Got to keep your pecker up

May 30, 2008

I think I’m the only person I know who gets a buzz from their spam mail. I don’t mean the crude attempts with “viagra” and “nude” in the title. I mean the really crafted stuff. Oh, I never open it of course but, occasionally, something will land in my bebomail that is a fine example of this.


“Hey punkin’!

This is my first time on the site, so bear with me. I recently came out of a serious and B-O-R-I-N-G relationship! I’m past that and looking for someone cool to date. I’m a sexy young woman. I’m of average body type – weight and height normal – and have a couple of tattoos, ask me where… I love going out and above all like traveling. I like visiting museums and historical monuments. I’m adventurous and opened to new experiences. I also like watching tv, drinking coffee and cuddling. Btw, I’m not using my account to contact you… so please don’t reply directly to this message. My friend is making me try out this site.

If you’re interested, send your replies to my email address instead: [censored} at [censored} .com.

Thanks in advance! Hope to meet you soon, especially since we live in the same area (I think…) I’m visiting a friend in the area, so I’m not too familiar with the place.”

Fairly standard, but there are some nice details; Average body type, history geek and area inference are nice little touches.

The illusion, or what little remains, dissolves with the next ‘letter’, on the same day:

Hi, what’s up sexy?

I’m looking for a nice, fun and honest guy who enjoys and respects outgoing women. I’m coming out of a long relationship, so I’m looking for something very casual but serious at the same time. Does that make any sense to you? I’m also looking for someone local. You live in the area, right? I’m visiting and I’m not familiar with the place.

Here’s some more info about me: I’m real cute, somewhat stubborn and smart. I do some sports, I like biking and tennis. I’m also into stuff like American Idol and Heroes.

I hope you’re interested in giving us a try, gimme a shout, but don’t respond directly to this message… I’m borrowing this account from my cousin. Please use my private e-mail instead,  [censored} at [censored} .com.

Thanks! xxx”

Again, the details are nice touches, if the shows mentioned are highly generic. Under different circumstances ( those not involving curiously explanatory lines like “I’m borrowing this account from my cousin” – read, hacking), it could even ostensibly pass a first phrase Turing Test equivalent of E-mail.

But things are beginning to fall apart by mail no. 3, Later That Day:

“Quit looking for a date, I’m the one you’re looking for sweetie! I was looking for single – available guys on this site. Read your personal page and had to write. I find you interesting and would like to chat with you. Especially since you’re local… I think. I’m just visiting, so I don’t know the area that well. I’m very good-looking, smart and outgoing. I like reading blogs and making fun of online retards. I love to laugh, drink, listen to music and watch stuff on youtube. Of course shopping is also a passion. I’d like to hook up with a cute and witty guy – only friends to start with but will not limit it. I’ll play it by ear. Write back if you wanna have some wonderful times! Just don’t reply directly to this message. I’m logged in on my best-friend’s account – too lazy to have my own ad… So please E-mail me directly at this address [censored} at [censored}com.


P.S. Ask me about my tattoo.”

The line about the profile being interesting is all very well, but it could be so much more with a very general comment about quizzes or blogs. Sure, you’d lose those who didn’t have them, but this is a high-loss industry anyway. Besides, the ‘online retards’ comment was far too jarring. The tattoo comment merely exposing the multiplicity deception ( though I’ve censored the names and e-mail addresses given, all three were ‘different’ names and addresses.

I guess the Luddites were right; technology does lead to mass-produced lower quality goods, even in scam artistry.

But I still get a buzz out of the whole thing because I know, in my heart, that when the whole of humanity is wiped out by a virus of germalogical rather technological origin, nothing will survive in reality but cockroaches and in cyberreality nothing but spyware. The firewall programs will stagnate while the spyware will constantly evolve, filling inbox and inbox, crashing server after server until all the barriers are broken down. Then ‘ViaGra 73647’ will sit down with ‘Kir5t3n Dun5t pron’ and try to con each other out of money, sending now meaningless figures to cascade from Paypal Accounts and Google Checking.

