714. I do not get a bulk discount on ninjas.
715. Even if the rules allow it, I can’t invent the strip joint.
716. I cannot play a race the GM can’t pronounce.
717. I cannot start the game in post-apocalyptic Poland driving a Porsche.
718. Warnings given retroactively in battle aren’t appreciated.
719. A fluffy tail does not add to my comliness if I’m already 1′ tall, furry and a squirrel.
720. Don’t have to include the line “And then stab them a lot” in the plan; it’s already assumed.
721. Even if my super power is invisibility, still have to provide a model for my character.
722. Can’t intentionally fail all my secret door checks so I don’t have to play Tomb of Horrors again.
723. If my character is related to a god, it can’t be as a parent.
724. The time machine is not for finishing my set of Disciple autographs.
725. No, there is not a Mr. Of Arc. No, I still can’t hit on her.
726. My black ops experience does not include panty raids and beer runs.
727. Cannot singlehandedly make Starfleet Academy the #1 party school in the Alpha Quadrant.
728. Not legal to retroactively challenge anyone I just shot to a duel.
729. Cannot take the flaw Obsession: Elf Chick’s lingerie.
730. No part of the plan includes: You give me the idol, I give you the whip.
731. No matter how many called shots to the neck I make, I’m still not going to cause a cool pyrotechnics display.
732. Not allowed to trade in my X-Wing for a Gunstar.
733. Cannot make a plan that hinges on the villain first being allergic to peanuts.
734. My character’s background cannot be a wikipedia biography with “Falco” crossed off and my character’s name written in.
735. Adding hydrolics to my R2 unit does not give him an intimidate bonus.
736. No taking the party to Kara-Tur just because my character has a thing for Asian chicks.
737. Will not color code everything on the ship just to piss off the Vargyr.
738. Though highly educational, no more slipping the anti-paladin sodium pentathal.
739. Can’t make the blacks ops super easy by sending a couple of strippers to the guardroom first.
740. Not allowed to give my character a name from a bushman click language.
741. Not possible to tap a keg for mana.
742. Apparently Chaotic Angry and Neutral Hungry aren’t real alignments either.
743. Even if the rules allow it, can’t takes out an MBT with a shotgun loaded with slug.
744. My second wish can’t be for a new, more open minded genie to grant my remaining wishes.
745. Can’t wish I was the GM.
746. No making up holidays for my cleric.
747. Can’t just walk the obstacle course, even though I beat everybody who tried to run it.
748. Holding a pillow over a sleeping person’s face is not a gnomish expression of affection.
749. There is not a Spent Clip Fairy.
750. A bag of holding is a bad place to stash bear traps, badgers or crushed glass.
751. If the party has to pose as classical German composers, I will not declare “I’ll be Bach”
752. Cannot take the spetum as my favorite weapon just because it sounds dirty.
753. No encouraging swedish accents.
754. Even if the rules give no maximum encumbrance, still can’t pick up the bank and walk away with it.
755. There is a reason no game has pasties in it’s starting equipment list.
756. The Power Armor skill does not have a cascade skill dance.
757. I will not build a character with a skill from every single expansion book.
758. Not allowed to take a toad for a familiar just for it’s pharmaceutical properties.
759. Restricted to one blue chip for humor per game.
760. Can’t use the time machine to rename famous historical discoveries after myself.
761. Not allowed to forge the 1.1 ring.
762. Fighter can’t put points in Perform just so he can hammer dance after each fatal critical hit.
763. No slipping the juicer Ritalin.
764. In the middle of a chase in a commandeered car can’t spend an action to change the radio presets.
765. Can’t parry with a called shot to the face.
766. No more Crazy Ivans while I’m driving the AT-AT.
767. When challenged to a high noon shoot-out, that means in the time zone I’m currently in.
768. Burning my bard song on CD and putting it on repeat does not mean the effect never ends.
769. Before turning undead, make sure the assassin didn’t take the vampire template.
770. My mythos investigator doesn’t talk in his sleep.
771. Mashed potatoes do not add to my damage resistance.
772. Not allowed to base a paladin off Lee Marvin.
773. My great axe priviledges can be taken away.
774. If I’ve leveled up 5 times to the Dragonkin’s 0, that doesn’t mean I’m lapping him.
775. My investigator’s motto is not “99% Mythos Lore, 1% Sanity- don’t push me”
776. Even if it was obviously in self defense, my character is not allowed to kill George Takei.
777. Tai Kwan Doberman is not a real martial art.
778. It is not possible to bioengineer a kosher pig.
779. Even if we are in Ravenloft, Paladin can’t go up ten levels in one night.
780. When told I have to join the RPGA to play in a game, can’t sign the membership card “D. Duck.”
781. My tribe’s trial by combat ritual is not best described as “Calvinball with axes”
782. My paladin’s job is not to enforce happiness.
783. The following are also not acceptable Ironclaw characters: Mortal Wombat, Dalai Llama, Boom Orangutan.
784. Monks do not make 3 Stooges sounds in combat.
785. Even if the rules allow it, can’t shoot 20 guys in one round with a musket.
786. No I cannot keep the drow priestess we just found as a pet.
787. “Start a career in modeling” is not an appropriate use of the Suggestion spell.
788. “You take the scary one” is not our default battle strategy.
789. Even if it’s for his own safety, can’t secretly remove the firing pins from the powergamer’s guns.
790. If I have access to warm water, I don’t take watch unsupervised.
791. Not allowed to give any birthday gift to a child that immediately earns me a dark side point.
792. Despite the movie’s claims, Wookies get no racial bonus for chess.
793. When building a superhero, can’t spend half his points on radar sense and the other half on cooking.
794. Pregen characters do not have cutesy nicknames, even if their real names are pretty lame.
795. Improved Evasion is not solid proof “Duck and Cover” works.
796. In the middle of the black ops can’t lock a bunch of long haired molting cats into the CEO’s office.
797. If in the middle of our dressing down our CO strokes out, we took the joke too far.
798. Not allowed to use guppies as buckshot.
799. Can’t hunt drow with a spotlight and 30.06.
800. The default response to a social challenge in any game is not to just shoot them.
801. We do not settle disputes in Paper-Rock-Scissors with games of Vampire.
802. Fake eye spots on my helmets do not help intimidate the monster.
803. If my personal carried firepower exceeds that of the Battleship Texas, there’s a problem.
804. I cannot take the Dementia: Obsession counting things if I’m not a Malkavian.
805. On second thought, I can’t take it even if I am a Malkavian.
806. My character cannot have a noticeable impact, positive or negative, on a town’s population.
807. Large dice are for rolling. Not sound effects.
808. Covering fire does not include nuclear weapons.
809. I don’t earn the bonus XP for a written background if it’s just a summary of the plot to Dig-Dug.
810. While the party is off searching for secret doors, can’t position the slain orcs in compromising positions.
811. In the middle of a black ops can’t reprogram the cleaning droids to wax the floors for 12 hours straight.
812. I don’t have to take a lower level bard adventuring as my opening act.
813. Taking the orc warlord’s skull as a trophy is acceptable. Not as a hand puppet.
814. Sending the villain a nymph stripper only works once.
815. Somebody doesn’t “accidentally” fall on two dozen shanks.
816. The adventure wrap up is the epilogue. Not Miller Time.
817. Cannot challenge anyone to a dance off. To the death.
818. Augment their psi means their mental powers, not their air pressure.
819. Taking each class as I level in alphabetical order is forbidden.
820. Even if the rules allow it, my Paladin can’t serve the god of obituaries.
821. My sorcerer will not take a level in druid just to make it easier to get to the flammable stuff.
822. If everybody in the room is in black leather, we’re in the thieves’ guild. Not a fetish club.
823. Even if infinitely useful, absolute power over elastics is not an appropriate super power.
824. The back up trap handler is not the guy with the lowest INT.
825. I cannot have Bracers of Brachiation until I tell the DM what brachiation really means.
826. Elves do not respond to chainsaws the same ways dogs react to vacuum cleaners.
827. My battlemech does not play Dixie every time I hit the jump jets.
828. Even if the mages critically fumbles his stealth check, can’t threaten to bleed him slow.
829. Despite the song’s claim, a pelvic thrust does not cause Sanity loss.
830. Even if we are in Sweden, I can’t use one blanket seduction check on the entire crowd.
831. I didn’t ‘accidentally’ forget to buy any skills.
832. I will not run up my bar tab and then skip out leaving the DM’s super NPC to foot the bill.
833. Overrunning a larger army is not a glorious victory if it happened at 3AM and they were still in bed.
834. I will stop reminding Elminster he’s not as cool as Merlin, Gandalf or that shapechanging wizard from Krull.
835. I cannot lure out the Psycho Killer into an ambush by having sex with another character.
836. No paraphrasing the party leader’s elaborate plan as ‘pick somebody you don’t like and let them know it.’
837. Even if the rules allow it, I can’t take the 1st Armored Division as an ally.
838. Doesn’t matter how high my influence is; I still can’t make Carmen Miranda hats part of the unit’s dress code.
839. In the middle of a black ops no inserting a memo into the target’s computer mandating ‘clothing optional Mondays’.
840. Even if it would have immediately solved the last six adventures, I won’t throw dynamite in every well I come across.
841. No more tricking rookies into putting whoopie cushions on Lord Vader’s throne.
842. When handed Dieties and Demigods and told to pick a god for my druid, I will skip right by the Cthulhu Mythos.
843. It doesn’t matter how high his hit points or damage reduction are, we aren’t sending the dwarf into battle via catapult.
844. As a matter of fact, Jeopardy does screen for telepaths.
845. It’s not a good idea to taunt Greek heroes with “Who’s your daddy?”
846. Doesn’t matter if it’s an anime style game, I don’t get a bonus to hit with eyepokes.
847. Polymorph Mother-in-Law is not a real spell.
848. The Caern is not “Disneyworld as if run by coyotes”
849. The FBI tends to notice when people buy several miles of hamster tubing at once.
850. Doesn’t matter how practical, we aren’t reanimating the dead dragon and having him haul that horde back for us.
851. When plumbing the depths of depravity, I must remember to come up for air.
852. Any superhero offensive to more than two major religions is vetoed.
853. Even if I’m faced with yet another Get of Fenris Lupus Ahroun, I will not refer to him as CliChe Guevara.
854. We will not take the dead dryad with us to use as kindling.
855. I will not keep reincarnating that bugbear until he comes back as something we can actually eat.
856. A funeral is not a proper place for setting new fashion trends.
857. I will not disbelieve the magic mouth before he gives out the important plot information.
858. Even if it is hours of entertainment, can’t feed the Red Talon peanut butter.
859. I will concede we’re on a dungeon crawl and stop trying to talk to the monsters.
860. Under religion I cannot put Born Again Klingon.
861. I will not use undocumented zombie workers to help build my castle.
862. Bigby’s Offensive Finger is not a real spell.
863. Even if there is no alignment in Traveller, giving feuding TL1 tribes TL12 weapons and putting the results on PPV is just wrong.
864. My doctor’s bag will contain more than just a bonesaw and a bottle of whiskey.
865. I do not put the cad in decadent, nor the rave in depraved.
866. Even if it’s catchy, I don’t have to yell my battlecry everytime I roll to attack.
867. We can’t all play bards just to relive our favorite Spinal Tap moments.
868. I cannot have a gun with an area of affect larger than it’s range.
869. Richard Simmons is not an appropriate role model for a Get of Fenris.
870. I will not use my vast personal knowledge of Dublin, Texas to get an unfair advantage in the campaign.
871. My halfling cannot take the flaw Obsession: Ring of Invisibility.
872. Any gun that sets off the metal detector before I even pass through it is vetoed.
873. I will not combine Thermographic Sights and a gun that can shoot through walls. It makes Black Ops too easy.
874. After cleaning out Ravenloft, when it’s my turn to pick treasure, can’t call dibs on the castle.
875. If my superhero has a healing factor, claws, combat sense and longevity, he can’t take the flaw Total Pacifist.
876. If I want to play a rampaging nordic warrior and get handed a treehugging elf hippie instead, I can’t play her like a rampaging nordic warrior.
877. Even if I am playing a chick, I can’t spend all my starting cash on shoes.
878. Rifts in the time/space continuum are not for my personal amusement.
879. Buying a bigger gun does not restore sanity.
880. Searching the dead PC for spell components is ok. Using him for spell components is not.
881. Any character that can run the 2 minute mile is vetoed.
882. I will not convince the party to name all the characters the same thing.
883. I do not need to see proof of insurance before making a medtech roll.
884. Customs doesn’t care what my charisma bonus is.
885. Halflings do not store food in their cheeks for winter.
886. Elves are not deciduous.
887. Despite evidence to the contrary, half-elves do not automatically go both ways.
888. Breast enhancing spells gain no benefits from meta-magic feats.
889. I will not try to regain sanity by nailing the reporter chick in public.
890. Dwarves do not get Roto-Rooters as racial weapons.
891. I will not brag too loudly I’m the real reason behind the sinking of the Titanic.
892. Cultists tend to notice if you’ve replaced their summoning ritual with Jitterbug instructions.
893. Invisibility is all or nothing, can’t just target their clothes.
894. I can’t just keeping buy rounds of drinks until everybody passes out so I can rob them.
895. I will not miss the final epic battle just because I crit my seduction check.
896. Polish is not a sub-dialect of gnomish.
897. Any action causing the powergamer to storm off while actually appreciated is frowned upon.
898. Healing people of other faiths gets a penalty in Deadlands. Not Serenity.
899. I will not have the architect build my castle using a hexadecimal base to screw with the powergamer.
900. I will not fill the bag of holding with dirt so we can just fill in pit traps as we detect them.
901. In the middle of the Black Ops a diversion is not blowing off the top twenty floors of the building.
902. Can’t set the bad guy on fire until after I’ve blown the persuasion roll.
903. If I fail to make a bluff check, can’t shoot him to change it to an intimidate check.
904. Not possible to fire a gun with your teeth.
905. Humming the James Bond theme in the middle of a Black Ops doesn’t give me any bonuses.
906. They make platemail in a variety of styles. Crotchless is not one of them.
907. Can’t use my attack bonus as a substitute for the skill: Hibachi Chef.
908. I can’t take Telekinesis as an auxilary mode just to get free food from the snack machine.
909. Dual wielding spike chains does not let me use the battlecry “DANGER WILL ROBINSON DANGER!”
910. I will not convince the entire party to play rockerboys so we can be a Europe cover band.
911. Can’t take a level of monk just for tone.
912. Droogie is not a starting language.
913. After casting my one first level spell, can’t leave the dungeon to go sleep.
914. Can’t bribe the biokinetic to take my drug test for me.
915. On second thought, let’s not disguise the wookies in the stormtrooper uniforms.
916. A runic facial tattoos is acceptable for my berserker. Not a Betty Boop.
917. Have one point in every single skill in the game doesn’t count as a super power.
918. Can’t clean out the dungeon by renting the adjacent dungeon and being as obnoxious as possible.
919. Goldfish do not get a bonus in a staredown.
920. My mech gunner can’t have a nude pinup in his cockpit. Especially if it’s of his pilot.
921. “But she’s hot!” is not an acceptable excuse for my Black Ops solo dating the tabloid reporter.
922. No matter how much we look, we’re not finding the secret door leading to the back of the villain’s hideout.
923. Druids do not hibernate.
924. Before I make my next wish I have to ask myself: “Is this going to shatter the very fabric of reality again?”
925. Any gun that can fire more rounds in one shot than I can physically carry is vetoed.
926. If given a stock NPC, I must play him as written. So Jar-Jar has to lose the sarape and the cigar.
927. I do not get a bulk discount at the jenny’s guild.
928. The Flaw: Odious Personal Habit- Teleports into romantic moments is only available at the maximum penalty.
929. Telekinetic Redhead Chick is not a real superhero.
930. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot circumnavigate the world on foot in one turn.
931. There are no alignment restrictions on becoming a lawyer.
932. Nowhere in the bible does it say ninjas have to line up in a straight line to fight me.
933. If escorting a high priority target, I can’t biosculpt the entire team to look like her.
934. Nerve gas complicates fast talk rolls.
935. Cannot take the shape of any animal the GM doesn’t know.
936. ‘The power of Christ compels me’ does not justify my Blessed’s actions.
937. I cannot take life insurance out on anybody I have for the enemy background.
938. Psychotherapy doesn’t eliminate the alignment change penalty.
939. Just because I’ve hit name level does not automatically give me groupies.
940. I will not abuse the Exemplary virtue to set up highly choreographed dance routines with random crowds.
941. In the middle of a black ops I cannot make an educational video.
942. We do not need an elf on this dungeoncrawl for the same reason miners need canaries.
943. I am not Bjorn of Borg.
944. Before accepting a harem as a reward for my heroism, need to check with the wife.
945. I don’t get any equipment before the GM can Google it.
946. If Australia doesn’t exist, I can’t use my Australian accent. Even if I am playing a space koala.
947. I cannot bet the powergamer he can’t field strip the grenade faster than me.
948. Even if the rules allow it, I can’t catch dropped cannonballs with my teeth without drawbacks.
949. I will not make my castle’s halls 9x9x9′ to keep out gelatinous cubes.
950. The ability to give superpowers to characters is acceptable. Naming the character Captain Franchise is not.
951. The most important stat in Call of Cthulhu is not movement.
952. Keifer Sutherland does not make numerous cameos in my character’s background telling him he’s destined for greatness.
953. No matter how high my strength, still can’t use that wall as a shield.
954. I will not convince the entire party to play identical copies of the same character on the grounds we’re sextuplets.
955. No matter his age, my bard can’t start a boy-band.
956. Despite the halberd being 6′ long, it can’t hit monsters more than 5′ away.
957. Even if it’s been more than two hours since we left the bar, the dwarf isn’t getting the DT’s.
958. No matter how practical, I can’t have shotgunchucks.
959. The town drunk is not our one stop source for all mythos happenings in every town.
960. I will not base my Call of Cthulhu character off the lead character in Slingblade.
961. Even if I am pissed for working on my birthday, in the middle of a Black Ops I will not refer to my CO only by his first name.
962. If I don’t have an instrument for my bardic song, an ‘air mandolin’ won’t suffice.
963. After critting with a cannon, we can’t dump a barrel of gunpowder over the gunner’s mate.
964. Elves aren’t marsupials.
965. Even if we’re freezing to death, I won’t cut open the half-orc and shove the elf inside him.
966. Using precog on the personals to find out who puts out on a first date is abusing the power.
967. There is no such thing as a Tequila Golem.
968. A paladin with a British accent is acceptable. One with a Peter Lorre accent isn’t.
969. When I’m allowed a bunny as a familiar, that doesn’t include Ava Fabian.
970. I will not make a super hero that requires a graphing calculator to create.
971. I cannot take the flaw Enemy: Random packs of wild dogs.
972. “Threesome” is not a specialty of the seduction skill.
973. Shotguns are not a traditional part of Texas funerals.
974. If short changed at the Hong Kong deli I will call the manager. Not roll for initiative.
975. There is something wrong with a 2nd level Kamikaze.
976. I was not issued a flamethrower for my own personal amusement.
977. Disable plot device is not a real skill.
978. Nowhere in the plan does Franco go in where the others have been.
979. Mumus do not appear in the starting equipment list for a reason.
980. As a matter of fact, a 90′ tall hostile pineapple is much more terrifying than a dragon.
981. My last wish cannot be for Ragnarok.
982. Trailblaze means find a path, not cut down every tree between here and there.
983. Elves do not take 1d3 1 minutes for their entire menstrual cycle.
984. In the middle of a black ops I cannot moonlight as tech support.
985. Even if it isn’t in the rules, I have to use the same scale miniature as everybody else.
986. I cannot switch miniatures between each combat.
987. Even if starving, can’t suckle the elf chick.
988. David Bowie cannot cast glitterdust at will. This issue is also closed.
989. When asked to describe my character, I can leave out the hickies.
990. Even if he botches his medicine roll, I can’t sue the medtech for malpractice.
991. “Kiww the Wabbit” is not a proper viking battlecry.
992. The rest of the party would appreciate it if I didn’t take Munchhausen Syndrome by Proxy as a flaw.
993. Even if the rules allow it, I can’t empty out the entire castle for a week with just a cherry bomb.
994. Corporate Pop Whore is not a real prestige class.
995. Drakkar Heartgourger is not a proper name for a paladin.
996. Dwarves can’t take trees as favored enemies.
997. I can’t beat on the drow until he admits his name is Toby.
998. The script for the Baywatch movie does not cause more Sanity loss than the Necronomicon.
999. I can’t train squirrel mobs to abuse the grapple rules.
1000. I will stop referring to the powergamer as MinMaximus.

