Daftwager Twitter: Day 41

July 25, 2009

Origin of the Mighty ParadigmDay 41:


07:00; Sometimes the dawn chorus depresses me. Then I remember; birds, the former dinosaurs, are just co-ordinating a mass attack upon hated mankind, we sons of monkeys, in their own secret languages.

08:00; Ask Open: didn’t she think it strange that I asked her to pickpocket her idol or that her idol dropped me from the Tower? She says, sleepily, that these were things she just assumed ‘you heroes’ did.

09:00; Should really take that as an insult, but instead take a kiss & some toast. Come to think of it, I called her my girlfriend. ‘Girl’ friend I’ve never liked; too childish. ‘Woman’ friend too cold. I prefer Open.

10:00; Reading purloined paper; Paradigm & The Deadly Light Shade foiled a bank caper, just before HAL-lelujah. Assume the switched tickets were handed over there. Super social lives are complicated.

11:00; The bank caper got a good review. Writer finishes, asking how this partnership between forces so unlike each other was forged. Would expect P & TDLS to be at each others throats. I stifle giggles.

12:00; Revué: HAL-lelujah: A Space Opera. ”Success Beyond the Stars” says Le Monde. ”All is Looking Bright” says Le Figaro. ”Two Suns in the Sky – Five Star Show” says Le Canard Enchainé. Puns.

13:00; Far too many supers masquerading as reporters these days if the broadsheets are using such puns. Why can’t they write blasé prose about themselves in the tabloids? I take my lunch at Le Chien Gris.

13:05; Typical. Finally eat at an eatery not run by firestarters or assassins and lunch is interrupted by Psylent Film and The Monochrone. My pret-a-manger sandwiches were ruined. Oh and someone is dying.

13:10; The Monochrone, robe & veil, in ‘sniffing out evil’ as she calls it – ‘Snort!’ They say hers is the face of a silent film star, one so beautiful men killed her for her. By ‘they’, I mean The Monochrone herself.

13:15; Intuitively telepathic; nothing nasal about it. With her opening pronouncement that “the most evil person in this room shall die this day!” everyone struggles not to think of their own little evils. Amateurs.

13:20; White collar criminals & petty rumour-mills all. I am no doubt the baddest man in this room. She is sniffing in my direction – quite complimentary!- when I lean over and turn on my little invisibility utility.

13:25; A mook is fingered just as Psylent Film comes in from lookout. They’re going to tear that man’s mind apart, then kill him! Action must be taken! I set up a few blank BOREs and sit back for the show.

13:30; Psylent Film, all in white and quite featureless, clamps a hand on the man’s head. They say he died when the Lumiere Brothers showed ‘Train Pulling Into A Station’. Violence in Cinema from the start. 1

3:35; PF’s other hand extends and images are projected onto the the far wall. Quite disturbing. Murder, rape, theft, adultery, wrath … the impromptu audience can’t quite watch, nor can they quite turn away.

13:40; With a cry of ”Vengeance for the People of Paris!” TM & PF toss their corpse aside and leave by the kitchens. Body hits my table; I save the fresh BORE imprints but the sandwiches are a tragic loss.

13:45; The gendarmes arrive and remove the mess. Should be a few hours until the body is in Morgue Ann’s morgue. My invisibility allows me to leave without any police questioning or having to pay the bill.

13:50; Why, you cry, haven’t these fiends been captured by the mighty Paradigm & The Deadly Light Shade! Caught by Les Jeans d’Armes! Citizen-Arrested by Les Jeunes d’Armes! They have, many times.

13:55; They are absurdly easy to catch. But, by the time their case comes round, demonstrations mount demanding the release of the murderers of murderers. Then they get out. Sometimes they get a parade.

14:00; Disapprove of such public approval. By contrast, the probable public reaction to the Saint Bright & Maxine Min affair, which even I must admit is sickening-sweet, would be to tar & feather those two.

15:00; Enter the offices of Le Figaro. Ask to see archives, in exchange for my eyewitness account of the most recent TM & PF ‘judgement’. Eager; I get archive & internet access while I wait for a reporter.

15:10; Video’s already up on Youtube – previous attacks also. I PrintView some stills of the murderers PF and TM have murdered, rapists they have mind-raped, thieves they have thought-stolen from. Gory.