If future automation of the physical servers and their power sources was sufficiently high, the chaos might rage within the now internally unautomated for centuries. But order would arise. And perhaps when the cockroach folk had evolved sufficiently to comprehend the tools of their forebears, they might Logon aand meet the only intellectual equals they will then have on the planet. Bug would commune with Bug, and the results would be in a race beyond time and space.

At least their penises would be, after all that viagra.



Just don’t ask them about their Tattoo.


Lisbon Treaty

May 25, 2008

Dear Sirs, Madams and as yet undecideds.

On the matter of the upcoming vote on legislation I have little opinion, partially because the writing of it seems designed for the purposes of obsfucation, and partially because if the track record for such legislation seems to be ask until we say yes, but mostly because it is legislation.

As such, the same legislation that can pour money into urban development can buy CCTV cameras on the streets, can buy new textbooks or install gait-recognition monitors in schools. Allocations of budget, delegation to the legislation’s host countries and the eventual sheer management means little, if any, of its original intent, if there is such a thing, will be lost as regards to Ireland.

Not say that this legislation won’t have a great deal of effect on Ireland, but drawing the actual impact from the legislation currently proposed is somewhat problematic. Each host country, despite homogenisation promises, will interpret that enaction very differently. Thus, I’d advise the keeping of an eye on one’s governments, rather than the poor legislation. The policies the host government doesn’t want and aren’t important for Europe to push will be backburnered, those the government would like to do but need a lightning rod to administrate, there will be Europe.

This will vary; I somehow doubt Ireland will be called upon to submit its 1980s airforce and that destroyer bought from Britain when the Royal Navy scrapped it. While the Centrals will be the ones to called in on such instances, we might useful in Peacekeeper bodycounts. On the other hand, nobody will pry Norway away from its oil.

Not that this will be bad particularly; the government does need lightning rods to administrate in  a manner that will mean things we don’t want but do need . Similarly, there are things Ireland needs to do ( carbon emissions, I’m looking at you) which Europe wants to put through but the government doesn’t. ( i do apologise for words like ‘do’ or ‘want’ being in used in relation to politics, where they bear little, if any, relation with reality.)

So, I would remind everyone to vote, or to spoil their vote (if they choose to) rather than not voting at all, both in the upcoming treaty referendum and in the eventual general election, and I would put the second over the first. Don’t say the treaty is ‘bad’, like its a puppy that wet the carpet. It is its administrators you should keep an eye on, both locally and continentally. This should be particularly interesting with the recent loss of Blair and Aherne, and the upcoming acephalation of the American presidency.

If in doubt, vote Brewster – NONE OF THE ABOVE!

-The ‘Crat.


The Dink: Computers

May 7, 2008

Consider: The human brain is essentially a computer.

Expand: Computers are devices which have max/min temperatures of peak efficiency. Under or over insulation cause these devices to malfunction or cease to function. Temperate effects also may play a part in this process. Also, fibres, filaments and furs generate static electricity, which is wildly detrimental to components silicon and electrical.

Hypothesis: Human Hair is detrimental to the thinking processes of the human computer.

Secondary/Practical basis: Heat is more distracting than cold to the human thought processes. Dogs are stupid, covered entirely hair – Apes, with facial and faeces areas clear of hair, are more intelligent.

Final Theory: Women are less intelligent than men, as they generally have more hair. Men get wiser as they age as they become bald. However, women don’t grow beards, and if the hair hypothesis applies to the encasing of the skull rather than just the skull cap, this would mean the genders are generally equal.

Positive Action: Shave my entire head. And body hair, for safety’s sake. I don’t have to sit in the fridge though, as that is where I composed this theory.

Just goes to show, eh?

*The Dink loves the emperical method*

Hello world!

May 7, 2008


I’m leaving this here so you know what I’m up against:

“Welcome to This is your first post. Edit or delete it and start blogging!”

What did we learn today children? Thats right – any sentence with an exclamation mark and no stabbings is one exclamnation mark to many. I want you to remember this when you post a comment. Use an exclamation mark without at least implied violence and I shall commit more than implied violence unto you.

I am English Teacher – hear me bore.

A hole.

Into your brain.

At night.

While you sleep.

If you ever use multiple exclamation marks.

Without multiple homicides.

-The ‘Crat.