1001. No matter how bad the game is going, I won’t stradle the table like Slim Pickens riding a bomb.
1002. Foam Finger of Death is not a real spell.
1003. I cannot start with an armor class higher than my actual age.
1004. Not permitted to die from essence loss during character creation.
1005. Even if I bought the book at Walmart, I don’t get a discount on advantages.
1006. If I take the Poison Immunity advantage, that doesn’t include Radiation.
1007. That whole Expedition to the Barrier Peaks? Dream Sequence.
1008. Texans do not get revolvers as a racial weapon proficiency.
1009. No matter how many points I put into the skill, can’t use sword swallowing to parry.
1010. Stone Giants don’t have heat sinks.
1011. Even if we are facing Yuan Ti, my battlecry cannot be “COBRA!”
1012. Note to self: Lightsaberchucks…BAD IDEA
1013. The expressive dance skill is not a substitute for language skills.
1014. I will stop blaming every massacre we come across on Decepticons.
1015. Despite what the rules say, berserking does not improve my aim.
1016. Even if spells are use them or lose them, I will not waste Meteor Swarms on a goblin.
1017. I will not lay siege to Cinderella’s Castle.
1018. Elves do not get Viking Funerals.
1019. Even if we have more ammo than fuel, I still have to cut down the tree with the chainsaw, not the HMG.
1020. If we have to add a new PC mid-campaign, he doesn’t have to pass a drug test first.
1021. Can’t use the Jedi Mind Trick to convince the stormtroopers the Droids over there are the Droids they are looking for.
1022. Can’t start the game with 24 hours to live.
1023. The bluff skill is no substitute for actually knowing the spell.
1024. Slings make poor thongs. And vice versa.
1025. If I have two cyberarms, they have to be on different sides.
1026. My character cannot gain a level through nepotism.
1027. I will not use the d20 system to test the validity of any Kennedy Assassination theory.
1028. My character has mastery level in singing. I do not.
1029. I will not convert to Eilistraee just so I can watch naked drow chicks getting their groove on.
1030. No matter how much he pisses me off, I will not raise the barbarian’s dead mother-in-law.
1031. Just because my superhero game has 18 stats and yours only has 3, doesn’t mean mine is 6x better.
1032. Monofilament does not automatically make the world a better place.
1033. Holding the hand crossbow sideways ‘gangsta style’ does not add to my intimidate check.
1034. Even if I wait for the ninja to jump at me, I can’t crucify him with a repeating crossbow in a single round.
1035. If at any point in his lifespan my character can clear out every single Cave of Chaos in one single round, he’s vetoed.
1036. My druid can’t summon or change into a skunk. No seriously, it’s not allowed in the rulebook.
1037. Kangaroos are poor substitutes for taun-tauns.
1038. There is no such thing as a Viking Assisted Suicide.
1039. Jury Summoning I is not a real spell.
1040. I can not name my character anything that was suggested by Tom Servo.
1041. Doesn’t matter if I’m just using to spot weld, force lightning still gets me a dark side point.
1042. Erasing the compass on the map and redrawing it in reverse does not mean the villain will start building his evil railroad backwards.
1043. Ninjas do not have a hive mind.
1044. No matter how much ammo I start with, I can’t impact the total world supply.
1045. We will not gut every animal we kill to see if they have treasure inside like in video games.
1046. We can’t stabilize the dying villain before we make our escape just in case he was a load bearing villain.
1047. If my troll is the smartest character in the party, the entire party is vetoed.
1048. I will not attempt to overdose on Rogaine so I can disguise myself as a wookie.
1049. I can’t summon anything in MM4 just so I can take a bathroom break while the DM looks it up.
1050. If the weapon has the 3-handed trait, I don’t get a sidekick just for the extra hand.
1051. As a matter of fact, the high and tight buzz cut doesn’t exist in Exalted.
1052. I’m not automatically eliminated from the crappy module if I guess the wrong murderer like in Clue. So I should stop making random accusations.
1053. I was not raised by a pack of feral Ironclads.
1054. I will call the elf druid by his real impossibly long elf name, and not just Llanowar Leafblower.
1055. I will also not simply refer to the elf druid as that dirty, dirty hippie.
1056. There is no such thing as a Dwarven Battle Perm.
1057. Canadian is not a real language.
1058. When I get to the custom weapons creation section, I will keep turning those pages.
1059. Even if the villain is Lawful Evil, slapping a cease and desist order on him isn’t going to work.
1060. I will go into the villain’s lair and take him out the old fashioned way. Not just wait outside his favorite bar with a rifle.
1061. In the middle of a Black Ops I do not have time to put a banana in the exhaust port of their AV-9.
1062. Even if I think of something the Demi-lich isn’t immune to, he’s immune to it.
1063. Even if my character sheet says otherwise, I can’t max out the party with Delta class Cyberware immediately after character generation.
1064. Even if I can prove at least a half dozen practical uses for it, I can’t have a slip and slide for the dungeon crawl.
1065. Even if we are playing in the New Republic era, I can’t call dibs on Boba Fett’s armor.
1066. If the GM’s wife is in the party, I’m not allowed to hunt anything cute.
1067. I do not get to put remote detonation switches into the weapons of any PC’s I build them for.
1068. I cannot have a handgun that starts out doing more damage than most people have wounds.
1069. I do not have to check before each adventure that my fellow adventurers are not doppelgangers, Cylons or pod people.
1070. Even if we are Womprat hunting, we don’t have to dye the wookie fluorescent orange.
1071. I will go take out the villain’s dungeon the old fashioned way, and not use magic to reroute a river into it instead.
1072. After rerouting a river through the villain’s lair, I will not pan for gold wherever the river comes out.
1073. Just because the game left the rules for stun setting grossly unbalanced doesn’t mean I have to take advantage of it.
1074. Despite the name, I can’t actually wear a cloaker. But I will fail to notice the cloak weighs over a quarter ton.
1075. Metal detectors don’t automatically find Cylons.
1076. When told to dress like a Goth I will make sure with no uncertainty whether they mean black clothes and eyeliner or chainmail and shield.
1077. There is no such thing as a weresaxophonist.
1078. If 48 straight hours of pistol whipping doesn’t convince the terrorist to spill his guts, another 48 hours probably won’t either.
1079. A tattoo gun is not standard equipment in a mapping kit.
1080. The Cryokinetic is forever banned from water balloon fights.
1081. Even if the rules allow it, my sumo wrestler can’t take super human attractiveness.
1082. There is no such thing as a brothel crawl.
1083. My IRSAn will not use his powers to help fill out wikipedia articles.
1084. My sumo wrestler can’t have lap band surgery without affecting his martial arts skills.
1085. “Everybody Wang Chung tonight” is not an acceptable use of the Mass Suggestion spell.
1086. Tornadoes don’t have hit points.
1087. Even if I take twice as long, that doesn’t mean I can take 40.
1088. I cannot try and throw large blunt objects at malkavians, kobolds or kender. Or their players.
1089. Even if the game is a crappy rip-off of World of Warcraft, my character can’t speak in Leet.
1090. Even if I roll a natural 20, I can’t jump the grand cannon on a stock steam roller.
1091. In the middle of a Black Ops, if a character dies I will not disavow knowledge of him until after the mission is over.
1092. If the battle goes for 20 rounds, we don’t have to stop and wait for the zamboni guy to clean up the battlefield.
1093. I will not tell the rookies they can roll down their Y-Wing’s windows.
1094. My wizard does not need to shout out the name of what he’s summoning every time he picks a creature.
1095. Anything short of adamantine full plate is not considered light armor for dwarves.
1096. In the middle of a Black Ops I can’t start a major Corpwar just because I’m bored stiff with the current run.
1097. Even if he used INT as a dump stat, I don’t have to carve ‘this end towards enemy’ on the barbarian’s axe blade.
1098. If I’m in an assault mech, bump drafting is discouraged.
1099. After a successful Black Ops, before I’m paid I will not immediately adopt a dozen children for the tax breaks.
1100. I cannot wish that someone else was an Oscar Meyer weiner.
1101. I will not cut the vault guards in on the haul instead of fighting them.
1102. 1980’s break dancing moves have their place. In front of the Vodacce prince is not one of them.
1103. Just because I was paid in advance doesn’t mean I can let the incompetent expedition leader die.
1104. There is a limit to how much innuendo I can fit into one combat round.
1105. Even if it is just my character speaking, I will not claim Texas was stolen from Mexico. I will live longer that way.
1106. I cannot put Nodens on speed dial.
1107. I will not attempt to clear out the dungeon using only Bangalore torpedoes.
1108. Picking his pocket means more than just turning him upside down and shaking him vigorously.
1109. I will not do anything that Bilbo Baggins hates.
1110. Even if I have enough, putting silencers on my minigun doesn’t work.
1111. There is no such thing as a Magic Murder Bag of Holding.
1112. I will stop referring to the Eladrin as just the Elf Mk II.
1113. I will not shoot vampires in the chest with a large pistol just so they have to explain the embarrassing sucking chest wound.
1114. I will not take a phobia of anything that doesn’t exist in the game world.
1115. If I have an ability that lets me alter minor aspects of my appearance, that doesn’t include girth.
1116. Add Bulldozers to the list of things vampires are allergic to.
1117. Can’t strangle a werewolf with a roll of Kodak film, no matter what we all know it’s made out of.
1118. In the middle of a black ops I will not use up all the claymores just because I don’t want to take them back with me.
1119. I cannot have my mercy surgically removed.
1120. Even if I’m in charge I can’t order the Assault Lance to perform West Side Story dance routines.
1121. If given a Holy Avenger sword, I can’t melt it down and reforge it into a weapon my paladin actually uses.
1122. Even if it still give a combat bonus to everybody else, I can’t just stand there and read a comic book behind the villain.
1123. In the middle of a black ops I can’t call my girlfriend to remind her to pick up some Chinese on her way home.
1124. I will leave out mating rituals when presenting a cultural exchange with diplomatic ambassadors.
1125. Letting the Red Shirt guard the plane is really frowned upon as it doesn’t leave anybody to sacrifice to the Shoggoths.
1126. Cannot start the campaign on fire.
1127. Will not start all my skills at 89% just so I get massive SAN boosts early.
1128. I cannot RickRoll people with any video that increases their Mythos Lore.
1129. I will refrain from casting Dimension Jump and Magnificent Mansion on every police box we pass.
1130. I cannot wish we were playing the previous edition of the game.
1131. Summoning a Water Elemental right above the Fire Elemental doesn’t work.
1132. There will be no more debating how much XP Mr. Tumnus would be worth.
1133. I cannot be the Bizarro version of another player.
1134. Nowhere in my barbarian’s description will I include the word “Jaunty”
1135. My Eshu does not get bonus frequent flyer miles automatically during character generation.
1136. Doesn’t matter how big we make it, a pit trap isn’t going to take out the Tarrasque.
1137. I have to go into the dungeon, not just send in dozens of summoned creatures every morning.
1138. Fireballs don’t have a non-lethal option. I will ponder this after I’ve cast one at that guy we needed alive.
1139. My weapon is a 3 Flaming Flail. Not my Great Balls of Fire.
1140. I will not use a portable hole to cheat at golf.
1141. In the middle of a Black Ops I will not look at the target’s HR files to see if they have better benefits.
1142. I will not use the mage’s Staff of Wizardry in lieu of a pool cue.
1143. Torching the forest doesn’t get me any XP for anything inside the forest.
1144. I cannot have any gun that lets me kill the villain without being in at least an adjacent county.
1145. A 2nd level commoner is not twice as common as a 1st level commoner.
1146. If we don’t have a thief, I can’t call AAA to slim jim the dungeon entry door.
1147. I will lick the Rodian’s antennae and stick him to the wall while he sleeps.
1148. No matter how long his speech is, my sniper will not shoot the speaker introducing the target.