15:20; The ‘Projectionist Protectors’, as they are called, speak in English in what clearly are their ‘performances’. That is why their noms du guerre are particularly poor puns; they’re playing to the big leagues.

15:30; It’s why few French supers, heroes or villains, use their French names. All want internationality – its a step towards the global groups, like Vigil, World Watchers and, of course, The Lunar Luminaries.

15:40; Projectionist Protector’s website; Youtube Youth can post images of their fellows committing crimes – report names and addresses for correction. Preferred Sicko’s site; same methods but a nicer font.

15:50; A lot of posts – a particular fan theory about a man in black sitting in the back of all these ‘performances’ has been debunked – apparently he wasn’t sitting in on this one. Fanon calls him ‘Peeping Tom’.

16:00; Check out conservative Le Figaro’s archives; the old folk are also for the Projectionist Protectors. That is why they get released all the time. Then the windows rattle and I know my interviewer is here.

16:10; He’ll have to change into his reporter’s disguise and, on a whim, I incorporate The Monochrone’s intuitive telepathy BORE into a blank BORE. Its not reading his mind, its a … map of his state of mind.

16:20; My interviewer will have no powers I can take mentally – all of his ‘abilities’ are muscular, he has little mentally in every sense – but I do wish to test out my new toy, and he seems like a perfect lab rat.

16:30; I finish as the door opens and, decked out in reporter’s tweed and horned rim glasses, is the Bretagne byline jockey Henri Jambé. Dear Lucifer, he even has his PRESS ID in his hatband. Utter drivel.

16:40; Give a rousing interview as British Tourist and Member of the Constabulary, P. I. Staker. I give a ringing endorsement of the facist methods of the French vigilantes; a little trouble for the folks at home.

16:50; I depart, printouts in hand. That was ‘reporter’ Excelsoar. TDLS & P have secret identities – I drew glasses on Excelsoar’s picture in the paper once, and recognised his twin Henri in the byline. Idiotic.

17:00; Can’t write worth a damn, but covers the super set ok. Real sweetheart him – tried to land an ailing plane while under the influence of tv physics. On Youtube video the plane seems to shatter like glass.

18:00; As expected – analysis suggests that none of Excelsoar’s strength, flight or invulnerability abilities are absorbable by BORE. Didn’t even read his thoughts – just his state of mind in his reporter persona.

19:00; There are severe limitations to The Monochrone’s mental telepathy – such is the way with ‘theme’ vaudevillain vigilantes. She suggests that she can smell evil, and people produce the ‘smell’. No details.

20:00; I sign in at the morgue as Dr. Quatloo. Scrubbing in to consult on forensic scientist Morgue Ann’s Cause of Death (on today’s victim obviously – everyone knows what Morgue Ann died of: Slit throat).

20:10; Morgue Ann – an unnamed demimondain killed during the Rue Morgue spree. Returned by revenant rituals, identifying & capturing her killer. Over time she has become a speaker for the French dead.

20:20; Know her London colleague, Raggedy Ann – ripped up by Jack the Ripper and stitched together with the parts of other streetwalkers by Rigour, Raggedy beat the Copper Copper to Jack’s capture.

20:30; The dead bury the dead and talk to ghosts. Afterall, a postmortem victim is as traumatised as a premortem victim, and they need to be interviewed and counselled by those who’ve been there, done it.

20:40; I don’t stare at the crooked neck or the sunglasses, and pass a small test. She has heard of my Whitby works during our Days of the Dead and is amiable that I make the first incision. Draw first blood.

20:50; She reads the victim’s name aloud, then burns that strip of paper. While I cut she talks to the air, and I am certain the victim is there. Heart and brain look like they’ve been run through a microwave …

21:00; She says he says he died with all his worst fears flashing across his mind. As the dead lie, I complete the autopsy, which agrees – extreme cardial and frontal lobe infarctions. They ‘scared’ him to death.

22:00; Think Morgue Ann would be on the side of these murdering murderers? No. Monochrone picked this victim as somebody nobody would mourn dying – same modus operandi as a demimondain killer.

22:30; Morgue Ann says the victim denies the projectionist’s accusations. As printout stills of guilt show him killing what, on closer inspection, is a currently-alive President N. Sarkozy, among others, I concur.

