Got to keep your pecker up

I think I’m the only person I know who gets a buzz from their spam mail. I don’t mean the crude attempts with “viagra” and “nude” in the title. I mean the really crafted stuff. Oh, I never open it of course but, occasionally, something will land in my bebomail that is a fine example of this.

Eg:

“Hey punkin’!

This is my first time on the site, so bear with me. I recently came out of a serious and B-O-R-I-N-G relationship! I’m past that and looking for someone cool to date. I’m a sexy young woman. I’m of average body type – weight and height normal – and have a couple of tattoos, ask me where… I love going out and above all like traveling. I like visiting museums and historical monuments. I’m adventurous and opened to new experiences. I also like watching tv, drinking coffee and cuddling. Btw, I’m not using my account to contact you… so please don’t reply directly to this message. My friend is making me try out this site.

If you’re interested, send your replies to my email address instead: [censored} at [censored} .com.

Thanks in advance! Hope to meet you soon, especially since we live in the same area (I think…) I’m visiting a friend in the area, so I’m not too familiar with the place.”

Fairly standard, but there are some nice details; Average body type, history geek and area inference are nice little touches.

The illusion, or what little remains, dissolves with the next ‘letter’, on the same day:

Hi, what’s up sexy?

I’m looking for a nice, fun and honest guy who enjoys and respects outgoing women. I’m coming out of a long relationship, so I’m looking for something very casual but serious at the same time. Does that make any sense to you? I’m also looking for someone local. You live in the area, right? I’m visiting and I’m not familiar with the place.

Here’s some more info about me: I’m real cute, somewhat stubborn and smart. I do some sports, I like biking and tennis. I’m also into stuff like American Idol and Heroes.

I hope you’re interested in giving us a try, gimme a shout, but don’t respond directly to this message… I’m borrowing this account from my cousin. Please use my private e-mail instead,  [censored} at [censored} .com.

Thanks! xxx”

Again, the details are nice touches, if the shows mentioned are highly generic. Under different circumstances ( those not involving curiously explanatory lines like “I’m borrowing this account from my cousin” – read, hacking), it could even ostensibly pass a first phrase Turing Test equivalent of E-mail.

But things are beginning to fall apart by mail no. 3, Later That Day:

“Quit looking for a date, I’m the one you’re looking for sweetie! I was looking for single – available guys on this site. Read your personal page and had to write. I find you interesting and would like to chat with you. Especially since you’re local… I think. I’m just visiting, so I don’t know the area that well. I’m very good-looking, smart and outgoing. I like reading blogs and making fun of online retards. I love to laugh, drink, listen to music and watch stuff on youtube. Of course shopping is also a passion. I’d like to hook up with a cute and witty guy – only friends to start with but will not limit it. I’ll play it by ear. Write back if you wanna have some wonderful times! Just don’t reply directly to this message. I’m logged in on my best-friend’s account – too lazy to have my own ad… So please E-mail me directly at this address [censored} at [censored}com.

Bye!

P.S. Ask me about my tattoo.”

The line about the profile being interesting is all very well, but it could be so much more with a very general comment about quizzes or blogs. Sure, you’d lose those who didn’t have them, but this is a high-loss industry anyway. Besides, the ‘online retards’ comment was far too jarring. The tattoo comment merely exposing the multiplicity deception ( though I’ve censored the names and e-mail addresses given, all three were ‘different’ names and addresses.

I guess the Luddites were right; technology does lead to mass-produced lower quality goods, even in scam artistry.

But I still get a buzz out of the whole thing because I know, in my heart, that when the whole of humanity is wiped out by a virus of germalogical rather technological origin, nothing will survive in reality but cockroaches and in cyberreality nothing but spyware. The firewall programs will stagnate while the spyware will constantly evolve, filling inbox and inbox, crashing server after server until all the barriers are broken down. Then ‘ViaGra 73647’ will sit down with ‘Kir5t3n Dun5t pron’ and try to con each other out of money, sending now meaningless figures to cascade from Paypal Accounts and Google Checking.

If future automation of the physical servers and their power sources was sufficiently high, the chaos might rage within the now internally unautomated for centuries. But order would arise. And perhaps when the cockroach folk had evolved sufficiently to comprehend the tools of their forebears, they might Logon aand meet the only intellectual equals they will then have on the planet. Bug would commune with Bug, and the results would be in a race beyond time and space.

At least their penises would be, after all that viagra.

……………..

 

Just don’t ask them about their Tattoo.

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