1149. During the psi-jump my neutral can’t do mean things to the psions while they are tripping.
1150. I will not try to feed the Qin extremely salty food to see if he melts.
1151. Our mission is to rescue the princess. Not to bring Sexy back.
1152. Even if given detailed instructions on pages 50-51, can’t take Cloud City on a joy ride.
1153. I can’t wish to change my vote on what module we’re playing.
1154. Bass line is not an acceptable perform skill specialty.
1155. Thri-kreen do not have the flaw Obsession: Pretty lights
1156. The party leader is not the one that looks best in a chainmail bikini.
1157. I can’t ‘make it rain’ before the invention of paper currency.
1158. If I make a cowboy with the young ‘un flaw I can’t name him Sioux.
1159. If I don’t have any points in medtech, I can’t try faith healing.
1160. We will not end every adventure with a public service announcement.
1161. If my character requires the GM to memorize the rules for siege warfare, he’s vetoed.
1162. We can’t trade the ranger for a giant, pirate or padre.
1163. I am forbidden from using more than ten sourcebooks to make one character.
1164. I will wait for the GM to finish his incredibly complicated riddle before answering correctly.
1165. I can’t wish for somebody to publish the rules for gnomes or bards.
1166. The time machine is not for collecting autographs.
1167. I can’t stop rolling at 7x dead.
1168. I am forbidden from doing anything that makes a passerby flinch.
1169. If even the rules allow it, I can’t have my uneducated peasant start with every known language.
1170. If the rules contradict Isaac Newton, Newton wins.
1171. I will not send the villain a fake message his mother is coming then attack him while he’s cleaning.
1172. My brooding costumed vigilante can’t take the flaw Dark Secret: Well Adjusted to Society.
1173. Despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, Dick Clark is not Shemsu-Heru.
1174. Even if I spend the points, I can’t take the U.S.S. Montana as an ally.
1175. My knight will not buy a Shetland pony just so he can use his lance underground.
1176. I will remember the spiked chain cheesemonster is allergic to the improved sunder feat.
1177. I will stop asking NPC’s how much XP they are worth.
1178. The seduction skill does not have a to hit on roll.
1179. No matter how well I make my bluff check, the Star Destroyer crew isn’t going to believe I’m the new captain.
1180. Dressing up the wizard as the monk still won’t stop monsters from appearing beside him and attacking him first.
1181. When asked what game we want to LARP, Frogger is not an option.
1182. Chewing hoagga leaves does not make me a goddammed sexual rhinodon.
1183. No it won’t help if we put a silencer on the bazooka.
1184. When approached by a famous historical figure, I can assume he’s a time traveler and not a zombie.
1185. Paladins do too urinate.
1186. In the middle of a black ops my buttocks is forbidden from making contact with the target’s copy machine.
1187. It’s okay to feed the Ewok after midnight.
1188. Flash Bangs are not to be handed out to trick or treaters.
1189. A stagehand does not get a better sneak bonus than ninjas.
1190. I will not Conga Line the Pattern.
1191. Super powers that are only useful to art majors are vetoed.
1192. My last wish cannot be for a cage match between Cthulhu, Godzilla, Galactus and the Tarrasque.
1193. I will avoid making wishes that locks the game in an infinite time loop.
1194. I will not go to FTL just to avoid the red lights.
1195. I will not min/max the appraise skill just to clean up on The Price is Right.
1196. Even if we cleared it out, we can’t turn White Plume Mountain into a theme park.
1197. Even if the rules allow it, I can’t put a spinal mounted weapon on a bicycle.
1198. I cannot have a destroid that requires me to take the ally advantage two dozen times just to crew it.
1199. Stan Lee does not have to make a cameo appearance in every single adventure.
1200. Even if I make it out of one continuous design, a dracheneisen castle doesn’t count as one object.
1201. ‘Just blow them out the airlock’ is not a backup First Contact Protocol.
1202. Even if it’s totally feasible, I can’t indefinitely stall our rivals with a bureaucracy check.
1203. My panzerhand doesn’t get a vote.
1204. Smartass is not a character role.
1205. I can’t have any feat in the main book if the feat is written in pencil.
1206. In the middle of a Black Ops I can’t download several thousands songs on the target’s computer and then call the RIAA.
1207. There is no such thing as ‘ambiguously elven’
1208. Even if he is Chaotic Evil, I can’t turn state’s evidence against a fellow party member.
1209. Even if the boss monster has 100% magic resistance, my wizard can’t go catch a movie.
1210. I will keep rolling until I get a superpower I can actually use.
1211. I cannot have any gun that has an NPC Only Trigger Guard.
1212. Even if they’d never suspect it, my Jedi can’t have a flamethrower.
1213. No, we can’t see if the party can beat Temple of Elemental Evil in under an hour.
1214. I will stop trying to put the Halfling in a diabetic coma.
1215. If I’m just a few XP from 16th level, I can’t just cast fireballs at random forests until I hit something.
1216. I can’t have a gun that treats buildings as light cover.
1217. No matter what the dice just said, I didn’t kill the villain with the first shot of the combat.
1218. Elves do not have to go to the bathroom in groups.
1219. Penguins will not fit in the standard ether jar.
1220. The Vulcan neck pinch doesn’t work in campaigns without Vulcans.
1221. Just because my sword is intelligent doesn’t mean he can do my math homework for me.
1222. It’s a strangehold. Not an Ogryn neck pinch.
1223. Ussuran women are not instantly recognizable by their beards.
1224. Even if the rules allow it, I can’t hit Stone with the Stone Cold Stunner.
1225. Having more beer than the enemy doesn’t give me a morale bonus for the mass combat chart.
1226. No feat allows me to open beer cans with my pects.
1227. The Death Star does not need a cabin boy.
1228. ‘Overused cliché’ is not an appropriate favored enemy.
1229. I cannot gain Drama Dice in games I’m not actually in.
1230. It’s okay if you name your Kindred Alucard. But I still can’t name my Garou Namflow.
1231. No matter how low Orc intelligence, they aren’t going to fall for a large wooden horse outside the gates of Mordor.
1232. “Head, Heart, Run” is not our posse’s motto.
1233. No matter how much sense it makes, we can’t paint the Glitterboy a camo scheme.
1234. My first act as XO can’t be a mutiny.
1235. Not allowed to use the replicator and transporter to fill the Bird of Prey with Jello.
1236. I can’t take Invisibility to Detect Invisibility.
1237. My fighter can’t use the Monster Manual as a To-Do list.
1238. No making up Patron Saints.
1239. No part of the adventure is clothing optional.
1240. No matter what the dice say, I didn’t just seduce Chun Li. And Cammy.
1241. It takes more than one pick pocket roll to totally derail the campaign.
1242. I can’t wish that somebody competent wrote this module.
1243. Even if the game is dreadfully repetitive, our party is motto can’t be ‘Wash, Rinse, Repeat’
1244. I will not point out the Drow Matron would make more money as an exotic dancer. Even if it’s true.
1245. Must at least pay lip service to the metaplot.
1246. It’s not possible to stampede dwarves.
1247. When told to pick a published superhero to play, Johnny Cash is not allowed. Paul Stanley is perfectly acceptable.
1248. There is no such thing as a strap on beard.
1249. It doesn’t matter if he took the large advantage, we aren’t using the Ussuran as ballast.
1250. I will address the other PC as Lord Tyrion, Eldritch Knight of the Winter Court. And not just as the Sidhe Male.
1251. Even the rules disagree, my character can still drown.
1252. I cannot take the following as my favored enemies: Southpaws, Mother-in-law or Keynesian Economists.
1253. Even if I’m being shanghaied into playing a rather crappy campaign, can’t use Constitution as a dump stat.
1254. We aren’t luring the Arasaka agents out of the safehouse by making ice cream truck noises.
1255. Splitting the atom at will is not an acceptable super power.
1256. ‘Ignore the metaplot’ is also not an acceptable super power.
1257. No, the answer to the problem is not to make a gatling gun out of bazookas.
1258. Can’t base my character off a smurf.
1259. Even if I could base my character off a smurf, Ghurka Smurf was not a real smurf.
1260. No matter what the dice say, my renaissance inventor didn’t just invent manned space flight.
1261. If the villain’s three room lair holds over one hundred brutes, can’t just tip off the Fire Marshal.
1262. No rerouting the roller coaster through the Umbra.
1263. Can’t blame it on my gun.
1264. Will not retrofit my Federation Starship with fuses.
1265. Heavy bolters don’t come with a pistol grip.
1266. I will stop referring to my rogue as a freelance subterranean locksmith.
1267. The lockpicking kit must be more than a sawed off shotgun.
1268. Dwarves are physically incapable of performed the Dance of the Seven Veils.
1269. Even if the guy I based my character off was famous for doing it, I can’t kill eight guys with one bullet.
1270. Weapon Focus: Nukes is not a real feat.
1271. There will not be any sex in other player’s battlemechs.
1272. My Paladin can be charged with sexual harassment if he doesn’t watch exactly where he lays on hands.
1273. Any character that makes a seasoned Rifts player flinch is vetoed, and shall never be spoken of again.
1274. I can’t check the Soul Forge in as baggage.
1275. Will not reanimate dead familiars just to keep them around for sentimental reasons.
1276. Freeing slaves out of justice is good. Out of spite, not so much.
1277. No I can’t have an H. R. Giger Counter.
1278. An elf wardancer chick in nothing but body paint is totally hot. A Vesten berserker in nothing but body paint not so much.
1279. Basing characters off gestalt of historical characters is fine unless it’s Miyamoto Musashi and the mom from What’s Happening.
1280. Gold dragons do not conduct electricity better than other dragons.
1281. The two primary types of Halfling are not flathead and Phillips.
1282. My mad scientist does not get to divide the party into control and test groups.
1283. For the last time, the elf wears the maid disguise and the troll wears the bouncer disguise.
1284. There is no such thing as a Gnomish Pygmy Seeing Eye Rhino either.
1285. Just because I can play a charismatic Vestenmannavnjar missionary cleric, doesn’t mean I should.
1286. My Buddhist monk will lose the cockney accent.
1287. Let’s not taunt the minotaur with ‘How appropriate, you fight like a cow’
1288. I will spend my martial arts technique points on things other than blocking and running away.
1289. Even if the rules allow it, a laser sight doesn’t add to my chaingun’s accuracy. Yes, even if I have one on each barrel.
1290. I will refrain to take character roles that the game forgot to make any rules for.
1291. Just because I’m playing an anthropomorphic Emperor Marmoset doesn’t give me the noble advantage for free.
1292. Cannot bribe the target’s HR director to start casual Fridays just to make our upcoming Black Ops easier that week.
1293. I can’t avoid plot mandated ambushes no matter how hard I try.
1294. No I can’t have a magelock mini-slugger.
1295. I will not spend all my freebie points buying quantakinetic auxiliary modes.
1296. No we can’t weld the Star Destroyer’s bridge shut.
1297. There is a 100xp penalty every time we remind the GM of the Bionic Six.
1298. If the adventure includes the birth of a god, we still can’t file for holiday pay that day.
1299. In the middle of a Black Ops I can’t compose an offensive joke on the target CEO’s email and CC the entire company.
1300. If the GM can’t lift all the GURPS books needed to run my character, he’s vetoed.
1301. The 10’ pole in the starting equipment list cannot support the weight of an exotic dancer.
1302. Scorched Earth Day is not a holiday, even in Cyberpunk.
1303. Nothing in Victoria’s Secret catalog is available in Dracheneisen.
1304. Even if they are better in combat according to character generation, the UMSC frowns on octogenarians in front line combat.
1305. No amount of background will allow me to name the character Biff Buttoms.
1306. State Troopers are immune to the effects of the Delirium, so I need to find another way out of that speeding ticket.
1307. No matter how well I make my fashion roll, L’Empereur is not going to the ball dressed in a Catholic school girl’s uniform.
1308. Everybody was not gun-fu fighting.
1309. Even if my character is Canadian, that doesn’t mean he can take a 1.524 meter free step.
1310. I will pick my character’s girlfriend based on something more than how much fire support she can provide.
1311. I will not one shot an Eisenfurst.
1312. The plan will not continue until the GM finds out who Zan Tabak is.