22:00; The Monochrone searched for any guilt, factual or fictional. She has found real murderers once or twice, much touted on their site, but TM and PF have been bagging fear fantasies rather than realities.

23:30; The victim, Frey Druss, felt guilty he wished these things. MA says he wonders if this is his punishment. MA can’t answer him. I say he had great temptations, which he resisted – FD didn’t deserve this.

00:00; Apparently he conceives of me as his avenger. Had he seen through my invisibility, he’d be singing a different tune. I return again to my own alive demimondain. I will have to introduce her to the Anns.

Origin of the Deadly Light Shade


Daftwager Twitter Fiction: Day 40

July 18, 2009

Day 40:

07:00; Open wrote equations on the bedsheets in her sleep last night – my sketch of the briefly-glimpsed scientific siguls on the librarian’s skin, with the benefit BORE recall, seem to have fired her imagination.

07:30; Sheets hung up on the wall, she corrects. Watch from the bed; describing my impression of the librarian as “ever-on-the-brink-of-stripping” was the reason Open brought markers & glasses to bed …

08:00; Sorry to lounge, but when else am I to see high mathematics done by a brain-beauty in corset, garters, stockings and high-heels, made all the more attractive because this is her ”absent-minded” professor dress.

08:30; Depart before Open holds me down – literally – for a more accurate description of the ‘stripperriffic’ nature of the lady librarian. Most fun way to donate one’s body to science, but I have appointments.

09:00; Meet Paradigm, dear girl, at Flambé, latest restaraunt of the Arsonist’s Granddaughter. Place managed not to burn down for the fire insurance long enough for me to hand over a canister of UNDEAD.

09:10; Meant to meet up with Paradigm for some time. If I’m wandering to Nation’s nation, I might need a second set of peepers to look UNDEAD over to keep it kosher, as much as it can be with zombies.

09:20; P’s a busy lady; fights crime fashionably and designs a clothing line that accentuates every figure. This is a business breakfast … but if she could have someone look at it, perhaps her parfum prodigies?

09:30; As a superhero she is very interested, but there is a greater interest she somewhat conceals. This is Maxine Min, her brilliant scientist alter-ego I am not supposed to know about. I pretend not to see.

09:40; Maxine Min, who took her mother’s, father’s & stepfather’s chemical craziness and created the Four Humours, became B-4, mixed the Four Humours, produced a Fifth, and Paradigm was first born.

09:50; UNDEAD will be a marvellous cure, some day. Inform her of samples sent to Doctor Ward (yes, Mayor’s brother), if she – if her prodigies – wish to consult. Secret identities are so socially awkward.

10:00; I messenger another serum over to Min’s own address, citing her ”ingenious work in intellicrops”. Inform Min that Paradigm was sent same, if she wants to confer. That would be an interesting consult.

11:00; Steal stall ticket for sell-out mechanical musical; “HAL-lelujah! A Space Opera!” just off of Broadway, featuring the Symphony Sisters, the Oklo Effect Ska & Vocal Band and Toussaint “Saint” Bright.

12:00; Well if that old lady wanted to keep them she shouldn’t have waved them around. Had a ticket-tour of Bonka’s Chocolate Factory that way. Adjourn to lunch today at that terrible cafe from yesterday.

13:00; Staff is fundamentally terrified. Not due to me – yet. I test the tensile strength of the spaghetti – stronger than steel. This can be the work of only one t-shirt-turban-wearing fellow. I ask to see the chef.

13:10; Surprising, the amount of shadow available in an open-air, well lit cafe. In any case, Ninja Bob makes it to my table without a sound. The smell of pastry, pies and burning, he brings that everywhere.

13:20; Poor fellow. The Ninjatech Dark Scholarship isn’t a promise of citizenship in the Assassin Nation, particularly when one wasn’t Japan born. They don’t even guard the scholar’s ship from pirate attack.

13:30: As such, Ninja Bob’s aptitude tests, after excelling in Ninja training, conveniently caused him to be alotted ”chef”. The man absentmindedly turns toffee into tar strong enough to act as quicksand. Chef!

13:40; This wandering T-Shirt Ninja, ever obedient, is studying under every Parisian chef who fears a blade bigger than his own in the hands of this Iron Chef. Bob brought a sai to interviews – instant employ!