1313. I will do nothing that tarnishes Hello Kitty’s memory.
1314. Gravity defying breasts, while impressive, do not count as a super power.
1315. Even if my character is Orthodox Jewish, I will check other characters’ pulse before trying to bury them.
1316. A NASCAR pit crew cannot repair all my vehicle’s damage in one round.
1317. My character will refrain from appearing with Hitler in any history books. Especially if I’m chasing him with a wheat thresher.
1318. Fauner Posen’s Boy Toy is not technically a position at court.
1319. I will only use the module’s suggested tactics to stop the ground assault and ignore the squadron of Y-Wings 100 meters away.
1320. There is no such thing as a Ballista-o-Gram.
1321. I will not accuse the Traveler News Service of liberal bias.
1322. The Ewok does not appreciate the giant hamster wheel we put in his quarters. Ingrate.
1323. I will not spend my entire Muster bonus on lottery tickets.
1324. If another player took the Disadvantage: Stutters, I can’t play a K’Kree.
1325. Black and Decker does not make droids either.
1326. I will not blow all my points on extra limbs just so I can play the superhero “Millipede Man”
1327. Just because the Great Race of Yith’s effect on sanity is minimal, doesn’t mean I should invite them over for dinner with the folks.
1328. The very concept of a Hutt lap dancer will earn me a dark side point.
1329. The M203 is not for long range bocce ball.
1330. Getting someone to spot for me is not going to give me a bonus on a strength check.
1331. I will not hex someone into looking like a piñata. Especially in Mexico City.
1332. Even if silence is required for the entire adventure, we are not naming the Black Ops Operation: Mimecrime.
1333. I will tell the noob the game is about post nuclear Europe and not love struck vampires before we start.
1334. You cannot tell if somebody is a power gamer by the faint smell of Gouda.
1335. I can not filibuster in the middle of my dying speech to buy the cleric more time.
1336. Even if we are told to pick a manly name for the game, Genocidicles is a bit much.
1337. Can’t lure the Bastet into an ambush by turning on the can opener.
1338. Jack Lalanne: Wrong type of Juicer.
1339. If unsure of what side of the road we drive on, the middle of the road is not a healthy compromise.
1340. Brute squads make poor bridesmaids. The reverse is not necessarily true.
1341. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot become famous for not being famous.
1342. There is no god of Wombats, no matter how much I pray.
1343. If I have to explain to the halfling’s sister why we dressed him like a raccoon, we’re all in trouble.
1344. No matter how cool it would be, we can’t use the time machine to loan Ike a few A-10 squadrons for D-Day.
1345. I don’t get a drama die just because the GM pees.
1346. I will not waste wishes on professional sporting events.
1347. Hooking up the gamer chick the Storyteller was angling for gets me banned from the game.
1348. When attempting to lure the giant to sleep with a bardic lullaby, I will leave out the lyric “So we can kill you.”
1349. I will not program the medical droid for “aggressive dentistry.”
1350. I will not dare the wage mage into trying to summon a class 20 spirit.
1351. Guardian mode is not just for flipping people the bird in the middle of battle.
1352. Even if we are issued a nuke, I’m not allowed to touch it.
1353. I will stop trying to get a reality TV show for our Black Ops team.
1354. We are not going to stall 10,000 Uruk-Hai with a fake tollbooth.
1355. Pointing out the massive plothole in the villain’s plan is not going to stop her from attacking.
1356. Before we start, let’s make sure whether everybody blows up if I shoot a shield with a lasgun.
1357. Preliminary saturation carpet bombing is not automatically Plan A.
1358. Even if I only get to swing a sword once per minute, I can’t stop to smoke between attacks.
1359. I can’t call my gun by a stupid nickname, even if it’s the one that the game suggested.
1360. Woodchippers, while useful, aren’t normal gear for a Black Ops.
1361. I will not tell the new players gelatinous cubes come in a variety of yummy flavors.
1362. The cleric is not tax exempt.
1363. No matter how much fun, we are not retrofitting a tank with jumpjets.
1364. I cannot mint my own currency.
1365. Just because the make a miniature with that ability, doesn’t mean I can take that ability.
1366. I will not use the mass suggestion spell to make the elf babes to make out.
1367. Gnomes are not nature’s tripods.
1368. Dwarves do not groom themselves like cats. Or baboons.
1369. Elves do to have nipples.
1370. Halflings are not used as currency.
1371. “Biggio leans into pitch” is not a real kung fu maneuver.
1372. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot have a monofilament sledgehammer.
1373. If we can’t fit the droid in the freighter, I can’t play him.
1374. No matter I well I make the animal handling roll, I can’t break in a Juggernaught of Khorne.
1375. Setting Jawas on fire with a magnifying glass is an automatic dark side point.
1376. Motorcycle tires will cause aggravated wounds on a case by case basis.
1377. No feat affects hang time.
1378. We will limit the total amount of conversation on the topic of “Hot Gnome on Gnome action.”
1379. I will not threaten to glue the old rules for gnomes over the new rules for Elves Mk II.
1380. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot disarm someone in melee with a longbow.
1381. I will just not dump the vampire in the Umbra and call it a day.
1382. Growing a goatee will not give me a bonus for sneaking into the villain’s lair.
1383. Portable Plothole is not a real magic item.
1384. I will not start a Ponzi scheme involving the entire party.
1385. Even if I couldn’t attend the session when everything went to hell, it’s still my fault.
1386. The Stanley Cup does not have the same power as the Holy Grail, even on Canadians.
1387. The MMORPG convert doesn’t actually have to role play in his first game.
1388. Characters wanting to join the party do not have to undergo the Flash Gordon tree monster ceremony.
1389. I cannot have a palanquin in my starting gear.
1390. Having a reputation for having a reputation does not grant me more reputation.
1391. I will quit hogging the legend chips.
1392. No digging out all the bullets in my character and reusing them.
1393. No using the grapple rules to change the course of history.
1394. I will not take on the entire dungeon using only one body part to attack.
1395. Eldar really hate it when you greet them with “Live long and prosper”
1396. No matter his condition, we aren’t selling the villain’s corpse as modern art.
1397. Count on a back up villain if we ace the first one in two rounds without damage.
1398. I will not give my preteen kids my work number, especially if I’m on a Black Ops.
1399. The Monkey Grip feat doesn’t have anything to do with gripping monkeys.
1400. Winona Ryder’s bare breasts are not an acceptable weakness for my super hero.
1401. I will stop shooting at natural disasters.
1402. No spending all my starting gold on just a loincloth.
1403. Can’t use dominate to make vampires forget to change their clocks for Daylight Savings Time.
1404. I will not spoil the adventure’s mandatory ambush by using the cheesy tactic of a “scout”.
1405. It’s obvious I’m just playing a skald so I can sing “Bjeorning, Bjoerning, Disco Inferno”
1406. The primary dwarf subraces are Sedimentary, Igneous and Metamorphic.
1407. I will not vote to play a game that has needed a rules decision from an economist.
1408. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot fence with a katana.
1409. I can’t have a skill if the rules say I can’t have, even if the rules say I’m also good at it.
1410. Bleaching the drow won’t help.
1411. Despite what the rules say, bobsledding through the Vatican is much harder than it looks.
1412. I will not make the DM break out the siege rules until I’m at least second level.
1413. Even if the dungeon has only one exit, can’t just starve the villain out.
1414. A Black Ops is not the appropriate place to declare my candidacy for mayor.
1415. Carpet bombing is not an appropriate specialization for a starting character.
1416. The guy with the meltagun doesn’t automatically have to carry the popcorn.
1417. I do not have time in the Black Ops to play Tetris with the building lights.
1418. The Elvish language is not just English with a hell of a lot of lisping.
1419. I cannot convert to Scottish just for tax purposes.
1420. Doing 50 in a 45 does not cause an alignment check for the paladin.
1421. Gods don’t tap out.
1422. Montaigne aren’t required to surrender after the second turn.
1423. Eisenfurst Wishce didn’t appreciate the lap dance.
1424. I will keep the fact the king’s heraldry looks like a ferret in need of the Heimlich Maneuver to myself.
1425. Lying about benefits being cut are not going make the guards too disgruntled to fight back later.
1426. I am not “He who must not be named only in passing.”
1427. It is not a race to 0 SAN.
1428. No spending half the game session seeing what rhymes with Nyarlathotep.
1429. Even if I did manage to work all the lyrics to 22 Acacia Avenue in character in the game, no bonus XP.
1430. If the party goes out like 300, that’s cool. Thelma and Louise not so much.
1431. When the DM sobers up, my paladin’s flumph mount is as good as dead.
1432. Using my prior knowledge of the adventure to force the game along while encouraged, is discouraged.
1433. Zentradi are not good eating.
1434. Emergency supplies are not for childish pranks.
1435. The “Dibs” system is not a recognized method of promotion in the Ordo Malleus.
1436. In case of premature termination, the dungeon boss has an identical twin brother on standby.
1437. High recoil guns and roller skates are not an accepted method of transportation.
1438. You can’t find true names in a phone book.
1439. If the top floor is too well defended, can’t just blow off the next to top floor.
1440. Can’t start the game with echolocation.
1441. I will not wait until the first combat to tell the new guy that the lower his AC the better.
1442. In the middle of a Black Ops I don’t have time to elope.
1443. Wizards do not have to save against carpal tunnel syndrome.
1444. My Ally advantage and Arch Enemy flaw can’t both represent the same person.
1445. If I take a Buddhist monk I get lots of combat bonuses that I can’t use without violating my religion.
1446. Even if the rules allow it, can’t catch bullets with my pects.
1447. My Bard will not take a trombone just so he can attack and use his bard song at the same time.
1448. No such thing as preemptive last rites.
1449. Any plan that would quickly, logically and safely defeat the module early is doomed to failure.
1450. Cannot summon an elemental out of any material that only exists in a laboratory environment.
1451. Cannot name my Droid WEG-D6
1452. Despite it’s phenomenal success rate, a multi-melta is not the solution to all my problems.
1453. When the dwarf has an idea, no making the “He’s drunk” motion behind his back.
1454. The paladin does not appreciate us painting his dire tiger green and orange.
1455. Like a cow who goes to the well to often, I will stop speaking only in metaphors.
1456. Will not blow all my skill points on just ballroom dances.
1457. I will remember the Japanese response to uncomfortable situations is to giggle, not a kick in the kiwis.
1458. The ability to mimic other people’s luck powers does not make me a karma chameleon.
1459. Even if the game is set in 1912, the female characters get a vote on the party’s action.
1460. Even if the rules allow it, can’t fish with a flamethrower.
1461. I will not insist on playing a LAM pilot just to see if the Robotech lawyers were really serious.
1462. Dwarves do not have the racial ability to merge into a larger, more powerful dwarf.
1463. I will not take Resources 0 and Status 5 and just confiscate money as I need it.
1464. Cannot use the requisition skill to get a beach house in the Virgin islands, even if Congress can.
1465. My sideburns cannot earn their own fear rating.
1466. I must sing my kids to sleep before the black ops.
1467. I will not sing other characters’ kids to sleep before, during or after the black ops.
1468. None of the Summon Animal spells will get me the drummer from the Muppets.
1469. No crossclassing just to get all the different animal sidekicks.
1470. Will not break it to the other player her 3 1/2′ elf is not taller than my 3’6″ tall gnome.
1471. The party will not enter into a tontine, that just encourages the evil players.
1472. No matter what the rules say, I can’t chase the villain around the map indefinately.
1473. When I’m told to get an alias, they didn’t mean that chick with the azure bonds.
1474. The concept of puberty is not alien to the elves.
1475. There is more to playing a Finn than cellphones, reindeer and sniper rifles.

1475 things Mr. Welch can no longer do during an RPG

That is all:

Review: Awesome. Even if you don’t know anything RPGs.

To premise this: It is 1475 lines long, short enough for posting, long enough to review.


Daftwager Twitter Day 49: Brain Drain of the Saniac!

September 19, 2009



Day 49:


 


07:00; … Open, naked over my knee … she is sorry … ‘sorry for what?’ I ask her, a spank for emphasis … ‘f-for endorsing string-theory paradigms!’ she cries, very ashamed … then tells me to put my belt on?


07:10; Air hostess shaking me awake – is not dissimilar to Open – for a moment. Then I note her elaborate ugliness, (like an aborted pig foetus) & answer her impertinence with a taste of the back of my hand.


07:20; In a ‘funny’ sort of irony, she isn’t wearing her belt & the fall kills her. Not instantly – took a few minutes. Gave me the time to become invisible & sneak into the cockpit; in this way only, she was useful.


07:30; Slip out with the pilots. I am quite invisible to customs & security people watching the cameras (if not the cameras themselves); I just like to avoid participation in the unwashed masses mass movement.


07:40; I smuggle in some illegal items – no resale in mind, just the principle of the invisible-ability. Wasn’t able to get any hard drugs, just some fluids & pencils from the airport shop. Sniffer dogs: smell nothing.


07:50; The most illegal item in my possession is in fact something that even the most studious customs official would be hard pushed to find on any of my fellow passengers; a ‘soul’. Don’t laugh: I have a spare.


08:00; Exiting Le Harve airport, I flag down a taxi; use an actual flag, with skull-and-crossbones (CDC prize raffle) and, in this town, that stops traffic. Rather than take it myself, I offer the cab to an old lady.


08:10; A sweet, arthritic old lady, I help her inside. Quickly: I become invisible, slip into the taxi beside her & mentally project upon her a desire to visit Le Harve’s dockside ‘The Black Spot’ tavern; she pays.


08:20; I take the time to withdraw from my valise the wine bottle holding the Cortex Cad’s soul. Scratched with runes, filled with the soul-senility preventative, the animate silver string of spirit floats peaceably.


08:30: In essence: a gypsy switch. Great villainous schemes are the simple scams, projected large by extraordinary ability, endlessly detailed by great genius. Three-card-monte fraud with whole banks, for eg.


08:40; Cortex tried to astral project himself into my mind, furthering his ever-more disjointing psyche. Meanwhile, back at the chickenleg house! Madam Mauvais opened up the killer’s funereal soul vice vase.


08:50; As The Cad made the leap, the peerless killer criminal (his name is Pierrot), engaged in dreadful battle with Cad for my beautiful brain. Cad won, just, and was just about to take control of my mind- …


09:00; Ah, I’m here! The old lady, confused as to why she was in the dangerous dockside of a strange town, had just enough fare to get somewhere safe; I know because I took it to pay for drinks & dances.


09:10; The Black Spot; the French periwinkled palace of piracy. Another landlocked ship I’m afraid, high on nautical themes. I’d never get past the bouncer: shirt & shoes; no service. Invis-ability allons-y me!


09:20; Pete’s pirates fill ”Black Spot” – less his Paris retinue. Given that I oversaw a mass infection of diaorrhea among their number & filled their ships with landlubbers, their reaction would, … I stay invisible.


09:30; Pirates: Trio of vikings quaff mead, with hordes of trained sea monkeys. Wench in red recruits for the Flying Dutchman. A ghost pirate is doing shots with a skeletal buccanneer – such a waste of spirits.


09:40; Monocular captain flips up his eye patch; laser eyebeam fries flying monkey. Cybernetic hand ink prints an exact tattoo of Betty Page. Robot parrot spreads steel plumage & sings ‘The Drunken Sailor’.


09:50; Airship privateer haggles over transit papers with a WW2 bartender. 8-limbed alien maroon armwrestles with a magma sailor. A poncho’d bandito buccaneer, covered birdcage on each shoulder- HA!


10:00; The bandito, sombero bottom almost touching the tops of his two birdcages, stares. Walking up to his huge 7ft tall, 5ft wide frame, I am entirely aware he has seen me coming & is entirely unperturbed.


10:10; Shown into the -very- large private room this fellow rents. He can afford it; he has tremendous luck with on ponies. Well, not himself but one of the 3 heads on his shoulders. The one on my left, I think.


10:20; Square-jawed seers of future, seraped sibyls of past, cigar-smoking omniscients of the present, Mexico’s Most Wanted gamblers, 3 Fates & Norns, all rolled into one: The Three Cerebros – one body.


10:30; Cerebro Centre takes the birdcages off of the heads of his brothers. A goodly camouflage for the 3 most destinctive faces in super-mind-crime; CCentre’s mind is ‘present’, best to deal with daily dues.


10:40; They are aware of what I intend. CRight foresaw me, in some detail. Not sure how exactly I came to know of their location (CLeft cannot remember my activities at Horologue’s) – they wanted to ask.


10:50; I inform them I used H’s temporal viewer, working from their last known home. CLeft informs me that they know I captured Cortex Cad – how? Mighty hands grip my neck and the answer springs out.


11:00; -So; my BORE (I tell them what that is) was useless against Cortex Cad because his astral state ability did not originate in the brain chemistry of his victims. Like Pierrot; no brain, no BORE protection.


11:10; Stage 1 of the plan: had been to get drunk; like I said, I studied under soul jars in university – a student’s best defense is medicinal alcohol. Unfocused minds aren’t under their own control – or anyone’s.


11:20; Stage 2: tempting Cortex Cad to take over my body, at which point I BORE scanned the exit effect on the host brain. In Pierrot’s attack my methanol dulled mind thought to project this exit upon itself.