13:50; To this cafe Bob is worth the agent orange juice and napalmed toast. With the Monochrone and Psylent Film running around, diners put up with ninjas and pyromaniacs in the kitchen. Devil you know.

14:00; Bob continues this cafe-cook lifestyle. A pity to see such a talent for murder and violence wallowing. I bid him his due adieu and throw my undrunk coffee into the eyes of a passing street urchin. Sigh.

15:00; Return to LPR & invite Ms. Open Palm to a day & night out on a town she hasn’t seen. Bridles defensively for equations as Ms. Reel Deal, LPR’s seamstress, shows Open what she will be wearing …

16:00; Oh, she isn’t easily turned. But a handful of sketches of the new line, snatched from a preoccupied Paradigm, quickly messengered to LPR with a request for a day suit and an evening gown … Dapper!

17:00; Squiring Open about town in her new Paradigm-designed and Deal-produced double-breasted day suit & haute hat, she is sufficiently impressed – to the Tower! Perhaps I can meet an old friend there.

18:00; Sit atop rail atop the Eiffel Tower, swaying in the breeze. This is a beautiful city. Still, time to commit. I turn to Open, salute, smile, and gently slide forward until I fall. I’ll see my friend on the other side.

18:10; Bouncing about in the Eiffel’s lasergrid safety net, invisible until kinetic contact, until an automated answering hologram of The Deadly Light Shade appears and gives me a lecture on responsible suicide.

18:20; I let it roll for a moment, then say: “Daftwager, Quatloo, Zombies, Undead, World Threat, Paradigm …” until real time holovideo of The Deadly Light Shade cuts in. She is always watching & listening.

18:30; Compliment her word recognition software. She asks why I think she won’t just let me fall. Wave a bottle of U.N.D.E.A.D. around. Glass, of course, so she can’t filch it from my fallen & broken body.

18:40; The Deadly Light Shade is the crazy-prepared, super-spy detective, internationally. She knows about Whitby. She knows about Nation. She knows my shoe-size. But she doesn’t have any UNDEAD.

18:50; I get a glare and an appointment to meet her in ten minutes. Tell Open to obtain a camera quick – her new personal hero is arriving. Strangling a tourist by his Kodak’s strap, my heart yearns for Palm.

19:00; The situation’s ‘trappishness’ – not a word! – angers TDLS. I’m in a net of her devising, totally at her mercy, giving her an elixir of life, & she is cautious. Good; she is a ‘super’ worthy of the term, finally!

19:10; The Deadly Night Shade – the famed family spyname ; great great grandmama’s against Prussia, great grandmama’s during WWI, grandmama’s during WWII, mama took The Deadly Bright Shade …

19:20; … Today it is the Deadly Light Shade that patrols Paris. Her maternal grandpapa probably created Quantum Apollo’s solar powers, while her paternal grandpapa mastered the ultraviolet’s darker side.

19:30; This mix of science & espionage makes her the wonderfully paranoid person she is, having scanned me for the past half of an hour, searching my person for tricks, traps and all assorted tiny trebuchets.

19:40; In topper & tails, shady super looks at me over her the rims of her black-white goggles, looks from a blanche vertical half-mask & dark skinned face, looks as if I looked odd. Pot calling kettle black?

19:50; She really was expecting something – a trap, a setup, a deal even. Ok. I throw up UNDEAD from my holding place, and ask one simple request; Can my girlfriend get a picture with her personal hero?

20:00; TDLS is wildly uncomfortable as the flash goes off, even moreso as Open throws her arms around TDLS’s shoulders. As a little revenge, I suspect, a button was pressed and I was released, to fall far.

20:30; TDLS had heard I could ‘fly’, I expect. But if I hadn’t the flight BORE in my cane … well then I suppose I would never have jumped off the Tower. I land and we return to LPR to change for the opera.

21:00; Open adores her photo somewhat, her newly completed evening gown very much and, for reasons I can’t quite understand, me. Afterall, her idol did just try to kill me, or test my tech at least. Love eh?

22:00; HAL-lelujah starts and we take our box seats. Open’s opera glasses watch the ape actors, bemoaning a life beset by leopards and terrible tribes. I instead look to the stall seats our old tickets sat us …

22:10; … Open did wonder why I asked her to switch our tickets with the ones in The Deadly Light Shade’s pocket. Or how I knew TDLS would have tickets. Or that the camera flash would distract her …

22:20; … which it didn’t, of course. TDLS is the mistress of all forms of light – a Kodak flash just isn’t in it. It was the hug that did it. Which is why it is Maxine Min that is sitting in switched-ticket stall seats …

22:30; Maxine doesn’t see me seeing her of course. Madame Toussaint L’Ouverture, known as Saint Bright in the US, belladonna of this opera, has taken the stage. And Maxine only has bright eyes for Saint.

22:40; The apes are sentient & Oklo Effect Ska & Vocal Band, the only radioactive singers since Chorus Kate, play a giant bone into being over the stage, arching towards a massive monolith, fading to stars.

22:50; The musical’s theme ‘Thus Spoke Zarathustra’ – background – plays, seeing us into ‘Blue Danube’ over a spaceship docking with the Clavius Base. Mr Floyd leads ‘BushBaby Birthday’ comic chorus …

23:00; ‘Aventures’, ‘Lux Aeterna’, ‘Frank Poole’s Birthday’ (BushBaby Birthday; sombre version) signal the second act’s darker tone. Bowman speaks with red HAL, voiced by Symphony Sister Discordia …

23:10; … while HAL’s aside, free from monotone and obstruction, is sung by Madame L’Ouverture. ‘Heuristic Sadistic’ tells of HAL’s growing paranoia over keeping a deadly secret from his human cargo …

23:20; … and this embargo causes him to lie about the failure of the radio antenna. Frank Poole leads the cast into ”Secrets Beyond the Stars”, revealing his reasons for his earlier coldness towards his parents.

23:30; It also reveals that the antenna is fine. A consult with blue SAL 9000 is voiced by Symphony Sister Concordia, and SAL’s anxious aside at admitting HAL’s error, ‘AlGoreRhythmic Anxiety’, is sung …

23:40; … by L’Ouverture again, lit in blue where she was lit in red previously. She is lit in red again to transcribe Bowman & Poole’s whispering in ‘Paranoid: A Chant’, before sending Poole to his icy doom …

23:50; … as ‘Secrets Beyond The Stars’ (reprise) plays. Three Symphony Sisters – Dharma, Karma & Harmony – scream asides for the dying minds of the other sleeping astronauts in ‘We Deathbeds Three’.

00:00; Appropriate to midnight, Dave enters HAL’s higher function section, receiving mild remonstrance from Discordia’s stage voice, and rising terror from L’Ouverture’s aside, flashing red off, on, off, as …

00:10; … Bowman tears out HAL’s mind. Particularly compelling is L’Ouverture’s portrayal of growing irrationality as Discordia’s voice slows down – then both synchronising eerily in the rendition of ‘Daisy’ …

00:20; … and, in the most controversial change from the parent material, all the opera lights go out & Oklo Effect pauses. A garbled version of the Jupiter mission brief plays into the silence, the loneliness as …

00:30; … all is relit in the third act. HAl reawakens in 2010, as Dr Chandra (seen in SAL’s aria) tells HAL that he reached Jupiter, and that the rescue mission needs him to sacrifice himself so they can escape.

00:40; Wonderous, HAL finds that he no longer has to keep his insane secret (‘Heuristic Heaven’) & saves the ‘rescue’ crew. When Dr Chandra laments that the could not save him, HAL parts with ‘You did’.

00:50; Just as Jupiter explodes above the stage into a blazing sun, HAL is visited by the Monolith, voiced by Symphony Sister Helpmony, symbolising that man, monolith & machine are united in their voice.

01:00; L’Ouverture’s red light streams into every colour of the rainbow, then looks over the world HAL’s sacrifice brought into being on Europa. Smile. View from Earth, and we see two suns in the sky. Fin.

01:30; Good show. Particularly enjoyed how Maxine hung on L’Ouverture’s every word. Interesting, given that the ushers are discreetly showing her backstage rather than booting her out with the rest of us.

02:00; Knew I could fly eh? True, cane-based flight has become my hallmark, but how about my new invisibility imprint? A Field Test: ‘Hiding’ on the ledge outside L’Ouverture’s otherwise-unreachacle room.

02:05; Maxine Min & Toussaint L’Ouverture opposite each other, businesslike. Clever. Blank BORE absorbs the projected illusion – like in the library – and see two lovers locked in love’s interrace embrace.