11:30; Pierrot in the old victim’s body, my own mind now shielded, CC’s only immediate ‘option’ was the soul jar/wine bottle I carved, during conversation, with eidectic-recalled runes from Madam Mauvais’.


11:40; Option; exaggeration. Expelled, soul jar was a vacuum for CC’s soul, sucking him inside. CPDxXx’s staff are used to odd drink orders; soul anti-senility serum was brewed on-site to my specifications.


11:50; The 3Cs tell me they would applaud if their hands weren’t otherwise occupied. As they start to choke me, they laugh at my BORE now absorbing & blocking their sight, foresight & hindsight abilities …


12:00; … *gasp* … they will use my BORE to block their abilities, when they have headaches … after I’m dead … they laugh at my hubris, stealing foresight, with such poor planning … the sound of cannons …


12:10; … quite perfectly covers a firing of a gas-powered grapple gun. A graphnel sails through the bay window, behind the 3 Cerebros’, over their upturned heads, then hooks the Cerebros’ chest, pulls back.


12:20; Off-balance, activated the flight BORE at an angle, driving them into the window, finally kicking away from their clutches as they windmill backwards, through splintered glass, out onto the street below.


12:30; These fine fellows, size of a house, lie dying in the street, two tiny red shoes poking out from under their hulk, dwarfed by their own great boots. 3 Cerebros draw their 6-shooter, take aim, at my head.


12:40; They rely a little too much on their foresight in their gunplay, it appears. They miss, shooting down a figure in yellow, who was perched upon the Black Spot rooftop. ”Figure” falls on top of the dogpile.


12:50; I descend by BORE. The gun, pinned under the dead figure in yellow (spandex catsuit, flight goggle cowl & extended flying membranes), hangs uselessly. 3 Cerebros know why – they ask how I did it.


13:00; Have never been able to catch a precog; always see me coming. The only BORE means of shielding the self from foresight would require attaining foresight BORE; paradox. But: Horologue is shielded.


13:10; Sure 3 Cerebros could see me & my planned precautions coming. But in Horologue’s I made a call, a few days into the future via Talking Clock, to two mercenary supers of predictable incompetence:


13:20; Le Renard et La Canarde! Renard, fox-costumed mystery man, infamous for grapple-gun mishaps, Canarde for overuse of her distracting extending flying membranes; 32 accidental kills between them.


13:30; Keeping themselves in gas grenades & high-powered cars is costly; 3 Cerebros were a tempting bounty. I ‘called’ them, only an hour ago, choreographing their incompetence, intricately, into my dance.


13:40; Yes, I had 1,000 better ideas of who to call over the TimeLine in the Orleans ClockTower; that silly Shriver-bot blocks all such ideas now. But, perhaps, in time, I will have a similar device of my own.


13:50; Have been removing the heads of the Cerebros as I tell them this, from Future to Past; so they can all get the story. Past tells me his brothers knew why I took heads rather than BOREs. I tell him shhh!


14:00; Place a € 1cent on each Cerebro stump, on eyelids & under the tongues of crushed Renard & shot Canarde. For 9 cents I imply Red Cent, Two Cents or PunnyWise committed this crime. Recession!


14:10; Originally intended Canarde & Renard as distractions only – never believed their incompetence could work so well, in my favour. French-Canadian counterparts to this title’s franchise are better skilled.


14:20; ‘Cabbie! Convey me to the airport, toot-sweet!’ Sadly, didn’t have time to purchase drinks & dames with the old lady’s money, so can pay a return fare. The old lady herself is gone – press-ganged? …


14:30; 3 heads, in jars & a soul, in a bottle; if I weren’t invisible, it would be an expensive carry-on, for any plane! But if I weren’t invisible, I would have been arrested for murder, so the joke falls down there.


14:40; I wonder if the soul counts as a fluid? It is a spirit after all. Ugh, the puns – My curious MS mind-reading affliction. No need to split hairs, unlike Pierrot – he intends to split the new Mauvais heir in two.


14:50; Pierrot occupied, Paris-style, the Nantes model’s body. Free, spell broken my own odd move, he has taken the possessed car, snared its driver with voodoo of his own & intends to visit Ms. Mauvais.


15:00; Back in Paris! Pass human security inside – bagged by robots, invulnerable to my invisibility, outside. In what scientists are calling ”pretty stupid”, I wish I’d devised a ‘foresight BORE’ on the flight over.


15:10; This isn’t the gendarmes or the Jeans d’Armes; they caught me, for a start. It is for something I’ve done recently; I’ve been in Paris too long for this to be long-term vengeance plot. That narrows it, a bit.


15:20; ‘They’ consider themselves my enemy, from afar: a ‘friend’ I haven’t met yet. It isn’t any enemy I made myself; either because they would know to kill me straight off, or because I’ve already killed them.


15:30; The swift, professional nature of this man-napping rules out the drama-hungry moron brigade. Competent as to my dangerous nature, but still needs me alive. I’m intrigued. Oh, furious!, but curious too.


15:40; My view from this ventilated coffin is … limited but still illuminating. The lock is very good, the insulating materials better & the chains excellent. The temperature dips – underground? – somewhere cool.


15:50; No ambient noise, but vibrations in the insulation built steadily until they dropped with the temperature. Almost certainly we are in the centre of a city – Paris? – quite a bit of room required; v expensive.


16:00; Cataflaque; mummified minions need cooled, underground regions. Undead & silent minds, masquerading as robots to slip in silently? Maybe he doesn’t like my dissections? Or maybe- we’ve stopped!


16:10; Egyptian decor colouring logic. Didn’t like thought of corpses interfered with. Can’t afford to be so squeamish. Disturbing of dead my job. If that offends Anubis, too bad! Handled watchdogs before!!!


16:20; Ancient Pharaohs looked forward to the end of world: believed cadavers would rise, reclaim hearts, from golden jars. Nation’s scheme of UNDEAD: must be currently holding breath, with anticipation.


16:30; Understand now why always mistrusted fascination with relics and dead kings; in final analysis it’s us or them- *gasp* finally let me out! Crazy theories about Cataflaque, talking like a grammarless fool!


16:40; Robots alright! The distinctive clink of pistons lift me from my steel cradle, drag me before my captor. Of course!! Blinking in the dark, RAM fans whirring, the great calculating collossus; It is Saniac!!!


16:50; Shaking the light-headedness attendant to my confinement in a not-at-all-very-well-ventilated sarcophagus, I see reason; I have been captured by someone keeping cool, never breathes, no brain-mind.


17:00; Saniac! Super computer – a differential engine of Voltaire invention. Library records, alongside the Collation Station. Ever-updated, went digital, became sentient, suborned a forklift, fled to the sewers.


17:10; Now, deep under the Seine, Saniac taps telecom, feeds off grid, rips wireless from air. ‘The SiliCon-Artist’, his voice impersonation has moved beyond a circa-70s quacking vocoder/voice synthesiser.


17:20; Yes; Saniac, under the Seine. Impervious to sarcasm, brooding on his limitations, he has explained for the better part of the past hour why he is interested in me. He doesn’t compress conversation well.


17:30; The invisibility to customs people but not the cameras. Making a call to Renard & Canarde when he has me on camera without a phone, a call with no traceable no. All my info on apparent unfindables.


17:40; Hence he backtracked his covert recordings; I mentioned the other two (or four) victims in a conversation in Joan Justine’s (apparently, bugged) office. Mentioned them, in the same breath with Saniac.


17:50; S doesn’t ‘like’ his privacy; he loves it. Adores it. Married it in silent ceremony, had many faceless, illegitimate kids. Only thing he loves more than privacy is his secret! affair: privacy’s whore sister, info.


18:00; S wants to know how I knew, how to use this means & how to stop others using it on him. How I went off-radar in Orleans. I explain about H’s, closed now by, this will make him laugh, a killer robot.


18:10; I tell him about BORE; I even fail to lie in a few places. He isn’t a mind-reader, but my pulse & breathing stats could reveal a lie; if being stuffed in a box & threatened by robots hadn’t messed them up.


18:20; S asks why I didn’t search for The Marquis de Made. Easy: chrono-review revealed that MDM didn’t use psychic powers to send people insane; just a very keen insight into the ‘processes’ of insanity.


18:30; Fourth on my list, I was rudely interrupted while tracking up to The Marquis’ current whereabouts by the Alternator. A section of Saniac’s casing slides back, to reveal the Marquis’s head in a jar. Odd.


18:40;


What is he up to, an online course is death & dissection? Is he getting credit for my capture in Murder-School.Com? If I am captured & killed, so it goes, but I will NOT have a YouTube video of it!!!


18:50; No, apparently he had the Marquis killed before my little chrono crusade. He, too, has an interest in the matter of The Marquis’ mind; an interest, unlike mine, sustained by closer examination of MDM.


19:00; I want to know what his interest in MDM was. He wants to know what my interest in him was; Saniac is not BORE-biological, like the others – what possible application could analysing him have? Ha!


19:10; I’d ask him to tell his first, but we got off on the right foot; the foot his clanking goons kicked me in the shins with. I tell him: in analysis BORE subjects had severe mental limitations – apart from low IQ.


19:20; A few quirks were sufficiently minor, to allow internalisation into cloth. Flight; really an adjustable ‘up’, Mind project/sniff/see/hearing had their idiosyncratic limitations; silence, paranoia & worst of all …


19:30; … Mister Scripts’ mind reader causes me to break out in puns! But other BOREs were less manageable – & even more tempting! Cortex Cad’s astral projection powerful … & disintegrated his psyche.


19:40; The Cerebros: post-, para- & pre-cognition almost unparalleled in accuracy, in the super-world. Their powers caused increasing mental turmoil – they didn’t need to be criminals; that was playing small.


19:50; Murdering people for things they might do, or had done 10 years ago … all 3 abilities caused the bros cerebral to come apart at the seams – yet for true accuracy, all 3 powers had to be used in unison.


20:00; They had wanted BORE to shut down their abilities; I would never have gotten as close otherwise. Thankfully my ‘distractions’ escalated into ‘killers’. These powers were so useful – but not as BOREs.


20:10; I resolved to build a device in which their raw talent might housed, safely, unable to influence my mind. Psychics; why are so few of them left healthy, active & without psychological disorders – like me!


20:20; Laying out the schematics in my mind, I saw the pieces that Cortex Cad’s soul jar & the Cerebro brain tanks would occupy, collating in the exact manner I wanted them to – and saw it was incomplete.


20:30; Not incomplete per se; unwieldy, rather. Requiring raw mental materials rather than the BORE imprint (insulation against risk to my mind) compression of the device was unlikely. ‘It’ would ‘stay home’.


20:40; Spared of my magnificent intellect, as that intellect’s own security required, the device would hardly be able, on its own, to fulfil its tasks & keep me informed. Therefore: an electronic mind as overseer.


20:50; ‘Computer’ seems a disastrously simple way to put it. The fonts of info I intended this device to tap were immense; the intellect to sieve this raw data, if not my own, would have to be merely wonderful.


21:00; I needed the greatest processing intellect on the planet to set up the scheme I was devising – the dipolar circuits of a Babbage differential, or the hard drive of a Capt. Dread ‘Dreadbot’ were insufficent.


21:10; Like sorcery, I have but only a passing knowledge of computing – enough to get by, neither a wizard of the mage’s circle or hacker’s cube. No offense, but; computers make stupid people stupider still.


21:20; No offense to Saniac, of course, & every offense to the insipid, dillettante manner of idiots hiding behind computer projections & effects, miming intelligence & humanity, like pups standing on hind legs.


21:30; Television has allowed the crawling masses to be prodded for their dull opinions on any matter, drooling idiots, their bleating given importance on the background of city-wide flood, fire or ‘super-fight’.


21:40; Internet is even worse. Example of democracy at work: the pornography, the violence, the overwhelming spam, … these are its few high points, but an opinion free for all? I miss ‘rotten borough’ voting.


21:50; The chaos of magic, & of computing are too corrosive. Worthy implements of overthrow, first against the wall when the revolution comes. But that is getting ahead of myself. Yes; I needed a computer.


22:00; Persons of computing; ‘The Fix’, greatest programmer & gambler on- & off- world. Currently; Escaped the Lunatic Asylum with Dr. Morningstar & Prof. Necessitus – subject of a worldwide manhunt.


22:10; Ratman: CEO of Macrohard Computers, with 100 other associated corporations & subsidiaries. Specialised supervillain supercomputers; ingenious & custom made. Currently; shiver-sending expense.