02:10; But at where would Maxine Min, aka Paradigm, have met international singing sensational Madame Toussaint L’Ouverture of the opera, aka Saint Bright of the American charts? She is just an actress?

02:15; No. Spy. The Shades were singers, actors, dancers and socialites in public and vocal mimics, con artists, athletes and social spyders in private. 3 generations picking the brains of German High Elite …

02:20; … The female Shades usually romanced the male head of the resistance, used them as a figurehead & carried out their anti-German attacks under a more masculine moniker of the hero codenamed Vie.

02:25; Toussaint L’Ouverture is The Deadly Night Shade. She uses her hologram technology to project a false face from under a vertical half-mask, double bagging her identity elegantly. This I already knew.

02:30; Wanted to know if Paradigm & The Deadly Night Shade were in love, or their alter egos. Their superhero identities use illusions chemical & holographic more classically beautiful than their real faces.

02:35; The sketches I stole were recent – had a reminder about the opera, but that Maxine hadn’t received the tickets from an unnamed figure. On a gamble, instructed Open to switch tickets under a hug …

02:40; … the proximity of a woman dressed so like one of Paradigm’s new designs, holding Saint so close in public … well, I too have fallen for that distraction. Besides, TDLS really is Open’s new, true hero.

02:45; Going to the Tower I told Open about generations the Shade demimondains whose actress alteregos romanced men of significance in wartime Europe to equally significant tactical advantage. Her hero!

02:50; Ticket switch confirmed Paradigm was the tickets’ original intended by looking in our old seats, and looking at Maxine made the sentiment clear. She didn’t even notice Open was wearing her design …

02:55: … who doesn’t notice Open? Speaking of beauty, I did say these secret identities weren’t classically beautiful, but … they are very open, like Open, very beautiful. I take a picture behind my invisbility.

03:00; Slip Maxine’s design’s under windowframe to return, then descend. They don’t wear masks as they make love. Psychologically both healthy and interesting. Also an effective blackmail tool, just in case.

04:00; At LPR I show Open the photograph. Don’t tell her about the superheroine identities, but she may very well figure it out herself. For now her only reaction is to drag me to bed & demand some singing.

The Mighty Paradigm & The Deadly Light Shade

Five Fairy Tales: Old Endings

July 18, 2009

1. The Pied Piper of Hamelin;

The children are sold to the Piper to get rid of the rat problem.


2. Goldilocks:

Goldilocks kept as a pet by a family of bears, fattened up and raised alongside the youngest, then slaughtered.


3. Red Riding Hood

Red is the secret sign of children sent to Grandma Werewolf.


4. Hansel and Gretal

Same as above, except for Grandma Witch.


5. Princess & the Pea

A test of Virginia Intacta by the underly unendowed.


I will stick to the bowlderised versions, thank you.

Daftwager Twitter Fiction: Day 39

July 11, 2009

Day 39:


07:00; Sometimes sunrises depress me. Then I remember that the sun is a giant nuclear furnace, currently taking potshots through the ozone layer and will, one day, destroy the Earth more finally than any evil.

08:00; Cheery Cherry-Blossom Bosom, LPR’s nutrition scientist & expert in food-based foreplay, lays out my breakfast and an array of fresh canisters filled with my BORE protein fluid mix. Day starts well.

09:00; I sit on the steps of the Paris’ premiere public bibliotechque. I’m here to learn, but don’t intend to open one book. People are exponentially more fascinating – they find it harder to lie to my face, I find.

09:15; Scan the librarians as they walk in. 7, average all. Well, average for any building with Proust, de Beauvoir & Claudette sitting on the shelves – literally in this literary case. The dead lie, and stand up too.

09:30; I busy myself with the Great Collation Station and the Omnibiographies, all peculiar to Paris alone and high among its many wonders. But they are tourist traps for the moment. I want the real books.

09:45; Found my book. She is 6ft, chestnut-brunette in a taut bun, still-blue eyes behind empty glasses, matching moss-green tie, waistcoat, skirt, fertile-black shoes, shirt & socks. The Goddess Truth herself.

10:00; Why her? 3 things; (1) If she is ‘one of them’ she must be on similar business to myself, (2) she probably is incapable of lying right now and (3) she wasn’t 1 of the 7 librarians to come in with me earlier.

10:05; Cryptic because, if wrong (a) this insane theory of mine will suffer a silent abortion (b) I’ll be defenestrated by a mere meganekko and (c) this theory would look terrible as a Morgue Ann’s C of D for me.

10:10; I ask my ‘truth’ if she could direct me to the not-so-public library. Interesting – she seems surprised I noticed her. Given how she looks & the amount of teenage boys in this place that would be … odd.

10:15; She looks & moves as if composed of moments, a stop motion photography effect, each moment being the moment before she takes off her glasses, lets down her hair, undoes buttons – then it isn’t.

10:20; Yes, that is very unsettling. Vaguely expecting ‘Hot For Teacher’ to play and her to tear her shirt in a spray of buttons and begin to pole dance. Am tres aware of this awareness – why isn’t anyone else?

10:25; Look, whatever Dorothy Parker says (a) men perusing the Parisian Library at 9am DO make passes at girls who wear glasses (b) she could probably draw in ALL the other men, glasses fetish or not.

10:30; She has been giving me the runaround, but never lying – tres promising. If I didn’t know better I’d say ”ensorceled library ghost”. As I do know better, particularly concerning grammar, I won’t say that.

10:35; Instead, ask for unpublic library again – in slang Egyptian, Babylonian, Chinese First Century Mountain Dialect. Admittedly I only know these exact phrases in those languages – time travel priorities …

10:40; And yet she picks it up as if unaware I had varied – if surprised, only that I appear to be repeating the same phrase over and over again. Ending it, I whip out my British BookPimp Library Card and …

10:45: Brush it ever so accidentically against one of her outstretched hands. Static shock for her, moment of fire in her eyes and lightest of archaic tattoos light up momentarily on the exposed areas of her skin-

10:50; – and then she centres again, normal & neutral and gives exceedingly exact directions to the BookPimp’s Parisian outlet. Doubt she remembers our little ‘moment’ there. I thank her kindly and depart.

10:55; I have never seen one of those before. I know the lore of course, but recent innovation of old methods is quite astounding. All the more reason for my errand – reading up on the Mathster’s methods.

11:00; I wonder why I could see her though – it is usually a standard operating procedure that you can’t. Then one of the fresh BORE canisters in my bag *bings!* for FULL, meaning a Mental Imprint Taken.

12:00; I take my lunch at one of the most expensively located cafes in Paris. The bread could probably cut my knife rather than the other way round, the coffee is poison. Yet they keep the chef. Staff scared.

12:30; I really must go to the BookPimp’s place now – it won’t close after six, but it will be closed to me. Paying, I ask the waitress if the current cook wears a t-shirt on his head. At her nod, I smile & leave.

13:00; The current BookPimp place in Paris is under a restaraunt. Its not illegal – it just pays not to advertise. A great deal of money paid, to officials political, civil and legal, so its location not be advertised.

13:10; Slightly tempting to test out my new mental imprint to get past security but (a) not only do they almost certainly know that trick (b) that girl probably works here at night (c) she, probably, got it here.

13:20; I get in the door, but the French BookPimp has to sign off on a provisional French BookPimp Library Card. Looks like the lovechild Huggie Bear and the Riddler. Probably isn’t quite entirely a human.

13:30; Asks after his London counterpart, then shows me around. Pewter’s True Peerage – the one with the real family lines. Tumpter’s Apocalypses Past – all the ways it didn’t really end, in this universe …

13:40; … Cataflaque’s Necrobiographies – what the dead did after life in the afterlife. Newton’s Principia Alchemica – the king had pulped & banned at the 11th hour. AntiChrist’s The Newest Testament

13:50; … Nobel House’s latest scientific papers, translated from the Chinese. Modern musing of the squid philosopher known as Soul Survivor, dictated by tentacle sign, beakspeak & body phosphorescence.

14:00; And that is just a half an hour in the Browseables Section. I am given a catalogue of the Reserved Section, a wink from the BookPimp, and a cup of tea served by one of the daytime staff. Cold hands.

15:00; The Browseables are about mad science, are about damned magic. The Restricted Section’s books are as essential to demonology as the soul, as required for the alien autopsy as much as the scalpel.

16:00; Fauntleroy’s Dapper Capper; assemble to you a suit of clothes that run your beauty to the bone, even when you are as bones. Deposit €10,000, Rental €2,000. Your hat shall be a crown – Priceless.