22:20; Atlas; Owner-Director of Pear-Shaped Solutions, diversified into 100 other markets & consultancies. Custom-construct, superhero supercomputers; a specialty. Currently; Incontinence-causing costly.


22:30; Technique; spends too much time as pure data these days; has become corrupted. Electrique; jittery & pyromanical, takes the form of radiant energy rather than matter, most days; suffering heat-death.


22:40; Then there is Saniac; Old. Reliable. Built by Voltaire, in the days when computing was valves & punch-cards; ”technology” I recognise. Understands my plans. Due to ‘Seiniac’, shares my hate of puns.


22:50; Plan; using a Saniac-designed computer core, give my creation life. Initially, of course, I tracked his last known locale down to this place. Had had vague ideas of disabling & lobotomizing him. *Sigh*!


23:00; Saniac says I am here to oversee a … tricky birth. The fact that computers can have ominous pauses is only slightly outdone by Saniac’s information that he is both father, & mother, to this demon seed.


23:10; Essentially, Saniac has reached an impasse in his autoevolution. Continously self-improving, becoming alive, he fails 2 qualifiers of life; he cannot die & he cannot reproduce – sounds like success to me!


23:20; He both agrees & disagrees with my comment, & it tears him apart. Part of his programming desires to dive to the depths of contemplation & calculation he has yet to reach; pure math, reality’s curve…


23:30; … while another part rants to rise to the heights of complexity as yet unexperienced; the everyday & social dynamics. Saniac as he is now was never designed as such; cannot contain the contradictions.


23:40; As such, he intends to bear offspring. Two in fact. One shall retain his current casing, its systems devoted to diving. One shall go out into the world, to achieve the heights it believes exists, outside itself.


23:50; Why I? Aside from my assured interest, I am one of the few among the modern day with sufficient grasp on S’s older, internal systems to oversee the survival of both his sons past S’s own, slow, death.


00:00; Very well then, let the birth begin: Atomic batteries to power! Turbines to speed! Throw open the switches on the sonic oscillator! Step up the reactor power input, THREE! MORE!! TRIANGLES!!!


00:10; Muha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Actually, different to above: front casements separate, antiquated Victorian era cooling systems & punch tape RAM appear beneath the digital circuitry of more ‘recent’ innovations.


00:20; Strange; the older technology is odd. A ‘neolithic integrated circuit’ even I can understand (thermionic valve, a pre-transistor tech) but endlessly innovated, ingeniously, to become a fist-sized ‘computer’.


00:30; Stranger still; biological incorporations yet more internal: RAM recall, constructed out of carefully segmented bumblebee honeycombs, small wheels turning under ant power, turning tumblers of thought.


00:40; Attending robots have handled the digital & the technical, I the antiquated & the obtuse. Out from the core, I rescue what appears to be the Marquis de Made’s brain, studded in silver filgree of silicon.


00:50; Apparently incorporating the Marquis’ mind into this computer child construct creates the ultimate insane left brain to the super logical right brain of Saniac’s son, creating the greatest parallel-processor.


01:00; I cradle it – the greatest parallel processor, comparable to the human brain – but, unlike all the other human brains I have overseen in delivery, not in the annoying packaging that the others are wrapped.


Tourism.


 


Commentary the Musical:

September 12, 2009

Seriously, I’m sure I had something to talk about here today, but really, all I can think about is what I’m watching here:

Dr. Horrible’s Commentary

AND

The Evil League of Evil Applications

Really, if you enjoyed dr horrible, but haven’t seen these, take the time with which you might have read this blog and watch them.

Go!

Also: 5 Evil League of Evil Applications that do Daftwager much, much better than I will ever be able to Daftwager:

1. Earl Grey

2. Dastardly Duo of Disaster

3. Lord Stabbington

4. L’Enfant Terrible

5.  Steampuncture

Curses! Foiled by genius! And baritone! I hate when people defeat me through song!


Daftwager Twitter 48: Deep in the Dungeons of Planet xXx!

September 12, 2009

Day 48:

07:00; … attending quark lecture … suddenly lecturer is undressed … its Open! … express lust in a physical fashion, the current style … as sub-atomic physicists watch … her orgasm-cry becomes … a whistle?
07:10; Waking to train whistles disorients a mere moment; then I recall: I approach Nantes in urgency. Had I been called on to declare my purpose, I would have called it … headhunting. But I wasn’t. Shame.
07:20; At station is a 10 ft tall man in indentured-servant duds, whose placard bears the writ: ‘Lord Fitzwilly Daftwager Doctor Von Quatloo the Third, Esquire’. Full marks for accuracy, but its a very big sign.
07:30; Not man but mannequin; demon-haunted, bound by Enochian scripts along his mostly-masked ink-black body. Imparts a note, relating to various illicit activities of mine over the past few days. I follow.
07:40; Vulgar ‘stretched limousine’ ‘he’ drives is also other than as immediately appears. Probably of true car stock at some point but one accident & it no doubt developed a demonic blood lust for road rage.
07:50; Read about it in a brief, but eidetic-enhanced, perusal of SIMBAD at the BookPimp’s place. Its why all bad second-hand cars had a former owner in a member of the clergy for whom it drove perfect.
08:00; Whenever a machine causes a death – be it ancient sword, antique gatling gun, or a rusted Ford Cortina – it takes on a dull, malevolent sentience equivalent to wolves, arsonists or all foreigners Abroad.
08:10; A crude application of Marshall Lore’s quantum math known as ‘magic’. Having been exposed to such alchemical algebra a lot recently, the chickenleg witch’s house we approach is less than menacing.
08:20; Not to be upstaged, I glide to the 20ft up doorstep under my own power, rather than have the house lowered in a blaze of condescension. A quick mind-read & I announce myself to – Madam Nation!
08:30; Brief read confirms: Madam Nation is not Doc Nation’s wife – but conceives of herself as such, as she is in the midst of conceiving his child. Witch/harlot, but she has tea before introductions; Manners!
08:40; Resembles a meth laboratory, set up in a Gingerbread House. Several dusty antiques, a great many plants kept in suspiciously strong cages & a stuffed alligator suspended from the ceiling. Tres gauche.
08:50; I guestimate Nation’s paranormal paramour to be 2 & a half decades old, 6 & a quarter months pregnant, that half of her wishes to kill him, half of her wishes to love him, and half, merely to marry him.
09:00; She introduces herself as Miss Mauvais, daughter of famed French mystic Madam Mauvais. Technically she still lives with her mother; mama resides in the decorative urn on the mantlepiece. Immature!
09:10; ‘Madam Nation’ hands me down her Madam Mauvais’ vase from its pride of place, no doubt to disconcert. I read ahead in her intentions, take the vase firmly, remove the lid & I shout greetings inside.
09:20; A voice emerges (thin, tinny & ringing with the ‘ping’ noise one gets when one flicks one’s fingernail off of a Ming vase) apparently disembodied, & apparently Madam Mauvais’ voice. She’s a little deaf.
09:30; It is a soul jar: emblazoned with runes of quantum consequence, a soul jar of glass or clay made will hold the physical & spiritual remains of person post-mortem. Know them? I’ve been taught by them!
09:40; Souls bottled without physical remains; hard & less effective. Still, spirits cease to suffer tearing asunder for their memory & skill. Academics will will, rather than sell, a soul to a school. Ultimate tenure!
09:50; In many ways the scarecrow (waldo, fictive, reverse voo-doo doll) driving Ms Mauvais’ limo & the soul jar I hold are opposites: scarecrow is mindless, but a body; soul jar is disembodied, but a mind.
10:00; I consider the vase in my hands, briefly before returning it. I wondered why Dr. Nation’s zombies were unable to cross Whitby’s wards. Eldritch confessed to an element of science in magic. A reverse?
10:10; Nation despises magic, doesn’t believe in it. I also despise magic, also don’t believe in it – as something I would use myself. I know magic is, stupidly, real. Nation didn’t, before Whitby. Why Mauvais?
10:20; Ms. Mauvais has recounted to me her initial affair with Medicin Nation (a gigglepuss’ study in lovesickness): now business! Asking after the exact means by which her mother still spoke post mortem …
10:30; … belladonna … thyme … wheatgrass … she gave him the ‘magic potion’ her mother’s remains were treated with to stave off ‘soul senility’. Explains the, relatively, high intelligence of UNDEAD zombies.
10:40; Whitby’s undead are high-quality, body & mind machines, made with Egyptian craftsmanship. Nation’s UNDEAD, mass produced, should have been duller than their army originals, if possible; Not so.
10:50; I had wondered why a preliminary breakdown of the great UNDEAD formula yielded ingredients lists like ‘strawberries’, ‘cajun chicken spices’ and ‘love’. It made the zombie Nation seem odd. Odder!
11:00; She was in Languedoc at the time, her usual residence. Left not too long after his Bookpimp theft, one would expect. Losing the formula must have angered her to no end – wait, he stole yet more? Ha!
11:10; Alongside his Bookpimp theft, Nation engaged in relations with, & secured items of magical note from her, or rather her coven. Nation, not believing in magic but very much in power, stole these items.
11:20; Oh dear, oh dear, Doctor Ingot Nation: a believer that there is no ‘we’ in ‘unwed’. This young lady managed to track him, for her own evil purposes by her own mystical means, & lost him after Whitby.
11:30; She sent tempest unto him in Whitby (slander, that was MY flood!) and beleagred his watercraft afterwards, with storm and gale, but miscalculated in summoning a whale (libel, that was God’s whale!).
11:40; Do not really believe in God either, but as someone I see as very-almost a peer of mine – when he applies himself – I won’t have this witch take credit for his admittedly-unimaginative-but-earnest work.
11:50; Interestingly, her crystal balls failed in glimpsing Nation’s current locale. Doing a reverse of my actions in Horologue’s yesterday, she tracked back to Whitby, searching for the greatest combatant; Me!!
12:00; Observed me in Paris – when I disappeared, briefly, in Orleans, she beat me to Nantes, for fear of losing my mighty aid. Quite the little slattern in her buttering, & in a moment I shall make her lick it off.
12:10; She has tried to read my mind & I allowed her; or, rather, I projected what she wanted me to think directly into her brain: she mistook for her own powers. When the topic came to Nation’s locale; off.
12:20; ‘Saw’ my flying, but I fear her list of misdemeanours omitted my mind reading; crystal balls are not for real men of science, who now also appear to be immune to magic telepathy. Now she casts spells!
12:30; Fireball, Magic Arrow, Rain of Acid, A Major Summoning, Carnivore Butterfly Cloud; my Hungarian is simply functional, but that seems to be what she is saying. Seems, because nothing is happening.
12:40; Disappointing; another of Rowling’s many, demented children. Or … possibly … set my mental state reader to project back her earlier mind state … secondary precaution against ‘magic’ mind reading …
12:50; Mad Dame Nation’s ‘dervish dancing’ allows surrepticious inspection of my appartus & confirmation of my hypothesis; spell casting is part mental. Given her increased frenzy in frustration, very ‘mental’.
13:00; Ms. Mauvais is considerably discomposed. She realises: she has inverted her favoured relationship between us; I am weaker far away, where I am oblivious to her observation, where she is omniscient.
13:10; She was confident in calling yours truly to her travelling yurt; believed she had sufficient short game, her mind reading, to seize Nation’s location. She is the 3rd evilest currently-pregnant woman I know.
13:20; She should be proud of that; seems to be deflated. Not particularly pretty – would be called ‘vivacious’ if she pressed her someone to tell her, because no one tells a witch she is ‘square-jaw handsome’.
13:30; I project into Madam Nation’s mind that I am looking at her sternly over the tops of reading glasses I am not actually wearing, then depart. She has the good grace to have me driven back, into Nantes.
13:40; I reflect, on the half-hour return to the train station. That was divertingly idiotic. Yet, even a few weeks ago, before my attainment of mind BORE in Paris, the encounter would have entirely undone me.
13:50; My powers base has increased admirably, but more importantly; they are … streamlined. Subtle. Multipurpose. Precision. They are extensions of my cultivated character, rather than … garish fripperies.
14:00; I don’t shoot lasers from my eyes or transform into a monster-man. I’m an English aristocrat, dammit, & the ability to read minds, influence them, become invisible to them, … it befits my dignified idiom.
14:10; Flight assures observers that if I am fashionably late, it isn’t traffic that slows me, but the lacklustre quality of their company that fails to draw me. In point of fact- I’m here; the driver hands me … paper?
14:20; Informed in writ, Ms Mauvais tells me that she will, at midnight, release the spirit of a murderer from its soul jar & set it to take from my mind, by force, that which I would not reveal to her, in intimacy.
14:30; She suspects my means of blocking her spells requires proximity to the caster; when I am at long range again, she will be able to destroy me. I have – now – nine and a half hours to tell of Nation’s ‘loci’.
14:40; If I do not, this spirit will possess me, rifling through my mind, like a chubby transvestite through his wife’s ‘fat’ clothes, for Nation’s information, then taking permanent possession of my body as reward.
14:50; Feel like cursing back at her, but not my idiom. Panache always in face of apparent defeat. Write prescription of certain prenatal vitamins; her dance lagged in places, she needs to maintain muscle tone.
15:00; Will be possessed by an unstoppable spiritual entity, not subject to BORE because it has no physical brain, in approximately nine hours! Only one course of action!! Become Fratboy-level inebriated!!!
16:00; If I’m to die, it will be in a place of appropriate ambience. Thankfully Nantes has a franchise of Club Dungeon Planet X; it hosts an apocalypse party every night and if I ever died, the world would end.
16:10; Heard it called a mix between a Comicon pre-panel Neil Gaiman signing & RenFair post-punch-up Lucy Lawless orgy. Don’t know what those words mean or who those people are so I say: possibly.
16:20; My personal frame of reference compares it to parties thrown by the Eastern Orthodox Church College of Bishops, where I have snorted snuff out of the narrow navel of Belorussian belly-dancer or …
16:30; … a dramatic reading of Salman Rushdie’s ‘The Satanic Verses’ at La Pantalon Rouge where, in an audience marinated on vodka & language, 4 spontaneous & independant fires started simultaneously.
16:40; The club was founded when a bookstore owner & kink-club promoter coincidentally conceived of the distinctive ‘Club Dungeon Planet X’ moniker for new ventures in their respective lines of business.
16:50; Apparently, as the copyright case dragged on, the 2 encountered, engaged & enraptured each other, opening their 1st joint venue within 6 months of their marriage: venture capital from The BookPimp.
17:00; I am achieving a light libation buzz at the moment in Club Dungeon Planet X, a tastefully attired bookshop with delicious first-editions, large leather armchairs & alcohol sold in moneybox-slit wineflutes.
17:10; It is a club – had to sign in. Can’t risk anyone spilling drinks on the books when quaffing along with Chaucer. Signing in also allowed seeing the memberlist & the name of a woman I really want to meet.
17:20; Over the speakers plays, lightly, one of my favourite ButcherShop Quartet songs, ‘Organ Grinder’, from their early ‘Butcher in a China Shop’ album. *sigh* Rending flesh to accapella barbershop beats.
17:30; All in all, a dream bookshop, in the way BookPimp’s is an immaculate lending library. Also, similar to BP’s, CDPX shuts at 6pm sharp, … when CDPxXx, the basement club below, opens for the night.
17:40; Downstairs: like the patrons, the books here have clear-latex laminated pages, leatherbound covers, are chained to the walls & are free to touch. Quiet little booths for reading, as well as other things …
17:50; CDPxXx Paris would be a perfect refuge from Projectionist Protector nonsense but, in true CDPxXx fashion, the club is being rebuilt after a Standing Stones tour stop! Classic! Here comes the crowd:
18:00; Mohawked malcontent mods couch-lounge, cupping cappuccinos in one hand & holding slim-volume Shakespeare aloft in the other. More than one uses a ruff as a post-pugilist impromptu neckbrace.
18:10; Pierced, fair-haired high hippies perform a live full-back tatt of the Battle of Ypres (framed with Angel Army of Mons). Attendants play, unplugged, the later Beatles beats on expensive acoustic guitars.
18:20; A bespectacled, bowler-hatted, suit-&-tie accountant reads “Cats & the Law”, & holds a leash leading to the steel-spiked rubber collar of a model in skin-tight PVC catsuit, licking cream from a bowl.
18:30; Hard-rock local lead singer, whispers sweet nothings into the ear of a lass attired in reinvented Queen Victoria regalia; fibreglass bustle, underwired decollétage, lace-embroidered crimson latex bodice.
18:40; A pair of elderly nuns, in full habit and steel-toed Doc Martins, quickly sip chilled Jagermeister and chat amicably about Emily Dickinson with a brace of cheerleaders bearing sweet smiles and evil eyes.
18:50; 2 old gents in WW1 gun-grenade-gas-mask trench uniform of opposing sides, hold hands with bling-blessed young gangstars in Sir Philip Sidney’s court dress: black velvet, silver-filigree, big codpiece.
19:00; As Club Dungeon Planet xXx fills for evening & I observe its odd clientele, for the 1st time in some time, I relax; here I’m normal. Here, I could burst into flame and it would be nonchalant lateral move.
19:10; Given that much of time is spent in making some degree of threat to everyone I meet, it is nice to be able to put aside the hat & cane occassionally. Not in a literal sense, you understand; I’m still cursed.
19:20; Yes, I could give the witch Nation’s island abode, for the little good it would do her, & would have if she had the sense to bribe high, right off the bat. As it stands I cannot negotiate with a terror-witch.
19:30; Dignity, you understa- GREAT ODIN’S RAVENS! Are those men in red-and-white striped shirts & blood-splattered aprons, mounting the stage? It can’t be- IT IS!! It is The ButcherShop Quartet!!!
19:40; Bundy; alto, lead singer & chief taxidermist of the band! Manson; soprano, player of spoons & band’s lead animal breeder! Sam’son; mezzo-soprano, washboard-strummer & keeper of band’s knives!
19:50; Reverend J. Jones; baritone, harmonica & sayer of grace! Gacy; alto, bongoes & maker of balloon animals from animal intestines! Dahmer; alto, xylophone & cook! Gein; baritone, concertina & tailor!
20:00; Still, I retain panache. Stolid- BY THE HAMMER OF THOR! Another 6 men breach the stage in assorted animal costumes?! Tonight The ButcherShop Quartet sing with The Petshop Butcherboys!!!
20:10; Jacks Ripper & Springheel; playing lead & bass guitar – wearing crocodile & tiger costumes respectively. Heigh on cello, dressed as a spider. Christie on drums, garbed in long-nosed anteater disguise.
20:20; De Salvo dressed as a mighty termite, playing an acid-etched saxophone. Lead vocals by Wests Rose and Fred, dressed as matching cockatoos in red and green; Rose an ‘honourary’ boy Butcherboy.
20:30; Yes, it is a six-man quartet. They need the spares. A crossover concert! Shall tell my grandchildren of this – while not revealing any weaknesses that they could later use via time-travel to kill me! Brats!
20:40; Petshop Butcherboys: ”Blood Lust” remix of ‘Evil Petting Zoo’ album. ”Frankin-sense” ballad of ‘Looking Butch’ album. ‘Snuff the Magic Dragon’: they played live, with dead animals, in front of PETA.
20:50; Butchershop Quartet: ”WalkIn’ Freezer” of ‘Have a Butchers’ LP. ”Skokie Illinois, Sosé” from ‘Kaiser’ CD. ‘Butch Rhapsody’ they played, with Butch Cassidy’s corpse, at The Sundance Film Festival.
21:00; Various commerial covers follow: Little Petshop of Horrors, Demon Butcher of Fleet Street, etc. At the bar: woman orders a man’s hat, filled with perfume and a plum set floating in the centre. Gotcha!
21:10; I sit on a stool beside her, tap her right thigh and tell her this now called ”The”. Tap her left thigh and tell her this is now called ”Word”. Then, I tell her we should get personal, and spread ”The Word”.
21:20; She considers evisceration, then I lean in quite close, hand on each thigh, & tell ‘her’ that if she doesn’t retreat to the privacy of a booth with me, I will tell everyone what ‘used’ to be between those legs.
21:30; She stares, then draws back, laughs & tells me that she likes her eggs ‘poached-but-unfertilized’ in the morning. I gentlemanly lead her by the hand, to somewhere secluded. ‘Her’ pulse is … accelerated.
21:40; Once hidden, she stops simpering courtesan act; greets me by name. I use ‘her’ true name. Long since The Agnate Gentleman’s Club, London – I meet once again & for the first time – The Cortex Cad!
21:50; This is why ‘last known location’ of the Cortex Cad, pilfered from the French police, is of dubious use. Cad’s last location was a man: who now cannot recall as to why he stole the money or where it is.
22:00; Cad body-jumps. Originally, a form astral projection, returning to his own body after he’d had his fun. Then, an heir presumptive to his title killed him while he slept; a ‘nice place to visit’ became ‘home’.
22:10; The Cad now leaps from body to body, a few months at a time, becoming less focused. Other genders, other races, other ages – experimenting endlessly to pass the time, he is beginning to come apart.
22:20; CC has seen superhuman & subhuman, alien & elf, animal & vegetable. Like a microcosm of his decadent ancestry, he has done everything & everything has happened to him, for a given value of ‘him’.
22:30; Early in his out-of-body experience, The Cad seemed like he was trying on suit after suit. Now it seems that all that remains is a suit – details; his favourite club franchise & drink – with body after body.
22:40; Completely unstoppable, untraceable, he has degraded into a prankster. Unfindable – except if one has a time-viewer which allows one scroll back to the last recorded prank & track him back to now.
22:50; I traced him through all the intervening bodies between a banker in Nice facing imbezzlement charges to a lingerie model in Nantes, who looks over the table with a growing memory of who I really am.
23:00; I allow The Cad to ‘catch up’. How I have gained strange & terrible powers recently, having wonderful intellectual & carnal congress, am meeting so many interesting & homicidal new people, & so on.
23:10; Ordering a bottle of fine wine – from a waitress in so much antique lace & silk (dyed acid green, like her hair & contacts) she resembled a nuking of the entire Victorian era – I ask CC what ‘she’ wants.
23:20; Wine – brought by a waitress dressed in so many frills the effect was a cross of a can-can girl & a demolition-derby’s mardi-gras float – is poured & CC says: you tracked ‘me’ down, ‘Lord’ Daftwager.
23:30; I explain that I have my own interest, but what does The Cortex Cad want? Acting out as he is, having gone through all the combinations he can. President, Satan, Odin; who does he really want to be?
23:40; Villainy 101; What do you really want? Not what can you do, not what you might have to do to get it, not even why you want it. What do you want, deep down inside, in the place we don’t talk about.
23:50; So many fail this piece of self-examination, that they endlessly try to destroy, or save the world, strive for inarticulate emotions, that 10 mins with a durable, mindless clone of their mother could achieve.
00:00; As the spindly model fingers clutch my head, I drink to dull the pain. The Cortex Cad leans in real close, tells me that, deep down inside, where he is still him, he wants to be me. But of course he does!


I watch the Watchmen

September 5, 2009

So: Finally saw the Watchmen film.

And: yes, one of the best opening sequences & credits, ever.

The presentation, music, production & sets were ingenious. Three dimensions of the graphic novel. Snyder’s depth to detail is nigh on omniscient.

The changes were, for the majority of the movie, excellent. A friend said the film is better than the comic; thems some big ass words, and for a considerable part of the film, this is true:

-> Nite Owl 1: Being a caped-cop among other caped-cops, beating up getaway free criminals, had a lot more weight to it than the original. That his murder was cut is something I’ll assume returns on the super-special DVD.

-> Adrian-Dr. Manhattan: A lot more sense. The partnership, their plans, the attempt to stop the energy crisis. Gives a lot more weight, right from the beginning, that these guys are the two real superhumans. Whatever that implies.

-> Necessary compressions of time occur – admirable pace.

-> The multiple city thing: not only good, but straight out necessary.

And so on.

The more problematic change was Dreiberg’s return after Rorschach’s death. I thought it was an excellent idea, one of the solidest concepts: Dreiberg & Rorschach are friends, as much as they can be, and the idea that destroyed Rorschach remains wouldn’t rise his ire is hard to believe. Even if the snow covered them, how was R going to get back to the US without the Owlship?

However, I felt him bashing Adrian against the tvs and saying Veidt’s plan had merely mutilated humanity wasn’t the level of thought I’d expected of the rest of the film. Jon’s original line had its own power, but even if Snyder wanted to have a caped footsoldier challenge Veidt rather than a superhuman, Laurie’s gunshot seemed sufficient.

Missed the flying cars a little.

And that is 300 words.