16:30; Compendium Nervosa; Describes all medical mental maladies known to man, including symptoms, cures & means of infection. By: a mad man before died; last page describes his disease. Don’t read.

17:00; Dictatorial Dictations; Glossary of terms & phrases that gather great power to their user – facist, communist, anarchist. Samples include; For The Good Of The People, Stay The Course, Ask Not …

17:30; Derringer’s The Making Of Arms. Make explosives from chemicals on the back of playing cards. Build an atom-smasher out of old tin cans. Killer wasps, to breed & train. Condition; slightly charred.

18:00; Ask to see ‘Long’ John Thirty-Silver’s Prophet & Loss and Dirwood’s So I Married Bad: A Demon. Not more than see – one needs to lay up a million and a half on deposit alone to do more. But…

18:30; … As I thought. On the frontpage of SIMBAD’s signout card we have one Marshall Lore, aka Masther, and P&L’s request brings back an absent notice and a bounty warrant for Doctor I. Nation.

19:00; BookPimp’s reopens for the night crowd and I’m gone. This illuminates rumour I have heard Lore’s perfection of summoning – like that lady I met in the library, and as she took her BP night shift. Busy.

20:00; Explains Nation’s serum. Ruthlessly perfected & terrifically changed by that amazing mind of Nation’s, but still a hint of Thirty-Silver’s madness. Also, Ingot stole a book – hate him more now, possibly.

21:00; Went ashore on shore leave, stole ship’s money to get the book, perfected his already-prototypical potion, stole the book and created his zombie army – classic. I shall salute him before I shoot him.

22:00; BookPimp can’t find him with high sciences and low magics. Nation is technology-marooned right now and becoming an undead island god since time of writing throws off most magical name-chasers.

23:00; Little under 1 million to return Nation and Prophet & Loss, before BookPimp’s own BookCollectors find him and administer Late Fees. 6 months rental & he defaulted 10 days ago. Nobody goes 30.

00:00; I walk the midnight streets of the City of Lights. Returning to an active LPR, Dipper has progressed – all will be revealed. I have some time to kill before it is time to kill & it is in springtime in Paris still.

Torchwood: Children of Earth, Krod Mandoon and the Sword of Fire.

July 11, 2009


Torchood: Children of Earth:

Five days of pressure-cooker action!

A very good ‘event’ miniseries. Plenty of twists, drops and shockers.

A very primal theme, echoing for everyone.

Felt the aliens & their reasons fell down a bit at the end. Was kinda hoping they were Future Humans, looking for life extension through the kids, with no kids of their own as a prior life extension sterilised them, with all the prior extensions coming in trade from their ancestors to the 456, who they themselves became. Something like that. There was a lot of mystery, little pay off.

Similarly, the means of killing them, while filled with the necessary dramatic horror, seemed to only work because it was horrible. Folding the phase-whatsit back onto the signal always seems like a crude way of doing things.

Cool to see the dad from the Fires of Pompeii back as Frobisher; he was a particularly wrenching character, and events simply take a baseball bat to his life. Apparently the soothsayer from the episode will be back as the New Doctor’s latest companion.

Jack’s daughter was an excellent addition – that said, the actress playing her would-not-stop-smiling. Seriously.

Didn’t see Rajit coming – thought he was going to be the new Owen. Lois could be the new Toshiko, Martha the new Owen – apparently, despite the fact that all the characters, apart from Gwen, are dead, or off-planet (Jack), apparently Davies has a fourth series planned. Who could replace Ianto – he was the Donna Noble of Torchwood.

Krod Mandoon and the Sword of Fire:

An interesting BBC series, as a parody of Fantasy.

Felt there to be almost entirely American good guy side. Also, the ‘troop of idiots’ is a little old. Conan the Barbarian wasn’t an idiot – not book smart, he had so much cunning and guile it didn’t matter.

A lot of toilet humour.

But, some interesting ideas, satires and funny lines.

Stealing the show is Matt Lucas as the Bad Guy – he deserves it too, and many of his best lines seem improvised. A hilariously evil character, he is George Bush, Saddam Hussein and Sauron all in one. He juggles his parodies perfectly, from insane tyrant to odd child from moment to moment.

Effects okay.

Overall, an alright watch, throughly fun and feckless.